What's For Dinner?

"Take a deep breath in.... and let it out.

Take another deep breath in..... and let it out.   

There is nothing else to do here, no more work to be done, nowhere to go.   

Take in all the benefits from the efforts of your practice today and practice the art of being completely still." 

It is the end of my yoga class and I have to use, literally, all my energy to suppress a giggle. 

Practicing the art of being still, having nowhere to go and no work to be done is the core of my current existence.   

In fact, let me give you a snapshot -

Wake up (somewhere between 7:00 and 8:30am)

Make Bulletproof Coffee (yes, it's a fad I have not given up) 

(ok, big lie.   Many days it's even brought to me and I am still in bed at 8am).

Read "Journey of the Heart" daily meditation.

Finish coffee. 

And then the conservation goes like this...

Me: "What should we do for dinner today?"

Mal: "It isn't even breakfast Sarah.   All you ever think about is your next meal."

He is not wrong.

That is my first most difficult decision I face daily.

What's for dinner?

The second most difficult decision I face is what time should I go to yoga - 5:30 or 7:00pm- because it all depends on what we are having for dinner.  

(Hence the obvious importance of this question.)

That's all I got.

Coffee.   

What's for dinner?   

Yoga.

Occasionally, this is blended in with bouts of severe panic about my mortgage payment, tears that I cannot possibly believe I'm still unemployed or a complete rant that I don't want to just "get a job to get a job", that I want THE job and I would rather be unemployed than work in an environment where I sell my soul to the devil.

But most of the time, it's coffee, dinner and yoga.

***

Yesterday, I saw this post on Facebook.

"Destroy the idea that you have to be constantly working or grinding in order to be successful.  Embrace the concept that rest, recovery and reflection are essential parts of the progress towards a successful life".

I smiled and clicked "like" on the picture but I thought about it all day.

I never took a vacation.   

I might have "on paper" been given two, three or four weeks vacation a year.   

I never took it.   

I was too "dedicated", "committed" or "busy" to take my vacation.   

Oh wait - no, about once a year I might take a vacation and go to an all inclusive in the South.   The entire vacation I was on my email, making sure "things were okay" and I was "caught up for when I got back".  

Perhaps this is some sort of joke that I've now been given all my vacation time to take, from every job I've had since I was 15, all in one long isolated period of time.

That is the funny thing about unemployment.  You get an awful lot of time to think about how you got here and a lot of space to create a vision of what you want your life to look like.

***

About twenty years ago, I got a book for Christmas called "The Healthy Type A".

What a comedy show that I considered this a compliment at the time, not realizing what a message it was.

In the first chapter, there was a cartoon that said "Gone for lunch.  Back in 3 minutes."

I thought it was hilarious.   

3 minutes.

I wonder how many times I picked up the phone in my career and said "I just need about 30 seconds to inhale my lunch and I will be right there."

Complete lunatic.

Two speeds.  

150 and zero.

150 is not a sustainable plan and zero is an inevitable finish.

I've finally realized how much more effective I am with balance in my life and that "so busy" doesn't win any prizes.

***

So, let's be clear.

I'm rested, I'm rejuvenated, I've reflected on every error and every success I've had in all 43 years of my life.  I'm very familiar with where I took a wrong turn and my internal compass is humming along quite nicely - so I'm all caught up in the reflection department.  

In fact, I've learned so much I might as well just be reincarnated and start over at this point.  

Hear me?

I GOT IT.

I'm so relaxed that sometimes it takes me 3 or 4 days to respond to a text message and if I have 3 of them, I just might not reply at all.   

There's no rush.   

There's always tomorrow.

I owe at least 5 or 6 people replies at this very moment, but that's ok. 

It's not you.   

It's me.   

I will reply at some point.

I promise.

***

There is another thing I was reminded of recently and that is the concept of "impermanence".

As I spoke to a lovely friend of mine last week, she reminded me of the most important statement.

"Nothing in life is permanent."

Absolutely nothing.

It is so easy to lose sight of such a simple concept.

I'm not remotely concerned about whether or not I'm going to work again.  Of course I will - technically I am working right now.  Doing what I love to do best.   Writing and telling a story that hopefully inspires just one person in the world - to see something differently or smile at my stories.   I'm just missing that small "someone is paying me" part but I am certain I will see another pay cheque.  

The only delay is that I really want to find the right fit and I know it's out there.

Unemployment isn't permanent.

My current situation isn't permanent.

Neither are we, for that matter, and sometimes we are painfully reminded of that.

The point is - everyday isn't going to be coffee, what's for dinner and yoga and I will work again.

Until then, I will continue to embrace this fabulous concept that rest, recovery and reflection are all necessary components of leading a happy life.

***

I think the universe got a little confused at my request when I "wanted more time with Mal" (wasn't envisioning us both unemployed at the same time) or "desperately needed a vacation" (didn't mean permanently), so I want to leave you with this letter I wrote (below) to hopefully get this straightened out.

Dear Universe, 

Apparently I wasn't so clear in my previous requests so let me revisit this so we can tweak our current arrangement.

Big fan of the time off.   

It's been a blast but my brain would like to once again contribute to society and my bank account is going to unfriend me.

If you could please bring me abundance through a wonderful new job, that makes the best use of my gifts, skills and talents, in a fabulous company where I enjoy all the people in it and look forward to going to work everyday - oh, and ensure that I stay happy and balanced in all aspects of my life - that would be terrific.  

(This MUST exist)

...And the only use of the phrase "What's for dinner" will be the text I send Mal at 3 in the afternoon and not the first sentence I speak every morning daily.

If there is any more confusion, we should have a talk.  Please call me to discuss further.

Many thanks and love to all the other people on this happy planet,

Sarah Lee

The Corner Piece

I break open the box and start to sift through all the pieces looking for the corner ones.

The corner piece is the one that starts to build the foundation, the outside edges, the outline of the puzzle.  

I mean, you would never try and do a puzzle from the inside out, would you? 

(Well, I suppose you could - but it would be much more difficult.)

You look at the picture on the box, and then one by one, begin to piece together the frame and then  fill it in.

***

It's been 33 days.

33 days.

It's actually hard to believe that it's been over a month, but it's true.

33 days.

Weekdays.   

Weekends.   

Every single day for 33 days.

***

It depends how you are connected to me as to what you've seen.

Maybe you instagram-know-me and have seen 2 posts a day since November 22nd.  Not too much emotion there but a carefully calculated set of posts designed to give an overview of competencies, work ethic and genuine interest in Cancun.  

Maybe you LinkedIN-know-me and have just seen a glimpse that I'm on a campaign for a brand experience position in the South.   Maybe you have worked with me in the past and have clicked the button once or twice to help me out.

Or maybe you follow me on Facebook and have seen my die hard commitment to this daily since the video first went live.

For 33 days, I've been building the foundation.

I've been working on that corner piece.   

The frame.   

Have I built a strong enough foundation that they will want to see more?

***

You see one picture posted.

I see hours every day obsessing over the 'picture on the outside of the box'.

What do I want to show?

What do I want to hold back?

How many photos should reflect work ethic and character?

How many pictures should show interest in the areas they are targeting?

Should I be using knowledge or research on the lesser known areas of Cancun?

What is the perfect blend of what to divulge and what to post that creates separation from what the other candidates are doing?

What am I missing?

What, most importantly, reflects me?

***

And just like that, it's over.

I woke up this morning and realized that this is going to be my last post for this campaign.

I've watched all their social media accounts.   

I've responded to their questions, tuned in to their live broadcasts, complimented them where I felt they had done well.

I have absolutely no regrets on how I've handled this past month and this all comes down to Cancun.com and what fits for them.

***

This is not a 6 month vacation in Mexico to me.   

This is an opportunity to shift into brand experience.   

This is an opportunity to use my gift of writing and telling stories and make it into a full time job.   

This is a gateway to a new career.

***

To every single person that has jumped on my campaign wagon since November - 

Thank you.

Thank you for caring so much about me, and how incredible this opportunity would be, that you would share my posts, solicit your friends to vote, and write such beautiful things on my timeline about why I would be a great fit for this job.

Thank you for making it a part of your routine every day to vote when you stand in line for your morning coffee or tea.

Thank you for thinking of me while you are shopping and standing in line waiting to pay.

Thank you for connecting to wifi wherever you can and keeping me in your thoughts.

Thank you for challenging me to continually raise the bar by sending little notes and suggestions of what I can do differently.

Just  - thank you.

***

So one last time this morning I ask you to click on the link below and vote for me to become the Cancun Experience Officer for Cancun.com.  

https://ceo.cancun.com/profile/sarah-lee

And one more time I say thank you.

***

Over 5,000 applicants get narrowed down to 100 in just a few days.

Then 100 becomes 50.

And from 50, there are 5 lucky candidates (or teams) that go for a week long interview in Cancun.

The first cut is the deepest.

Fingers crossed.

Toes crossed.

"May the odds be ever in your favor" - 

Effie Trinket

The Trump Card

You didn't think I meant "him", did you?

"Making Cancun Great Again"

That Trump?

No, NO - that isn't the Trump I'm referring to at all.

The title refers to the deck, not the Donald - although there is no question that, politically, I could cause an uproar if I finished my campaign off with Trump quotes.

***

Let's be clear that I'm not Donald Trump.

I don't have power, money or um - a JOB at the moment.

Zero.

None of the above.

I'm not even sure I have a suit in my closet anymore.

I'm definitely no Trump.

All Trump references in this post therefore do not refer to the Trump card in the sense that he "won" the election, but rather the Trump "card" of winning a Euchre game.

Are we clear?
Good.

Just making sure.

***

Wow, so this past few weeks been a ride, hasn't it?

I don't even know what to call this amazing following at the moment but it's absolutely brilliant.

Lady Gaga calls her fans her "Little Monsters" but somehow I can't see calling anyone I know my "Little Monsters".   Someone is bound to tell me I've lost my marbles if I tried that.

My little tarts?  
You know - like Sara Lee, the cake lady.

"How are you all, my little tarts?"

No, you don't like that?

(Even I am laughing out loud right now)

Okay, maybe a name is a little unnecessary.

Moving on.

***

I have a confession to make.

I had to sit in my time-out chair this afternoon.

I did.

I had to sit, with my phone in another room, completely in silence, "unplugged" for well over a couple of hours  - and just think about this campaign and what was nagging at me that I felt I needed to pause.

Everyone is voting.

Lots of people are voting.

I mean, how amazing is that???!

I'm incredibly fortunate to have support from so many avenues in my life.

Friends, family, teachers, colleagues, "friends and family" of friends that I haven't even met.

It is totally wild.

I have had Facebook messages, personal messages, texts, calls and emails - all with encouraging words or suggestions on upp'ing my game, ideas for videos, recommendations for My Story, adding things to You Tube - the list goes on and on and I'm grateful for every one of them. (So please don't stop!)

The campaign bus is jammed with supporters and rolling along quite nicely.

What I've stopped doing though, in the heat of this campaign, is listening to my own voice, guidance and intuition, of what step to take next.

Today I woke up feeling a little strained.  I felt like I was forcing what wasn't natural to me and as cliche as the word "authentic" is, I felt my "authenticity" starting to slip.  I was so overactive on Facebook, it felt exhausting and out of character, (even for me), and my last LinkedIN post was weak, at best.  I wanted to commit to my timeframe so I put out something that wasn't necessarily my most thought through.

I was feeling self-induced pressure to act instantly on every suggestion that's come my way and I was overwhelmed and losing my own creativity and genuine nature in the process.

So this afternoon I took a time-out.

I sat quietly and thought through all the feedback I've received over the past week.

I mentally thanked each person for caring enough to come forward and share their thoughts.

Then I wrote down every suggestion in a notebook that I keep by my desk - that I will to refer to, if and when I need it.

I have been going every day at this, more hours than you could imagine, and I just needed to check in and make sure I was on track.

Some ideas that have been sent to me might lead me to brainstorm a new course of action that without those particular recommendations, I never would've come up with on my own.  

Maybe I stash a card or two for later in the game, when I need to shift gears and change tactics, and the timing feels right.

Every idea is valued and I will tuck them away and act or use them when I'm ready.

***

What came to me today with staggering clarity is that I'm not "competing to win".

Yes, you heard me correctly.

This opportunity isn't about competing to me.

It's not about putting on my "do whatever it takes to win" attitude (although we all know I have that).

This isn't about "winning" a contest.

This is about "aligning" myself to my dream job - "where I will use my gifts and talents to the best of my ability and thoroughly enjoy going to work everyday" and that means operating in a way that feels true to me.

I think this attitude will help me if I'm fortunate enough to make it through.   This changes the outcome from being a cut-throat game of Survivor, outsmarting and outwitting the other contestants, to being compassionate and understanding that Cancun.com (and all candidates) are looking for the right combination to succeed.  

I'm not looking to "win".  
I feel I have a lot to offer and I'm hopeful I align.

I want to remain completely grounded that this may or may not happen.

I am just going to be completely myself and have no regrets on taking this chance or how I handle myself along the way.

***

There is a long way to go if I make it to the Top 100.

There is another video, another round of voting, a cut to the Top 50, more voting - and then the Lucky 5 go to Cancun for a week long interview event.  There is endurance to this election and I will adopt new strategies along the way and pull from some of the great ideas that I've received.

Over the past couple of weeks, I've chosen not to watch any of the other candidate videos.   I haven't looked at their social media profiles or "creeped" any of their activity to see what they are doing.  I want to focus all my energy positively on my own campaign and not risk copying how others are soliciting votes or presenting themselves.

At the end of the day, if this is a match and I'm selected, I won't have the influence of the other candidates in how I work daily, so I want this to be a fair representation of what I have to offer.  I have to trust that if what I'm posting and how I'm positioning my own efforts is what they are looking for, then Cancun.com will find me in the sea of applicants.

I would like to think that enough of my "voice" shows through my blog posts and social media, as is, that they can determine if they want to dig a little bit deeper in the next round.

***

Writing, photography and social media are important competencies to the foundation of this role.

Those are, in essence, the Queen, King and Ace in my hand.

But the Jack of Spades?

The Trump Card?

I once had someone I worked for tell me my Trump card was my personality.

My "real, in person" personality.

That, which shines brighter than the bits the peek through social media and my writing, coupled with my buzzing energy that unintentionally fills a room.

I'm going to hold onto the Jack of Spades for a little bit longer.

I'm hoping to play the Trump card when it counts.

Keep voting every day and if I'm real lucky, I'm hoping to play my hand in Cancun.

https://ceo.cancun.com/profile/sarah-lee

The Girl on the Right

Once upon a time, there was a little girl, with a big imagination and big dreams.

She used to write stories, filled with pictures, and lots of words.

She once made a book and went door to door to try and sell it.
Her lovely neighbor, the one that used to make the most amazing Eagle bars, bought it from her.
She was probably 10 years old.

The same little girl tried out for the lead role in the school Christmas play in Grade 8.

It was the role of Scrooge and it was a male part - but she didn't care.
She wanted to say "Bah-humbug" 100 times and she wasn't at all interested in the 'girl scripts.'
If the whole play needed to be re-written as a female part, then so be it.

And so it was.

Scrooge, the She, not the He, was created.

That little girl fought her giggles, playing a miserable old woman, as the baby powder shook through her hair, creating a cloud of white dust around her, as she ad-libbed her way around the stage as "Scrooge".

She wasn't afraid to be different.

She wasn't afraid to take a risk.

But one day, when she was all grown up, she got stuck.

She got stuck with some failures, some setbacks and some unforeseen turn of events.
She got stale, and each new knock put her gifts and talents a little deeper into hiding.
She stopped trying new things for fear of failing and she became rooted in her routine.

A drastic shift was needed.

It was time to see Jonathan.

***

Jonathan was the first leader I worked for in the Hospitality industry.
He was witty, funny and insanely competitive -  but the most important thing about working for Jonathan was that he had an ability to draw creativity from his team, in a way that surpassed anyone else.

I wanted to be the best the hotel industry had ever seen and I wanted to make him proud.

As part of our annual review, we had to prepare a self evaluation to justify our rating.

I brought in a scrapbook with "The Top 10 Reasons Why I Should Be Rated A "5"".
I had pictures and quotes from guests that year and who knows what else I'd found up my sleeve.

Jonathan pushed me to grow.

He knew that I would pour my relentless energy into anything I set my intentions on and I moved from department to department - managing the Guest Services team,  Food and Beverage,  Housekeeping and back to Guest Services again.

He believed in my effort and my drive.

In 2001, I was nominated for the "Best of the Best" Guest Services Manager of the Year award out of 3,000 candidates in North America and Mexico.

We put together a campaign, and found a brilliant writer to create the submission, and I was the lucky recipient of what was considered a lifetime achievement award.

When I got back from the conference where the award presentations took place, we sat down for coffee and he proved, once again, his incredible ability as a leader.

He told me that I needed to go.
He told me that I'd outgrown my position at this hotel and it was time to move on.

If I look back honestly to that time in my life, I was scared.   I am not sure I was ready and I didn't believe deeply enough in myself or my capabilities.   I didn't have Jonathan rooting for me as my biggest cheerleader and I experienced some big failures over the next decade of my career. I needed to learn the importance of believing and selling my own capabilities, instead of waiting for someone else to do it for me.

Professionally though, Jonathan's leadership remains one of the strongest building blocks to my career, and he always had a way of creating a new opportunity to keep me sharp, when I needed it most.

***

It's been 20 years.
Has it been 20 years?

It has.

20 years since I worked at the Holiday Inn Kitchener.

In the one hour I spent with him in 20 years, he still managed to leave me with an awareness of a new avenue I could pursue professionally, that I hadn't thought of before.

And this is how the conversation, (well, in my memory,) went.

Jonathan: "Sooooo, what do you think you want to do now?"

Me: "I want to do something related to travel and fitness.  Like go from hotel to hotel or club to club and advise, consult, experience classes, talk to the employees - you know, make it better and help define it.   Isn't there a job like that??"

Jonathan : "You know what you'd be great at.   You should be in Brand Experience.   You have ALL THIS ENERGY (if you know him, you'd know he was looking up at the ceiling and waving his hands around) and it needs to be channeled towards something.  We have someone in a role like that.   Director, Brand Experience. "

He may or may not have joked, in his fabulous British accent,  about getting someone to "knock off" the Brand Experience person so I could get a job.

Or maybe I was supposed to knock off the Brand Experience person?

Or maybe that part never happened.

Yes, that would be bad to publicly state that.

(Disregard all previous comments regarding knocking anybody off.)

I drove home thinking I don't have any experience in Brand Experience Marketing, and short of Jonathan randomly calling me to give me a chance, I wasn't quite so sure how on earth that was going to happen.

***

I kept searching for jobs.
I journaled - and every day, I repeated the same thing to myself like a broken record.

"What's meant for you will not miss you, and all will unfold in the right time and space, easily and effortlessly, harm to none".

Every day.
Keep believing.

***

I was watching Monday Night Football when the text from Yuki came in.

"I think you'd be great at this!".

I clicked on the photo.

"Beachy Keen Gig in Cancun".

"The city of Cancun is advertising for a CEO - Cancun Experience Officer- who will stay in luxury hotels on the beach and report on the experiences at the Cancun.com website.   We are looking for Brand Ambassadors who will write articles that "both inspire and inform millions of travelers" across multiple social platforms. NO EXPERIENCE REQUIRED."

You know the rest.

It's been one week today since I posted my submission.

The contest began 20 days ago and is open to new submissions until December 17th.

I started a bit behind the 8 ball, 13 days into the contest, kind of like starting a marathon when most of the runners are at mile 6.

I'm hovering around #84 /3,300 candidates but slowly and steadily climbing the charts.

I never would've taken this on without that discussion with Jonathan.
He helped remind me we are more than our resume and he opened my eyes to a new possibility.

I didn't obsessively search for this posting.
My sweet, wonderful, long lost friend from Grade school sent it to me.

It found me.

***

There are 20 days to go.

20 days to hover in the top 100 and hope to get noticed by Cancun.com
20 days of wondering if I'm using too much social media or not enough.
20 days to try and keep any self doubt in check.

20 days of discussions like this in my head -

LinkedIN is a business, networking site that shares news.   It's probably appropriate to post an update weekly because this technically is a job application - but not appropriate to post daily.  If anyone wants to, they can friend you on Facebook or follow you on Instagram if they would like more regular reminders to vote.....Yes, once a week works for LinkedIN....  Daily for Facebook and Instagram...  I think that strategy works..... I need to learn that 'my story' thing.  Yes, definitely need to learn how to use that before the top 100 are announced.  Make a note to learn 'my story' and practice videos.

So, here's my plug for the day (....or week, if you're a LinkedIN contact).

When you wake up, vote.
When you get in the car, vote.
When you stand in line at Starbucks for a coffee, vote.
When you get to the office, vote.

Click or copy and paste this link and just keep voting.
https://ceo.cancun.com/profile/sarah-lee

Stay with me until December 24th.

Help me get to the top 100.
Help me get to the next round.

***

When she closes her eyes, she sees a blue umbrella and a table with white linen.
Her coffee cup and phone are beside her cutlery and there isn't a cloud in the sky.
She feels alive with gratitude and amazed by her surroundings.

She is the Girl on the Right, hanging upside down in the picture.
She is just a little bit different from the rest.

She is telling a new story.
She is writing another chapter.

She is the Voice.
She is the One.

Never Say Never

"The ideal applicant will have a unique eye for capturing stories, a warmth in interacting with others, a self-motivated work ethic, and a dedication to producing high-quality work."

***

I can't believe I'm doing this again.

In fact, I've actually lost sleep over this, the past two nights, tossing and turning, over whether or not I should actually go for it.

Is there really a chance I could be chosen?
Are people going to think I've lost my mind?
Do I really have the energy to put forth a solid campaign?
Do I really WANT to use this much energy to do this?
What if I spend all this effort for the next 32 days and I don't make it?
I have never made a video in my life - what if I look ridiculous?   

(oh right - there was the Whitney Houston video, singing with spoons at 3am, that seems to forever get recycled on social media, year after year ...)

After all the conversation back and forth in my mind, I've decided there is growth to this process, regardless of the outcome, and I'm going for it.

I'm campaigning to be Cancun's - Brand Experience Officer for a 6 month contract.
In their terms, their CEO.

The last time I campaigned for anything was Student Council President in Grade 13.   I took a pack of Crayola markers and scribbled "No one doesn't like Sarah Lee" and taped them to every hallway in the school.  A campaign won by a bakery slogan.   True story.

Technology has advanced slightly since those days and I desperately do not want to use the cake lady slogan this time around.

So I'm investing in the power of social media to help me.

***

Here are the facts -
There are already over 3,000 applicants for this position from over 104 countries.
Some of these already have 5,000 -12,000 votes.
You can vote every day, once per person, until December 24th.
Cancun tourism narrows down to the top 100, then 50, then 5 lucky applicants spend a week in Cancun for a final interview and 1 position is awarded on January 31st.

I am campaigning to help shift the stigma of Cancun from being a young, all-inclusive party destination to one rich with luxury that can compete with the likes of Tulum and Uxmal.  I want to promote and expose their white sand beaches, foodie havens, yoga and wellness spots, local adventures and boutique hotels.  I want to live it, write about it, post photos of my discoveries and help support the rebrand of Cancun as a destination for all ages.

With a lifetime achievement award for hospitality management combined with an obsession to travel in the South, I believe I have the right mix of travel and understanding the business to take on this task.

I am inviting all of you to take this ride with me and tomorrow when I post the link to vote, I'm hoping you will take the time and click on the button beside my name.

(Did I mention I really hope you will vote tomorrow?)

Even better, I hope you vote the next day.

Better still, forward my link and get your husband, wife, kids, colleagues, office, teammates, friends and every other person you know to click 'vote' and help me catch up to the 12,000 votes the leader has at the moment.

And - if you jump on my campaign wagon with me, share my post, get others to vote, vote everyday and get others to vote everyday.... well then, I might even have to start buying some dinners and drinks for my gratitude.

***

So, here goes everything I've got.
32 days.
Every ounce of energy and contact I know.
Every method of social media.
Digging deep for ideas to get people to vote.

Typical Sarah Lee all-in work ethic and commitment to task, head first towards all my favorite things in the world;

The South, my laptop, a stellar glass of Cab at a boutique hotel - and a once in a lifetime chance to write about it all and make a difference.

Game On.
Here we go.

The Butterfly Effect

The cycle of the butterfly is magic in and of itself.

"Birthed from an egg, the butterfly lives it's early life as a caterpillar.
It then retreats within the pupa or chrysalis where it undergoes a transformation, and finally when it leaves the chrysalis, it is reborn as a beautiful, winged butterfly."

The magnificence of the life of a butterfly closely mirrors the possibility of transformation we have within ourselves.

***

I am sitting in the student council office.

I don't remember what I was working on that day and it probably doesn't matter.
I don't even remember what I was wearing or how my hair was styled.

I remember the fear.

They walked in, one by one, and shut the door behind them.

I couldn't even tell you what was said but I can see it all, clear as day in my mind, as if it was 25 years ago.

The room is closing in and getting smaller as shame washes over me and I'm humiliated by their words.

It was an hour before I had to speak to the entire school.

I could feel my legs shaking, feeling their hatred flood through me, as I dug deep for courage and walked up to the podium in the gymnasium.

I was 17.

***

I already know what is inside the envelope.

I grab it quickly from the mailbox, before my parents can get to it first, and run into my room.

My stomach sinks once I open it.

One word.
Capital letters stamped across the page.

DEBARRED.

Guilt floods through me for failing out of school on my parent's dime.

I just want one more chance.

My Father will be furious I didn't get my credentials.

How could I let this happen?
I am so much smarter than this.

Foolish.   
Foolish.   
Foolish.

I am a complete disappointment.

I was 21.

***

I am lying on a stainless steel table, glaring florescent lights overhead.

I can still see the poem on the wall beside me, that I read line after line, as the tears flowed down my face.

After a while you learn the subtle difference 

Between holding a hand and chaining a soul, 

And you learn that love doesn't mean leaning 

And company doesn't mean security. 

And you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts 

And presents aren't promises, 

And you begin to accept your defeats 

With your head up and your eyes open 

With the grace of a woman, not the grief of a child, 

And you learn to build all your roads on today 

Because tomorrow's ground is too uncertain for plans 

And futures have a way of falling down in mid-flight. 

After a while you learn... 

That even sunshine burns if you get too much. 

So you plant your garden and decorate your own soul, 

Instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers. 

And you learn that you really can endure... 

That you really are strong 

And you really do have worth... 

With every goodbye, you learn ... 

The fury clawing at my insides as I'm lectured by the woman in white.

You don't have a clue what you're talking about Lady.   
How dare you generalize your accusations to me without knowing the facts.

***

I walked in the door.
I am in the corner of my first bachelor apartment in Fergus, sitting curled up in a ball on the floor, rocking back and forth.
I can feel the music play through me as the speakers shake and I stare ahead in darkness, completely numb.

"I can feel it comin' back again, like a rollin' thunder chasing' the wind.." - Live

Shame runs through my veins and swallows me whole.

No one will ever love me now.
How could I have been so stupid?

I was 22.

***

I line up all the boxes on the left hand side of the garage.

"His" and  "Hers" takes on a whole new meaning.

How did we get here?

Guilt screams in my mind.

I can't leave them

I can't

It's time Sarah.

How did I go from "I Do" to "I-take-half-the-plates"?

I walk through the house one last time, closing every door behind me in a ritual of goodbye's, lump growing in my throat.

I can't walk through the door.

I can't do it.

FAILURE

I can't.

ALONE

I can't.

Sarah, it's over.

I know I have to go.

It's time.

I was 30.

***

He was taunting me.

The words propelling at me like bullets, saying that I hadn't done anything for years, and I took all the bait.

I didn't do anything??

After all that I've done.
After all the time that I've spent.

You think that I didn't do anything??

Blood is boiling through my veins as I pick up my keys and walk out the door.

I was 38.

***

I just got here.

I JUST got here.

You have to be kidding me.

When am I going to stop?

It's all gone.

All of it.

It's gone.

***

One by one, over the years, they lodge themselves into comfort.

Fear.  
Guilt.
Shame.
Failure.

The perfect building blocks for an avalanche into self doubt.

It becomes a pattern of familiar poor decisions led by seeking external gratification for compassion and kindness I could not possibly give to myself.

I wanted my co-workers to praise my efforts, I wanted affection from whoever would accept me and I wanted my friends and family to tell me I was loved.

I was out of tune like a wounded piano, desperately trying to hide from my mistakes as I stumbled and tripped into a few more.

It all gets a little easier though, as the years go by, when you've convinced yourself you aren't worth any better and that no one will really ever love you.

The mistakes just reinforce all my beliefs on my flaws and imperfections.

***

I never really sat quietly.

I never reflected to determine what was right or wrong for me or what I really wanted in life.

I just kept going,  "without my seatbelt on"as my Aunt would say, heading for the next train wreck I collided into, without any understanding that I caused it or could've made different choices to avoid the crash.

It didn't occur to me that the change I really needed to make was within myself.

***

I step into the salt water tank and close the door.

It takes a few moments before my senses are heightened and I'm submerged in complete darkness.

I lie back and deepen my inhalations and exhalations of my breath and feel all the muscles in my body start to relax.

Images start to flash through my mind as I lose track of where the water ends and my body begins.

For a few minutes, the same image repeats.

I step out of my skin and walk forward, leaving behind an image on the ground equivalent to a discarded suit.
Again, I step out and walk forward, leaving the suit behind me.
Over and over, the same image repeats as it finally registers that I have a choice.

I have a choice to change.

I don't need to continue to repeat the same patterns of behavior.

I can build my future on a different set of values and beliefs.

The image changes.

There is a dam that protects just the tiniest of waterfalls that is trickling over rocks in a stream.
I am walking along a bridge to cross the water when I look over to my left and see that it's about to give.
The dam gives way and the water flows easily and effortlessly down the stream.

Row, row, row your boat
Gently down the stream
Merrily
Merrily 
Merrily 
Merrily
Life is but a dream

I stand on the bridge, listening to the sounds of the water.
It gurgles and purrs as there is no block to its flow.

All the mental barriers I've created over the years come tumbling down in an effort to cleanse my mind with astonishing awareness.

***

I take my shoes off and put my toes in the sand.
I take the same walk I take often up and down the beach.

The leaves are starting to change color and the water is starting to look a little less friendly.

I sit on the edge of a tree stump and watch the waves roll in, one after the other.

There is no one at the waterfront.

Completely baren, just me and the water.

I recite the message again in my mind.

I release all stale, old beliefs and notions that I've been hanging onto that do not serve me positively in return.

What's meant for me in all aspects of my life will not miss me and all will unfold easily and effortlessly, in the right time and space, with harm to none.

Every day we can choose to carry around the weight of the past or we can choose to let it go and create space for new experiences and beginnings.

We can cling to the patterns we are familiar with or we can choose to shift our thoughts and create a different outcome.

We can choose.

We can choose to be more than the things that have happened to us along the way or the decisions that we made, no matter what those things were.

As I am deep in thought at how grateful I am for the gift of time and silence I've been granted, I look down at the sand in front of me to see a beautiful monarch is perched in peace.

A butterfly.

So unbelievably perfect in every way.

And as I start to make my way back, the butterfly continues to dance with me.

Bobbing up and down, flapping it's wings, it's beautiful colors against the grains of sand, leading the way.

It reminds me that we have the power to transform.

It reminds me that we all hold within us equal light and dark, good and evil, ugly and beautiful.

It reminds me that we all can change our belief system on what we are worth, and write a new mantra to live by, at any time.

The Problem With First Class

Would the following people please come forward to the desk to recheck?

Warren Brown

Lee Smith

Sarah Lee

John Evan

Irene Green

Yes! 

Upgraded to first! 

Here I sit with my warm cashews and glass of Pinot noir, while my chicken and broccoli lunch is being heated in the front cabin. I have a blanket, pillow and I was offered an iPad and earphones.   My bag made it into the overhead space with no issue, because I was in the fancy boarding class of zone 1 before the space was full, and there is a lovely curtain behind me blocking off the whole rest of the plane.  

Oh - and did I mention my legs don't even reach the seat in front of me? 

Sprawled out.

First Class.

Class Differential.

Let me first tell you this.

I love first class. 
I love every part of it. 
I love that there is recognition for travelers who spend so much time on the road.  
I love the treatment. 
I love that it is a quality way to fly. 

The complimentary upgrade means even more when I’ve forked out money for a personal trip on a flight longer than 3 hours. 
A business puddle jumper to Chicago just isn’t quite the same.  
This has completely brightened up leaving sunny Florida to come back to Not-So-Quite-Spring.

But think about this for a second.

First, my next flight won't likely be in first class.

So why, oh why, would you show me first class and then make me give it back?  

Complimentary upgrades have the potential to do the opposite of intention. They could raise the bar on expectations and create a future let down if it can't be continually provided. Once I've flown in first, it just isn't quite the same going back to economy.  

Ignorance really is bliss. 

Now I'm going to be forever disappointed if my next flight is seat 28E at the back of the plane in the middle seat because of this experience today. 

(Just calling it how it is to anyone who designs frequent-anything-rewards programs.)

Secondly, and more importantly, because it's 2016.

I live in the liberalized country of Canada, a left wing society constantly challenging and pushing the envelope on equality, yet we still have class differentials on one of the oldest methods of transportation. 

(Not on all airlines, mind you, but on this particular one today we do.)

A global issue of gender wage discrimination still exists and groups are aiming to close the gap between men and women for the same jobs.  

Legalized marriages in our LGBT communities are a fixed news item in traditional right wing America where the process has been slower to catch up, and staggering announcements and bills are passed that just don't seem to make any logical sense in this day and age.  

Religious views still exist in extremes, stuck in archaic ways of operating that always has been and therefore always must be the same, with little forward progression as society has evolved.

There has been so much progress made with race and human rights but we seem to have so much farther still to go.

First class is a reminder that we just aren't there yet. 

Here I sit with a curtain separating me from the economy class, the less luckier who didn't make the upgrade cut today, the ones who look at those first few rows when boarding the plane and wonder what it would be like up there getting an orange juice and newspaper as you are seated.

I think we should get a checklist of stuff when we board and sit down and then we should be able to check the boxes yes or no. 

- Blanket

- Pillow

- Warm cashews

- Meal

- Drinks

- Newspaper

- Orange Juice

If we say no, we should open the curtains and be able to opt to send our treat to someone in economy.

Why should anyone else not get the chance to experience this? 

I bet the guy in 22A might like the hot nuts. 

(Just saying.) 

The lady in 26C might kill for a blanket or could be a nervous flier and want a glass of wine.

Don’t you think that is a wee bit more equalized way of operating?  

Silly perhaps, and yes, of course it doesn’t fix the core issue - but I didn't pay for this seat any more than the guy behind the curtain so why shouldn't I be able to share?

You, the complimentary upgraded passenger in 4a - would you like a glass of wine?  

No, no I would actually like to donate it to the lady in 17F.

Kind of like paying it forward but in flying standards.

I mean, there must be enough for everyone in first, so why can't I pass on the good fortune?

The bigger issue, of course, remains that we are still a society of classes.  
Inequality still prevails amongst us more than we may even realize.

Our youth, the younger generations, are the ones who we hope see the world 25 years from now operating in sea of equilibrium. 

Not us. 

We are fighting the battles, on the front lines, determined for change. Picket signs, voting, signing petitions, all paving the way to move the needle just a bit further. 

Would you ever consider going to someone in zone 4 or 5, the last zones to board, a single traveler and offer them your upgrade?  

Just reach out and allow someone the experience they have never had and give them a gift of generosity that could make their year.

On the weekday business trips I take, the first two zones to board are the whole plane. Everyone is traveling on business, and no one traveler is any better than the other, most of them chasing status of 100k+ mileage for the free family trip at Christmas to St Kitts.  

We all deserve that complimentary upgrade.

One day, I would love to randomly walk up to someone at the back of the plane, who has never been able to sit in seat 2A, and offer my first class ticket.  

Because as much as I love first class, I have continued hope for a world of peace, sustainability and equality - and I believe we should all play a role in that change.

** written 4/2/2016 and edited and reposted 11/13/2017