"Birthed from an egg, the butterfly lives it's early life as a caterpillar.
It then retreats within the pupa or chrysalis where it undergoes a transformation, and finally when it leaves the chrysalis, it is reborn as a beautiful, winged butterfly."
The magnificence of the life of a butterfly closely mirrors the possibility of transformation we have within ourselves.
***
I am sitting in the student council office.
I don't remember what I was working on that day and it probably doesn't matter.
I don't even remember what I was wearing or how my hair was styled.
I remember the fear.
They walked in, one by one, and shut the door behind them.
I couldn't even tell you what was said but I can see it all, clear as day in my mind, as if it was 25 years ago.
The room is closing in and getting smaller as shame washes over me and I'm humiliated by their words.
It was an hour before I had to speak to the entire school.
I could feel my legs shaking, feeling their hatred flood through me, as I dug deep for courage and walked up to the podium in the gymnasium.
I was 17.
***
I already know what is inside the envelope.
I grab it quickly from the mailbox, before my parents can get to it first, and run into my room.
My stomach sinks once I open it.
One word.
Capital letters stamped across the page.
DEBARRED.
Guilt floods through me for failing out of school on my parent's dime.
I just want one more chance.
My Father will be furious I didn't get my credentials.
How could I let this happen?
I am so much smarter than this.
Foolish.
Foolish.
Foolish.
I am a complete disappointment.
I was 21.
***
I am lying on a stainless steel table, glaring florescent lights overhead.
I can still see the poem on the wall beside me, that I read line after line, as the tears flowed down my face.
After a while you learn the subtle difference
Between holding a hand and chaining a soul,
And you learn that love doesn't mean leaning
And company doesn't mean security.
And you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts
And presents aren't promises,
And you begin to accept your defeats
With your head up and your eyes open
With the grace of a woman, not the grief of a child,
And you learn to build all your roads on today
Because tomorrow's ground is too uncertain for plans
And futures have a way of falling down in mid-flight.
After a while you learn...
That even sunshine burns if you get too much.
So you plant your garden and decorate your own soul,
Instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers.
And you learn that you really can endure...
That you really are strong
And you really do have worth...
With every goodbye, you learn ...
The fury clawing at my insides as I'm lectured by the woman in white.
You don't have a clue what you're talking about Lady.
How dare you generalize your accusations to me without knowing the facts.
***
I walked in the door.
I am in the corner of my first bachelor apartment in Fergus, sitting curled up in a ball on the floor, rocking back and forth.
I can feel the music play through me as the speakers shake and I stare ahead in darkness, completely numb.
"I can feel it comin' back again, like a rollin' thunder chasing' the wind.." - Live
Shame runs through my veins and swallows me whole.
No one will ever love me now.
How could I have been so stupid?
I was 22.
***
I line up all the boxes on the left hand side of the garage.
"His" and "Hers" takes on a whole new meaning.
How did we get here?
Guilt screams in my mind.
I can't leave them
I can't
It's time Sarah.
How did I go from "I Do" to "I-take-half-the-plates"?
I walk through the house one last time, closing every door behind me in a ritual of goodbye's, lump growing in my throat.
I can't walk through the door.
I can't do it.
FAILURE
I can't.
ALONE
I can't.
Sarah, it's over.
I know I have to go.
It's time.
I was 30.
***
He was taunting me.
The words propelling at me like bullets, saying that I hadn't done anything for years, and I took all the bait.
I didn't do anything??
After all that I've done.
After all the time that I've spent.
You think that I didn't do anything??
Blood is boiling through my veins as I pick up my keys and walk out the door.
I was 38.
***
I just got here.
I JUST got here.
You have to be kidding me.
When am I going to stop?
It's all gone.
All of it.
It's gone.
***
One by one, over the years, they lodge themselves into comfort.
Fear.
Guilt.
Shame.
Failure.
The perfect building blocks for an avalanche into self doubt.
It becomes a pattern of familiar poor decisions led by seeking external gratification for compassion and kindness I could not possibly give to myself.
I wanted my co-workers to praise my efforts, I wanted affection from whoever would accept me and I wanted my friends and family to tell me I was loved.
I was out of tune like a wounded piano, desperately trying to hide from my mistakes as I stumbled and tripped into a few more.
It all gets a little easier though, as the years go by, when you've convinced yourself you aren't worth any better and that no one will really ever love you.
The mistakes just reinforce all my beliefs on my flaws and imperfections.
***
I never really sat quietly.
I never reflected to determine what was right or wrong for me or what I really wanted in life.
I just kept going, "without my seatbelt on"as my Aunt would say, heading for the next train wreck I collided into, without any understanding that I caused it or could've made different choices to avoid the crash.
It didn't occur to me that the change I really needed to make was within myself.
***
I step into the salt water tank and close the door.
It takes a few moments before my senses are heightened and I'm submerged in complete darkness.
I lie back and deepen my inhalations and exhalations of my breath and feel all the muscles in my body start to relax.
Images start to flash through my mind as I lose track of where the water ends and my body begins.
For a few minutes, the same image repeats.
I step out of my skin and walk forward, leaving behind an image on the ground equivalent to a discarded suit.
Again, I step out and walk forward, leaving the suit behind me.
Over and over, the same image repeats as it finally registers that I have a choice.
I have a choice to change.
I don't need to continue to repeat the same patterns of behavior.
I can build my future on a different set of values and beliefs.
The image changes.
There is a dam that protects just the tiniest of waterfalls that is trickling over rocks in a stream.
I am walking along a bridge to cross the water when I look over to my left and see that it's about to give.
The dam gives way and the water flows easily and effortlessly down the stream.
Row, row, row your boat
Gently down the stream
Merrily
Merrily
Merrily
Merrily
Life is but a dream
I stand on the bridge, listening to the sounds of the water.
It gurgles and purrs as there is no block to its flow.
All the mental barriers I've created over the years come tumbling down in an effort to cleanse my mind with astonishing awareness.
***
I take my shoes off and put my toes in the sand.
I take the same walk I take often up and down the beach.
The leaves are starting to change color and the water is starting to look a little less friendly.
I sit on the edge of a tree stump and watch the waves roll in, one after the other.
There is no one at the waterfront.
Completely baren, just me and the water.
I recite the message again in my mind.
I release all stale, old beliefs and notions that I've been hanging onto that do not serve me positively in return.
What's meant for me in all aspects of my life will not miss me and all will unfold easily and effortlessly, in the right time and space, with harm to none.
Every day we can choose to carry around the weight of the past or we can choose to let it go and create space for new experiences and beginnings.
We can cling to the patterns we are familiar with or we can choose to shift our thoughts and create a different outcome.
We can choose.
We can choose to be more than the things that have happened to us along the way or the decisions that we made, no matter what those things were.
As I am deep in thought at how grateful I am for the gift of time and silence I've been granted, I look down at the sand in front of me to see a beautiful monarch is perched in peace.
A butterfly.
So unbelievably perfect in every way.
And as I start to make my way back, the butterfly continues to dance with me.
Bobbing up and down, flapping it's wings, it's beautiful colors against the grains of sand, leading the way.
It reminds me that we have the power to transform.
It reminds me that we all hold within us equal light and dark, good and evil, ugly and beautiful.
It reminds me that we all can change our belief system on what we are worth, and write a new mantra to live by, at any time.
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