Dance Monkey

"Dance for me, dance for me, dance for me, oh oh oh
I've never seen anybody do the things you do before
They say move for me, move for me, move for me... ay, ay, ay
And when you're done, I'll make you do it all again"
- Tones and I 

***

I heard an interview with Toni Watson recently, who is the vocals and writer for the song "Dance Monkey".  I almost turned the station, because I didn't really like the song originally, but I thought I'd hear it out.

She shared how she started out in the music business, playing on street corners because she couldn't get real gigs in the beginning.  She decided to write a song about her early days, but wanted to separate it from her own personal story.

Instead of calling it "Singing Monkey" - which she laughed and said seemed to sound somewhat ridiculous, she called it "Dance Monkey".  If you listen to the song, she sings about people stopping to watch her on the streets and asking her to "dance one more time", but it is in reference to her playing one more song for the crowd who watched her.

I absolutely loved so many references to this that it is now makes me smile every time it comes on the radio.   Rags to riches, combined with a passion so strong that she is willing to stand on a street corner and perform to anyone who would listen, regardless of if she was paid or not.

***

The unthinkable and inevitable happened to me today.

I lost my job for the second time in two years.  Me and about a zillion other people across the globe, I'm sure.

I have thought long and hard about this day recently, and as much as I've been part of enough senior leadership teams to see this coming, it doesn't change the depth of the sucker punch when it happens.

***

Two days ago, I made a list of what I was going to do and how I was going to fill my days because, as I've already said, it wasn't a question of if, it was a question of when, this took place.   You can't close 27 casinos and with zero revenue expect to have a Training and Audit team.   There is NO revenue and no people.   It isn't about how hard any of us work, how much value we add or who is most liked.   Desperate times call for desperate measures and I completely understand that this isn't personal.

I took the call today and swallowed my pride and tears as I heard the words again that my job was temporarily being removed.   After a long cry, a drive with Mal aimlessly without much to say, and a coffee (because really, every afternoon still requires a coffee break) - I pulled myself together and walked back into the basement office of our home that, after 56 days, will not sell.

So, here we are.
Here I am.

I pulled my journal out of the drawer and went back two days in time.

"When I am laid off, I will need to be reminded of this.
This will feel like the end of the world, but it isn't.

These are my intentions of how I will handle it.

1.  I will wake up every day and have my morning coffee and journal and document this experience.
2.   I will walk for 90 minutes every day that we are not quarantined to city lock down to stay healthy and get outside.
3.   I will lead by example to others on social distancing and stay educated and informed on the virus.
4.   I will read and study online, and use this time to educate myself that I would not normally have had.
5.   I will write a book and I will start to post on my blog site again, with the solid intention of inspiring anyone else who needs it." 

- written, Sunday March 15th, 2020.

***

My bulletin board was blank from the house being listed.

One by one, I created the space I need to be creative and to write again.

I put up a picture of the Yaan Healing Spa in Tulum that I still hope to visit one day.   The over the water hut in the Maldives, the photo with the blue umbrella I can so clearly see myself sitting at one day, and the card I pulled from my Personal Leadership Workshop almost 3 years ago now that says "Inspired" - which I still love as much as the day I picked it.

Every break has a purpose.

I have been sacrificed the gift of financial security today, but I have been given the gift of time.

How I use that is my choice.

I am going to try my best to help others, to write some silly, light stories or deep, painful ones - and to use my written expression as a gift just like the Dance Monkey lady.

(For the love of God, please do not call me Writing Monkey."

And one day I will wake up.

The lights will be on at Starbucks and the chairs will be back around the tables.

The stock market will be green, not red, and the New York Stock Exchange will sound alive again with chatter.

St. Patrick's day celebrations will resume and Dublin's in Chicago will be shoulder to shoulder.

And this too, shall have passed.

Until then, I will stay in isolation, paint my own toes (the tragedy), spray my own roots (I will soon know what they are), and write another few lines.

Sending some love and prayers to everyone around the globe -
Stay healthy and be well.

Favourite Things

"Brown paper packages tied up with string
These are a few of my favourite things.."
- Julie Andrews

***


Google Search History

→Redken 01 Burlington

→Redken 01 Chatham

→Redken 01 Ontario
→Redken 01 USA ship to Burlington, Ontario
→Is Redken 01 discontinued?
→What product is like Redken 01?
→Why did L'Oreal discontinue Redken 01?

***

I like what I like - and I have absolutely no interest in subbing in another product in any aspect of my life for what I normally use, so I stockpile things and cross my fingers that never, ever, ever will they discontinue a product.

I am a complete Marketer's dream.

I live, eat and breathe by the brand names I want to be associated with and I do not want
No Name (unless it's 22L garbage bags for under the sink) or a copy cat, knock-off, "similar" but not- quite-right-equivalent.

Period.

I want the real thing.

So, Redken thoroughly irritated me when they discontinued the 01 Polishing Milk I use for my hair.

It prevents frizz in all kinds of weather including rain, humidity and Mexico (Mexico is it's own special category in a weather forecast for hair) and I'm not remotely impressed that I now have to start a search party for something new.

***

I can even tell you when it started to happen.  

A store that normally carried it said it was "on backorder" (bad sign), and then someone else told me to try something new (never going to happen) and then I KNEW I better start increasing the par stock levels in my closet to compensate for a potential future catastrophe.

…and then I heard those awful words.

"Aw, I'm so sorry Miss.  That item is discontinued."

At which point I went into complete denial and started Googling.

I mean, someone still has to have an inventory I can get a hold of.

It can't be totally sold out.

If it was, there SURELY there is enough demand to make some more?  

Isn't there?

What is wrong with L'Oreal? Ugh.

***

It is highly possible I spend more money on hair colour, hair serums, hair lotions, hair styling creams, hair spray and hair anything-else-I-can-pack-in-my-Mini items, than potentially my wardrobe.

Normal Toiletry Travel Bag

(note that it is in a medium sized Thirty One tote bag in camo.   Also note that if they would make a pink camo one, I would buy a second... can someone please recommend this?)

• Silver toning shampoo
• Silver toning conditioner (can't use them both on same day)
• Redken all soft shampoo
• Redken all soft conditioner (see, you must alternate one of the above Silver items with Redken items)
• Bath and Body Works shower gel - (must be Aromatherapy and not the hideous Sleep one)
• Bath and Body Works body lotion (see above and I was actually almost over Bath and Body Works, except the cost of my hair products makes me require their coupons - encouraging me to buy more and more of their stuff in bulk and there is no end to my supply).  I want the Dermalogica brand but its' $68 for body cream and even I feel like that's somewhat excessive.
• Milkshake silver hair mousse (we are getting to this)
• Redken 01 (DUH)
• Redken 01 back up in case I run out on the road
• Simple foaming face wash
• Redken waterwax 
• The list goes on substantially........

This is all super important information because if I'm excited about a new product, it obviously is well researched.  

So, first of all, I found 2 units of Redken 01 and of course, bought them both as the Store Clerk kindly reminded me that the product was discontinued.

(Thanks Einstein - why do you think I cleared you out of them?)

BUT .....

In my search for the last lone 01's around, I found a new, fantastic, amazing thing that sadly does not replace my 01 but yep, adds to it - and should be considered as a Christmas gift for any blonde (preferably 'assisted' blonde, not I'm 15 and actually born this way blonde) friend or family member.

I found another freaking product I must use on top of everything else.

And I was totally sold.  

I was wandering around... (which I do quite quickly now …. the search for the 01 is a mission.   Speed walking - scanning shelves...… come on …. come on ……. there has to be a couple left..... seriously, in effing Windsor, every person knows about this product and has bought it.... unbelievable... truly freaking unbelievable...)

But the girl stops me...
"Can I help you?"

Me, (defeated at this point.)
"No, it's discontinued.   Was worth a shot really.   That's all.   You know, the Redken 01 milk?"

She rebuttles.

"Have you seen the line from Milkshake?   All the Bloggers are raving about it."

Wait, WHAT?
People are raving about a new product.
And I do not KNOW this?

"Go on ..." I tell her.

And in a sales pitch of less than 3 minutes, I have a Silver Foaming Mousse Leave In Conditioner, Milkshake "Incredible Milk" (Beauty Shortlist Awards Winner … obviously good + "find your perfect match for Valentine's day"), and Milkshake  "No Frizz Glistening Milk" (in case the Incredible Milk wasn't good enough).

I leave feeling quite satisfied that I now know something no one else on Planet Earth knows - which is about Silver Foaming Leave In conditioner that "all the Bloggers are raving about".

And you know what?

IT'S THAT GOOD!!!!!

It's the perfect add-on, 41st product I must pack with me weekly - and yet another reason I must get a cart at every hotel I stay in to bring all my hair products, shoes, wine, suitcase, coats, laptop, candles, books, journals, BBQ lighter (yes, correct - I drag one with me every week) and vitamins.  

I mean, doesn't everyone do this??


***

Sharing this background should help anyone understand why I spent $70 on a planner for next year - (The Happiness Planner) because it HAD to be the planner that I had this year and loved and wanted the next version of.

Or why, when I rave about Sophie Kinsella's latest funny as hell (totally copied her "google search history" idea here) book, (Christmas Shopohalic),  it's because I've read them all and man, this one is soooo funny - that if you have any female (or male for that matter - my nephew was reading it yesterday and was rather amused and he's 11), that fits the profile, it is SO worth giving.  

(He's 11, right?)

Anyways..... when I say that it is funny, it really is awesome and I would totally recommend buying it for anyone who loves shopping, humor or just a great light, fun read.

***

I was driving home from Chatham today and stopped at the ON Route in Dutton for breakfast at A&W.  (Yes, I'm owning up to this.)  I am a huge fan of the rebrand A&W has had and love the push to sustainability, the vegan friendly push with the Beyond Meat sandwiches (not that that's what I had … sorry),  and even Keto options with the plate of bacon and eggs.   (I'm totally being called out on this for sure by my smart Chef friends.)

Anyways, 20 years ago when I worked for McDonald's, we toasted every English muffin to order, made the eggs at each moment and seared the ham for each muffin.

A&W still does that now and I am a sucker.  I stop there whenever I feel it's morally acceptable for fast food because I know it will take some time but will be made from scratch every time.

My Bacon + Egg McMuffin (or whatever it is called there) and my hashbrown were spot on.   Just toasted, just cooked, hot-hot-hot and awesome.

The (probably somewhat disgruntled, but underneath it all really amazing) employee looked like she was barely surviving her Friday morning and I'd like to add that there was a bell (correct) on the counter that said "Please ring for service.  I'm in the back."

So, as I sat in the ON Route this morning, eating my top notch Egg McMuffin sandwich, I decided I was going to tell her how important my stop here was every Friday.

I walked up to her and said "I know you're busy and working hard between the back and here.   I want you to know that I stop here every Friday morning because the muffin is always toasted fresh, the food is made to order and it is always perfect, every time. It is one of the favourite parts of my week."

I smiled, but as I walked away I could hear her talking to the next person in line.

"Well now, didn't that sure turn my day around in a hurry."

Disgruntled became smitten in just a few sentences.

***

I got in the car and thought about how awesome my Breakfast was.

(Yes, McMuffins seriously can make my day if they don't screw them up and they aren't cold and soggy).

I started humming these are a few of my favourite things. (feel free to check me in to a local sanitarium.   I'm sure there is a very logical reason I started humming the Sound of Music.)

And I decided I was going to write it.

At first I thought - who am I to share my favourite things and why does what I have to say carry any value?  I'm not exactly Oprah. 

But a Blogger I don't know sold me Milkshake Silver Conditioning Mousse and it's SO cool.

So here are a few of my favourites - and maybe one solitary person out there will buy something, somewhere in the whole universe and I will become famous like the Silver Conditioning Mousse blogger.  (Well, she's seriously famous to me.)

***

Favourite Fast Food Restaurant - A&W (I cannot believe I just wrote that)

Favourite New Hair Product - Milkshake Conditioning Mousse (Silver if you're Blonde!)

Favourite Funny Read - Christmas Shopaholic, Sophie Kinsella (actual tears of laughter reading this).

Favourite Olive Oil - Bahkouti Green Chili.   You know the tag line for Frank's Red Hot sauce?  I put that xxxx on everything.   This is my Frank's.   I seriously use it for everything I cook.

Favourite Bath And Body Works candle scent - Winter (I would put it in every room.   It smells like luxury and frankincense and is wonderful.)

Favourite Christmas Hand Soap - Arbonne's stuff last year - ?????? - (someone please tell me it isn't discontinued.   I can't handle it.)

Favourite Vintage Red Wine (for value) (and only this week... it changes regions and labels often) - Santa Carolina (in Vintages section in Chile) with all the fancy gold labels of 92,93, 91 scores for wine - $19.95 a bottle and big thumbs up.  

(Note that Burlington Longo's plaza is sold out and I can't imagine why)  
(Also note that it's not the screw top in the Chile section you get at your local fish and chip shop as "Red Wine" on the menu.)

Favourite Article of Clothing - Banana Republic Wax Jeans (if you work with me, also known as the "Sparkly Pants I've never worn").  I bought these pants because two awesome people I know had them and I wanted to look as good as they did in them.   In my relentless Google searching, I finally found them and when they arrived, I had absolutely nothing in my closet to go with them.  For a year they sat with the tags on in my closet and miraculously now - they are the best thing I've ever owned.  I now want them in navy blue and burgundy.  (hint, hint to my family.....good luck finding them)

Favourite Song - I've officially worn out Paper Rings by Taylor Swift and have moved onto I Think He Knows.   I think I will slowly abuse the whole album.   Cadillac 3's new song, heavily influenced from ZZ Top is also pretty cool though called Slow Rollin' that just came out yesterday and I love, love, love Long After Last Call.  

Favourite Facial - I'm not even sure how this is a category but I had a facial at Casino Rama (not a misprint) and I swear it was worth 2.5 times what I paid.   Neck massage, foot massage, 90 minute treatment... Without question, the best and I will find time for another when I go back in two weeks.

Favourite Hotel I Love and Have Never Stayed At - Be Tulum in Mexico.  (Do not crush my dreams and tell me someone was murdered there recently).  It's a cool $625 a night and as you enter the resort, expensive incense wafts gently through the entire place and it oozes a cross between Survivor (when the flame ceremony is) and daytime heaven on earth.  Oven roasted fish, white sand, copper sinks, smelly, amazing incense ….yes to all of it - and Bora, Bora on the way home.

Favourite Self Care Treat (I hate the word Self Care) - Kate Stewart's hot stone restorative yoga class that I'm absolutely counting down the hours to this Sunday.   She runs it at the 7th Wave yoga studio in Burlington and you basically lie blissfully still for 2 hours in the candlelight with soft music playing and a room full of essential oils that smell heavenly.   $60 and worth a million.

***

Google Search History

→ Images on Gratitude
→ Images on Favourite Things
→ Quotes on Favourite Things
→ Quotes on Being Thankful
→ Quotes on Happiness
→ Images from the Sound of Music
→ Images of Be Tulum hotel

What I love most about putting together a list of all my favourites, isn't about selling it to anyone else.

It is about taking time to give recognition and appreciation to all the things, big and small, that make my experience in this world what it is.

How amazing is it to stop and pause for a moment in time - and think of all the awesome, beautiful and silly things to treasure, and dream about a few more.

And if I close my eyes and take a deep breath, I can smell the incense that defines exquisite luxuty ot me.  I can picture the white sand on the beach and the pristine, turquoise water.   And if I squint and look real close, I can see myself walking that beach and I know that one day, I will do exactly that.

Sometimes I think about what an incredible privilege it is to be alive - to breathe, to live, to enjoy, to dream.

I mean, really, how very lucky are we all?

***

"When the dog bites, when the bee stings, when I'm feeling sad
I simply remember my favourite things and then I don't feel soooo bad"

Paper Rings

"I like shiny things, but I'd marry you with paper rings

Uh huh, that's right

Darlin, You're the one I want"

- Taylor Swift

***

I don't usually post cryptic messages on Facebook.  

In fact, it drives me absolutely crazy when I see posts like that because I am an open book.   

I am such an open book that I write about it and share it with everyone else around me, so we can all learn together from my mistakes, successes and heartaches.

It's what I do.

I write.   

I speak.   

I tell stories.

So, it's super weird that I've just done this whole sorta cryptic thing lately because it's totally not me.

The coolest thing ever, though, is that I always underestimate the power of sharing, and the number of people who have reached out to me privately has blown my mind yet again - from friends who I haven't connected with in a really long time to some I don't even know very well.

***

I published my first post in almost nine months on Friday night.   

9 minutes later, I deleted it.

In that 9 minutes, 19 people read what I had to say and I received one private message I will always remember within minutes of it being published.

If you are one of those lucky 19, then you have secretly seen into one of my most personal and painful posts I've ever written - and who knows, maybe one day I will republish it and I will keep it stored away for now, like a Collectors item or something.

The reality is that while it was healing for me to write it, we don't all heal the same way and I needed to be respectful of that so I removed it.

The post was called Death By A Thousand Cuts (sounds like you missed a fun read, doesn't it?) and it began with lyrics by Taylor Swift where she is in such a state over a breakup that she asks the traffic lights if it'll be okay and they reply "I don't know".

I didn't write it for attention, I didn't write it for anyone to take sides, I didn't write it for any other reason than it's all I know in how to process where I'm at in life.

My fingers hit the keys and everything in my mind and heart comes tumbling out onto the pages and sometimes, many times, it resonates with other people too.

***

So this cryptic thing is because I feel somewhat paralyzed.

I've made a choice that was really, really difficult to end my relationship and I'm not really sure how to handle it at this stage in my life.

I feel tremendous guilt and I feel like I can't post anything funny or witty or fun for fear I will be judged as callous and cold and cruel.

I am sensitive to the pain this has caused as we grieve differently through it.    

I have questioned if I should unfriend half my world because what would everyone think to see me living my life?  But maybe it is actually realized that behind every strong post, there are tears and pain being fought in the background, sometimes only moments before.

***

This morning, I received a message, (many of them actually that I have yet to respond to), but one, which is the reason for this post.

The message said this - 

Love your post!

Love your share!

Love your courage! 

This life and this journey is not easy.

I connected to a friends share yesterday and one of the many takeaways is that "the only constant is change".

So important for us to share.

xo

***

What hit me from this is that we easily forget there is so much power in connection and sharing our stories with others.  When we have the courage to express our struggles to those around us, there is a healing surge that comes through from all those we interact with.

So I decided today to share what I felt I could without compromising the privacy of what needs to be kept personal at this time.

Ultimately, only we can choose what we feel is aligned for each stage of our life and sometimes what we choose is not easy or understood.

***

I named this post Paper Rings for a reason.

I received a poem once from a girlfriend of mine when I was in my teens.   For years, I read it everyday in the frame beside my bed.

It claimed that we need rain for rainbows and that behind every failure, there is a potential for triumph just waiting to be brought forth by each of us.

Paper Rings is opposite to Death By A Thousand Cuts and I wanted the tone of this post to be opposite to what I wrote Friday.

It is the catchiest, cheekiest, silliest song by Taylor Swift and if I'm in the worst mood ever, it can cheer me up and make me dance.  (If you do not dance to this song, there is something very, very wrong with you.)  

I have wiped my tears and started dancing, drying my hair to this song in the morning, getting ready for my day.   It is my antidepressant that I sometimes need on repeat.

(Dancing while drying your hair is an artform, by the way, that can only be perfected with practice).

***

We never know what awaits around the corner in this crazy ride of life, although experiencing all the ranges of emotions from love to despair is somewhat inevitable along the way.

We are brought together at baptisms and funerals, weddings and divorce, graduations and job losses.

In times of struggle; the combined strength of friendships, family and community are what help us through.

And sometimes, when in doubt - we can always pour a stiff drink, turn the music up a little louder and dance.

Any Man of Mine

"You gotta shimmy shake.  
Make the earth quake.
Kick and turn, stomp, stomp."
- Shania Twain.

***

I hate being new.

I really hate being new.

I want to be the expert with the answers, that can engage a room and bring the team together; that no one can imagine how on earth they ever survived before.

(Low expectations)   

Being new could not be any farther outside of my comfort zone.

***

I have not driven in the snow in probably 10 years.
How fitting to be working in Hanover, Ontario.

(Country roads and blowing snow - but quite possibly the most beautiful sunrises in the province.)

I have used an iPhone and a MacBook for at least the last decade.
It is of no surprise that I'm now on an Android and a Dell.

I have spent the last 365 days with Mal.
I am remote in Hanover for, what is beginning to look like, forever.

I go to bed at 10pm and wake up at 6.
The training team goes for dinner at 10pm and some days, sees the sunrise before they go to sleep.

I've been here two weeks and I have no idea where the staff entrance is to the site and twice I've had someone show me.

There is nothing more challenging for an obsessive perfectionist than ensuring that, at every possible freaking turn, EVERYTHING IS NEW.

Perhaps that is the lesson in itself.

***

Interestingly enough, I know this now.

I have an astute awareness to completely see my own shortfalls and patterns that perhaps I did not see as easily in my previous working life.

I see myself from 30,000 feet, as if I'm in the top corner of the room, and observe every tiny detail of how I'm acting and feeling.

(And many times look for the remote for the rewind button).

So it appears to be the greatest of all tests to try and shift my behavior into a new line of thinking.

***

As I'm surrounded by a group of individuals on a training team that is truly the best in their class, I have to remind myself to release my perfectionistic tendencies and embrace the process of learning and growth once again.

Every morning, I take out my journal and write down 5 good things about the day before.   What I learned, what I appreciate and could express gratitude for, and what I am getting the hang of - even if it's as simple as adjusting to my new routine.

It will all come in time and I won't be the new girl forever.

Sometimes we need constant reminders that although transitions are never easy, there is progress and movement where we may not even notice.

***

It is that silly Shania song from so long ago that finally cracks me.

I am sitting in our, soon to be, Match restaurant in Hanover.   There is plastic on the tables, boxes still up over the tv's, 30 constructions workers wandering the site in hard hats and boots.

We are challenged to meet our opening deadline and modifying our training schedule on the fly.  Regardless of any delay or change, the training team is handling every issue with grace and class.

We have finally finished our morning sessions and are on a break when a construction worker turns up the volume and puts on a Shania Twain playlist.  For some reason, it strikes me as absolutely comical that a burly, bearded man is belting out Any Man of Mine, so I decide to join him.

As I'm wiping down tables, laughing and singing the song (threatening to line dance), all my worries temporarily fade away for one fleeting moment - and it finally registers that I haven't allowed myself to be who I really am.

I have put so much pressure on myself to learn and absorb everything I can in 8.2 seconds that I've forgotten to have fun.

I've forgotten that every single one of us on this team started somewhere, that we all add a different perspective and value - and instead of comparing myself and my product knowledge to that of the others, how different could that outcome be if I focused more energy on my own unique point of view and built on that.

I stand back and take a deep breath and smile.

There is so much beauty in remembering to honour the beginning.

What A Feeling

"Take your passion...and make it happen
Pictures come alive ~ you can dance right through your life"
- Irene Cara

***

The drought is finally over.

Thank.   
God.

Personally and professionally the taps are flowing once again.

Hallelujah.

I spent the first weekend (after dry January), on a bus trip with 40 very happy people who were sipping away on some of Niagara's small boutique wineries' finest cab's.  (And yes, the gnocchi was mighty fine that I had for lunch.)

Speaking of which, the whole 3 day fasting thing was rather fascinating to explore and not at all what I envisioned.

I thought I would be so exhausted that I would need to take frequent naps throughout the day, counting down the minutes and hours to go to bed.  It was, in fact, completely the opposite.   I felt like someone had stuck my finger in an electrical socket I was so wired.   For three days, there was nothing but two bulletproof coffee's per day that entered my system and the caffeine impacted me in a way I never could have foreseen.  I barely slept.   I was so focused I would imagine it would equate to taking Adderall and I can't imagine why I did not discover this when I was in school.  I bet studying for Chemistry would've gone much better on a fast, than alternating study sessions at a keg party.

I did not, however, miraculously stimulate cell renewal and fix the sun damage on my face.  Sadly, I still had to keep my dermatologist appointment, which, after "suffering" 3 days of no food - the doctor told me was not skin cancer, and I quote "it's age."

Fabulous.

Which brings me to a point.

I am wrong far more often than I am right.

***

Things I have said in the past year and a half ~

• I am not going back into the workforce to work for someone else
• I am going to work as a full-time Reflexologist
• I will have multiple revenue streams and never again dedicate my time to working a full-time job again
• I will not get a job "less than" what I was doing before
• I am going to be a best selling writer like Sophie Kinsella or Elizabeth Gilbert and be on Ellen

Reality.

• My idea of selling the house and moving into a double wide trailer was not popularly received
• I had to put bags of frozen peas on my hands the pain was so bad from practicing reflexology and there is no way I could do this full-time 
• While I still totally stand firm on my belief in multiple revenue streams, it appears a base is somewhat necessary if you have not won the Lotto 649.  (Is there even still a lotto 649 - ??)
• There is no such thing as "less than".  The statement should read "I will get a job only doing what I love."
• I still have hope.

***

It's funny how often we can apply Einstein's definition of insanity to our lives.

During the month of lovely dry January, I was up at 6am sharp every morning, coffee and journal in hand, with one solid intention of getting a new job that I loved.

I have notes from the past 567 days of not working - jobs I've applied for, lists of responsibilities or accountability that I wanted in a new role, meetings I've had.

The first thing that I noticed was that none of my searches reflected what I actually wanted to do.  I wanted a role that included auditing, training, advising and coaching but I was searching for leadership roles that didn't necessarily focus on those areas.

The second thing I noticed was that I had boxed myself in.

I was searching for jobs that were within a km radius of Burlington, but the roles I was interested in weren't likely to have a home base here.

Every morning I asked myself "what is it that I need to be doing differently to find a role that will match what I'm looking for."

I made two changes.   I changed the title and the radius.   If I wanted a position that carried range, what would happen if I opened up my search to Ontario, instead of limiting it locally to where I was.  Who cares if it was based out of Windsor if the job was mobile.

The second I actually saw "the" posting and researched it, I was pretty certain it was where I was going.  There were too many synchronicities that lined up and seemed to fit, and you know me - I love a good story.

***

I have a picture of the Four Seasons hotel in Bora Bora on my bulletin board in front of where I write.    I also have a picture of the Ritz (confession - somewhere in Mexico, but no clue where).   It has blue umbrellas on the patio and white linen, a two tier spot that overlooks the ocean.  It reminds me of the story I wrote about with the Girl on the Right when I applied for the Cancun job a year and a bit ago.

If I could create my perfect dream job anywhere in the world, I would be a Quality Auditor or Brand Experience director for something to do with luxury travel.  I could write at night and be by the ocean, more than not.

Maybe one day that dream will come true, but to get there requires me to make a shift back to hospitality again and specialize in these areas.

***

My new role focuses on auditing and training.  This is the part I loved most in my last position that had started out in a consulting capacity - to survey the field, find opportunities and help raise the bar.  I have the opportunity to work with someone I know, which always makes the journey more fun.  The home office is based out of a city my former step-daughter goes to school, my two old roommates now both live in, and some wonderful former colleagues reside.

But the coolest part of the entire scope is where it starts.

***

November 17, 2018, I was on week 7 of the Artist's Way book and project I'd taken on.  The chapter refers to being a child and what I missed or lacked.   There are questions I had to answer - "As a kid, I missed the chance to...", "As a kid, I lacked ...", "As a kid, I dreamed of...".  As I filled in the answers of my homework, one by one, I got to "I am sorry I will never again see -"

My answer was "I'm sorry I will never again see Sarnia."

I couldn't really think of one reason why I would ever go back and yet it was my childhood and such a special part of my life.

***

That's where it starts.

The job starts in Sarnia.

I mean, come onnnnnnn.  Even I find this somewhat comical.

I couldn't even write this script myself.

Full circle.

I'm quoting lines from Flashdance and INXS and Whitesnake might not be far behind.

I can run Canatara Park, get fries by the Bluewater Bridge (okay, it might be a bit early for that), walk the school yard at Cathcart (does anyone have a child I can borrow?  I will probably get arrested walking through there without a kid...) and drive down Thurston Drive to see my old home.

(hmmm.... which doesn't look like it's going to be in a Mini anytime soon according to the weather on the 402.  The entire car situation may require some further thought.)

Regardless, I am so excited I cannot wipe the smile off my face.

I'm going home.

Some days, life is pretty freaking awesome, isn't it?

Whatever It Takes

"I do whatever it takes
Cause I love how it feels when I break the chains"
- Imagine Dragons

***

There are two things I love more than just about anything else in this world.

Red wine   (I could get specific)
    +
Food  

If I was left alone on a desert island with a (barrel) of red wine and an Executive Chef, I think I would probably be just fine.

I mean, obviously, it would be difficult but I would try my best.

Just me, food, wine, solitude, waves, the beach, a little hut over the water with that glass bottom so you can see all the little fishies swimming around in bright bold colors.

What a nightmare, right?  

All that ALONE time.

Table side caesar salad, you know the kind where they crack the egg into the bowl and mince up the garlic right beside you?

Guacamole, with fresh jalapenos and chips.  (Not the bull shit kind you get this time of year that are basically green peppers.   The real - can't take my contacts out of my eyes after I've cut one - kind.)  

A nice, cold seafood tower full of oysters, lobster, crab and shrimp with that little pink onion champagne vinaigrette, whatever it's called.

Or a cheese board.   Triple cream brie.   Have you ever had that?   If you're lactose intolerant, I'm terribly sorry because this stuff is to die for.   Even the cashier at the St. Jacob's farmers market said it was equivalent to crack cocaine.   Just sayin'.

I'd make due.   

Just me, the local vineyard and the world's top Chef.

All suffering happily together.

***

I am currently 26 hours without food.

Let's back this up.

My normal rate of consumption is coffee within 4 minutes of waking and breakfast not too far after.   Every 3-4 hours, a snack here or there.   Some veggies and hummus.   Cheese and crackers.  (Latest craze is the sweet potato crackers from Costco.)  Maybe pistachio nuts.  

Okay, okay... sometimes some chips.   

Okay, most nights some chips.   

Okay, damn it, nearly every night some chips.  (Just plain though, nothing fancy.)

Let's be serious.

I'm always thinking about and figuring out my next meal.

To dine out is pure luxury and I enjoy and savor every single last bite of absolutely anything I consume.

(Usually while raving - oh. my. gawd.  this is sooooo amazing - you HAVE to try this!)

So to not eat for me is a BIG deal.

To not eat or drink any wine is completely and utterly ridiculous behavior that I feel deserves one of those disclaimers like a Jackass movie.

"Warning!   Not eating or enjoying daily alcohol consumption can strongly affect your ability to enjoy life. "

(In my humble opinion.)

***

Late Summer, I went to see my Doctor because I had one (tiny) spot on my nose that didn't seem to want to heal.

I basically wanted to go to say I had gone, and for her to miraculously tell me that it was nothing and should go away in time.  Not so much.

Amongst my imperfections, any cut or wound I have heals with a keloid scar.  When she suggested that she just basically burned a hole in my nose and it would fix everything, I wasn't such a keen fan of this option on the off chance that it wouldn't heal properly.

And, as much as I'm all for embracing your imperfections, I don't need to create any new ones.

So I bought some time by attaining a dermatologist appointment early this year and thought I would see what natural options were available for what appears to be Solar Keratosis or Actinic Keratosis (all totally self diagnosed.)

There is not an oil or ointment I have not tried.   I wanted so badly to be able to say - oh yeah, frankincense - man, if you get that, it cures everything.

Notta.

***

Dry January was part because my inside voice knew I needed to smarten up my daily habits and part to reduce any inflammation in my body.

It's fairly common sense to note that its' the first thing to go if you want your body to fight anything. It's disruptive to sleep patterns, heavy pressure on the liver, messes with our digestion, blah blah blah.  

A sad but necessary evil for multiple reasons - January totally just a coincidence on timing.

***

As I was running out of options, short of praying, I started researching fasting.

There is a process called autophagy that takes place roughly after 16 hours of no food, whereby your body starts to kill off dead or damaged cells.

There are some really fascinating studies that have been done on everything from maintaining weight loss to the overall reduction of inflammation, cancer cells, even diabetes.  Something happens when we stop processing food and toxins and allows the self healing mechanism within our own body to kick into high gear.

My curiosity got the best of me, and as a last resort, thought - what if this is what it took?

What if I could actually starve my body into autophagy and generate new cell growth that could fix this before my dermatology appointment?

Burning torch on my nose.
Sacrifice of two of my most favorite things on earth.

Whatever it takes.

It's worth a shot.

Two bulletproof coffees a day for a total of 72 hours fasting.

***

So, here we are.

27 hours into 72.

And sadly, today I watched a great video about the ongoing benefits of Intermittent Fasting which I seriously wish I had watched before I agreed and decided to do this 72 hour charade.

16 hours off, all food consumed within an 8 hour window - sounds much more appealing than LACK OF FOOD.

Anyhow, hindsight is always crystal clear, isn't it?

Just think how easy intermittent fasting will be after I've accomplished this.  

Note to self: further research required before my next adventure.

So, as the clock keeps ticking....

I will think about what tomorrow brings - as I go to sleep tonight counting not sugar-plums, but gnocchi with a nice white wine truffle sauce and a sprig of rosemary on top.

Kryptonite

"I'll keep you by my side with
My superhuman might -
Kryptonite"
- 3 Doors Down

***

Sour keys used to be my kryptonite.

I used to bike down to Blackwell Variety store, on my 10-speed bicycle, and eat as many of those damn sour keys as I could, usually before dinner.

I remember once buying an entire round plastic tin, and they barely lasted a day or two.

Giant sour keys.

I wonder how I ever gave them up.

***

Over time, sour keys morphed into Skor bars, Crunchie bars, Dutch Double black licorice, and Rowntree's fruit gums.

I traded it all in for Coke.   (cans, not lines, to be clear...)

At one point, I was drinking four cans of Coke a day.

Then I swapped it out for coffee and cigarettes and about 20 lbs.

Eventually I dropped the smokes and started drinking wine.

Maybe one glass on Monday's, one or two on Tuesday's and Wednesday's, a few more on Thursday, and capped with a couple double IPA's or a second bottle on the weekend.

***

I'm not addicted though.

Like I'm not pulling open the freezer and taking a swig of vodka for breakfast, or anything, and I would very rarely ever drink before 5 o'clock (wine o'clock) unless it was a real special occasion.

It's habitual.

I'm a habitual drinker.

I'm not gonna lie.  

I like it.

I like the warm and fuzzy glass of red wine that seeps through my veins at the end of the day and makes my whole system go ahhhhhhh, thank you.  That's much better.

I like it a lot.

I like it as much as the sour keys, cans of Coke, Skor bars, double double Tim Horton's coffee (side note: thank god I gave up double, double), and all the rest of my habits I've had and changed into something else.

I like these things as a celebration.  

A reward.   

I'm not a "I had a bad day, I want a glass of wine" drinker.  

I'm a "who hoo, let's have a glass of wine and celebrate" drinker.

And in December, there's a whooooole lotta celebrating going on.

***

Okay, I can't even say that it really has anything to do with December.

It has more to do with zero responsibility.

I've had a whole year (um, and some) to catch up with so many people, and every time I set up a date it starts with "when are you free for a drink?"

And before you know it, the one or two on Tuesday becomes a few more, just for today.

***

I gave up booze for January.

Last year, I lasted exactly 8 days on this resolution, when I convincingly made an argument that I might never again be unemployed without any commitments and schedule, and I should just enjoy a glass of wine and stop torturing myself.

And I sure did.

For the entire rest of the year.

***

So, this is round two.  

(Well, three, because I successfully did this a couple years ago).

The deciding factor was a Christmas lunch date in Toronto.  

I was offered to "park in the driveway" at a girl friend's house, and in that moment, I chose taking the train over driving because I wanted to have celebration drinks for the holidays.  That might seem perfectly reasonable to anyone and actually quite responsible, but to me, that meant not drinking was not an option.

At that exact same moment, I knew my habit was starting to dictate my choices and that meant I need to give myself, literally, a sobering reality check.

January needs to be dry.

***

As with all resolutions (and habits we want to change at any time during the year), it is unlikely that it comes easy, since we are going to war with our part of our brain that runs automatic loops.

My automatic loop goes to Yoga class, comes home and has dinner with a glass of wine.

Auto-pilot.

My conversations flow easier with a glass of Australian Shiraz or a Pacific Coast Cab.  I like smelling the wine and figuring out the 'notes' of each glass.

Now I have to re-program myself back to pre-evening drinking days and create a new plan.

***

I post this, not to share my wine habit, but rather to send a note of encouragement to anyone trying to gain control of any unhealthy habit this month.  

Maybe it's food control, maybe alcohol, maybe it's the annual try at quitting smoking.  Maybe it's even as current a challenge as a Social Media fast.

There are two things I repeat to myself to help me make any adjustment to my routine.

1.  I'm not giving anything up.

Giving something up sends a message to our brain that we are in deprivation.   And that, in itself, will create obsessive tendencies to overthink about whatever it is that we are "giving up" and the resolution is likely to crash and burn at rapid speed, while we become progressively more irritable and angry at the world.

I am trying to make an effort to think "This is my choice.   I'm choosing to gain control of my health." or something similar, because that seems to make the path much more bearable.

Even with technology, "This is my choice.   The newsfeed will never end.   I am choosing to regain control of my time."

Believing that we are gaining, not giving up something, might make all the difference.

2.  "Change is difficult in the beginning, messy in the middle and beautiful at the end." 

I read this quote recently and I love it.  When I catch my mind trying to run it's default program, I keep reciting this to myself.  

This is normal.

We are trying to change a habit, and our brains don't want to work that hard.

***

I'm not planning to give up wine forever.

(All my friends are thinking "thank God")

... but I did need to shake things up and get this back in check.

***

We can make changes in our lives easier or more difficult by the mindset by which we approach them.

All humans have addictive tendencies.  Our brains build habit loops and like to do as little work as possible by re-running the same script over and over again.

That's one of many reasons New Year's Resolutions are traditionally broken within the first two weeks of the year.  

Change is always difficult in the beginning, because we are challenging the default.

But it might also have something to do with feeling we "have to", "should", or "need" to change something, instead of "wanting to", that results in a feeling of hardship, instead of achievement, and eventually demise.

It is easier to resent the difficulty and fall back, rather than to keep going to where the beauty lies.

There is nothing we set out to do that is impossible, if we program our belief system in a way that will interrupt the regular scheduled program and rewrite a new script.

"Believe you can and you are halfway there".
- Theodore Roosevelt