"I'm a barbie girl, in a barbie world.
Life in plastic, isn't it fantastic?"
- Aqua
***
In the spirit of the highly awaited Ryan Gosling Ken doll, I thought Barbie was rather appropriate when talking about perfection.
(Not saying Ryan Gosling is perfection.)
(Although quite likely.)
I have no idea if there is a Ryan Gosling Ken doll coming out.
***
For the first time in a few years, a book captured my attention from cover to cover yesterday. It was a dreamy first day of vacation, where I sat on my balcony listening to the rain fall, continually flipping pages thinking, "after this chapter, I'm going to get up and do something." Of which, the only thing I managed to do yesterday was land in the Epiphany Hotel, as the author fondly refers to it, that I would personally call the Switch I've been looking for.
The book is called "Navigating Shitstorms" and to sum it up in one sentence, she takes a journey from "Victimtown" to "Freedomville" and shares her insights from her own story.
Here's my horrible truth. I really only wanted to read about Freedomville. I didn't think I played the victim that often. (Besides, who wants to go to Victimtown?) In fact, I have spent loads of time taking ownership of things that aren't mine for so long that I almost skipped the whole first half of the book. I just wanted the recipe to happiness, not the ingredients to misery. Isn't that awful? I wonder how many of us just want the short cut.
But I decided to read it all.
What I didn't realize is that there are a whole lot more scenic attractions in Victimville than blaming other people for your issues. Places like the Guilt and Shame cafe (they know my order really well there), the Anger gas station, (most of my journaling from 2022), the Resentment parking lot, (Oh the things I should have said!), and the Control factory. (If only I could go back and do this again for a different outcome). Oh, and I almost forgot! The waiting area in the Sorrow Swampland when you've completely given up all hope. You might hang out there until you head back to one of the other familiar attractions again, or by some grace of God, reach the Meditation Meadow and find the exit out.
It is basically like one huge escape room that you can get trapped in; bouncing around from the Guilt Cafe, refueling at the Anger gas station, sitting cross legged on the parking lot of Resentment, until you Ruminate your way back to the Sorrow Swampland and start the whole process again.
Oh. My. Word.
(Anyone else with me here...?)
Somehow, reading it in this language helped me with the final shift I needed to a different perspective.
I don't want to live in that city anymore.
Period.
So, what does the bridge out look like?
Perhaps part of it is awareness of all the attractions that exist and how enticing they are. (Which doesn't happen if you skip the first half of the book.) Perhaps part of it is wanting a better outcome. Not everyone is ready to change. It is possible to be camped in that town for a really, really long time, not interested in solutions. And maybe part of it is not knowing how or not believing it's possible. So perhaps another element is sheer will and a shift in beliefs.
***
Tony Robbins would say that depression is caused by your "Blueprint" not equaling your "Life Conditions". What that means is that each of us have our own little story in our mind of what "happiness" looks like. Our perfect job, our perfect partner or family, our perfect friends in our perfect city, and our perfect home. When that "blueprint" does not match reality, we derail.
To that, he says we have 3 options.
- Blame someone else (cruise on back to Victimtown for another puddle jumping event through the attractions there)
- Change your blueprint or
- Change your life.
That's it. We are in charge of all of it.
We always have a choice.
When I reflect back on my "blueprint" and outcomes, it is pretty clear to see the patterns that have landed me back in Victimtown on more than one occasion.
Some of them are things like saying yes when I should have said no. Or changing my own behaviour because I didn't like an outcome and wanted the outcome to be different. At times, I have put everyone else ahead of my own wishes. I have also listened or contributed to many conversations about other people that served no purpose of resolution.
Ultimately, this (and lots of other patterns) can potentially be a direct road to Victimtown and a catapault down the self-worth ladder to darkness.
***
Before I left McDonald's corporate team last year, we had a consultant work with us on team building using the principles from "The Five Dysfunctions of a Team". What was most fascinating to me was the session we did on conflict.
We had to rate ourselves on a self-assessment that marked us on a spectrum from "Spirited Debater" to "Calm Debater". I cannot even imagine being a Spirited Debater. I mean, voluntarily walking into conflict? How about ZERO CHANCE. My results came back extreme, running as far away from discomfort as possible.
That session though, challenged my attitude towards conflict.
I have always believed that conflict is bad. "Take the high road and keep the peace."
So that is what I have done. Professionally and personally, I have tried to create peace with a mission to help everyone see each other's viewpoint and find a neutral place where we can all play in the sandbox happily ever after. There is a name for this from our training that day.
Artificial Harmony.
There is also another option and it's called Productive Conflict. Productive conflict is not screaming at the top of your lungs, emotionally unregulated, with the sole intention of having someone hear your side or to be right.
Productive conflict is the choice to work together for a resolution by sharing how you feel with the intention of finding a solution. Productive conflict is not something I have had a whole lot of practice with, but I bet Artificial Harmony lands a whole lot of people into Victimtown.
Just sayin'.
***
I'm sure we all drift in and out of Victimtown at times. Perhaps the only real question we need to ask ourselves is "How long do I want to stay there?"
There was a lot of safety for me to camp out in that place. The devil you know. Ruminating over the past and the feelings that go with it kept me safe from risk or future harm. But hanging out in Victimtown doesn't end well and I do know this. Good health is found in Freedom, not the Resentment parking lot or the Guilt and Shame cafe. It's quite likely also found in speaking up for what you need, saying yes and no appropriately and staying true to who you are, amongst much more.
***
There is a feeling of peace evolving lately that expands every day I wake up. It gets amplified when I'm by the waterfront and see all the sparkles from the sun on the lake, the monarchs that have just begun to hatch or the rare sound of a car on the overpass on a Sunday morning. It is hard to put into words the change in my thoughts and presence from where I began, but I'm so, so grateful to have finally turned the corner.
I am more mindful, and less hyperaware. (It cost me nearly $1500 in therapy to learn that "mindfulness" is not "hyperawareness.")
That was another trip to the Epiphany hotel.
(Hopefully I just saved someone a grand.)
***
Last Summer, I wrote a post called "Bright Spots", that referred to tiny rays of hope during a really dark patch of my life. I titled it because two different people in my life, within a week apart, had both said to me "Sar, you do have some bright spots" and I wanted to acknowledge the progress.
Recently, I got a new weather forecast:
"Mostly sunny with a few clouds."
(Love you Cath. ♥ )
***
I love to imagine what next year will bring.
What does life look like after leaving Victimtown for good?, I wonder.
Tony Robbins has another quote I love.
"What's wrong is always available. So is what's right."
That is now posted on my bulletin board.
I am already brewing up what comes next.
(Next year, I'm totally going to write "Bright Blue Sky").
😎
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