Paper Rings

"I like shiny things, but I'd marry you with paper rings

Uh huh, that's right

Darlin, You're the one I want"

- Taylor Swift

***

I don't usually post cryptic messages on Facebook.  

In fact, it drives me absolutely crazy when I see posts like that because I am an open book.   

I am such an open book that I write about it and share it with everyone else around me, so we can all learn together from my mistakes, successes and heartaches.

It's what I do.

I write.   

I speak.   

I tell stories.

So, it's super weird that I've just done this whole sorta cryptic thing lately because it's totally not me.

The coolest thing ever, though, is that I always underestimate the power of sharing, and the number of people who have reached out to me privately has blown my mind yet again - from friends who I haven't connected with in a really long time to some I don't even know very well.

***

I published my first post in almost nine months on Friday night.   

9 minutes later, I deleted it.

In that 9 minutes, 19 people read what I had to say and I received one private message I will always remember within minutes of it being published.

If you are one of those lucky 19, then you have secretly seen into one of my most personal and painful posts I've ever written - and who knows, maybe one day I will republish it and I will keep it stored away for now, like a Collectors item or something.

The reality is that while it was healing for me to write it, we don't all heal the same way and I needed to be respectful of that so I removed it.

The post was called Death By A Thousand Cuts (sounds like you missed a fun read, doesn't it?) and it began with lyrics by Taylor Swift where she is in such a state over a breakup that she asks the traffic lights if it'll be okay and they reply "I don't know".

I didn't write it for attention, I didn't write it for anyone to take sides, I didn't write it for any other reason than it's all I know in how to process where I'm at in life.

My fingers hit the keys and everything in my mind and heart comes tumbling out onto the pages and sometimes, many times, it resonates with other people too.

***

So this cryptic thing is because I feel somewhat paralyzed.

I've made a choice that was really, really difficult to end my relationship and I'm not really sure how to handle it at this stage in my life.

I feel tremendous guilt and I feel like I can't post anything funny or witty or fun for fear I will be judged as callous and cold and cruel.

I am sensitive to the pain this has caused as we grieve differently through it.    

I have questioned if I should unfriend half my world because what would everyone think to see me living my life?  But maybe it is actually realized that behind every strong post, there are tears and pain being fought in the background, sometimes only moments before.

***

This morning, I received a message, (many of them actually that I have yet to respond to), but one, which is the reason for this post.

The message said this - 

Love your post!

Love your share!

Love your courage! 

This life and this journey is not easy.

I connected to a friends share yesterday and one of the many takeaways is that "the only constant is change".

So important for us to share.

xo

***

What hit me from this is that we easily forget there is so much power in connection and sharing our stories with others.  When we have the courage to express our struggles to those around us, there is a healing surge that comes through from all those we interact with.

So I decided today to share what I felt I could without compromising the privacy of what needs to be kept personal at this time.

Ultimately, only we can choose what we feel is aligned for each stage of our life and sometimes what we choose is not easy or understood.

***

I named this post Paper Rings for a reason.

I received a poem once from a girlfriend of mine when I was in my teens.   For years, I read it everyday in the frame beside my bed.

It claimed that we need rain for rainbows and that behind every failure, there is a potential for triumph just waiting to be brought forth by each of us.

Paper Rings is opposite to Death By A Thousand Cuts and I wanted the tone of this post to be opposite to what I wrote Friday.

It is the catchiest, cheekiest, silliest song by Taylor Swift and if I'm in the worst mood ever, it can cheer me up and make me dance.  (If you do not dance to this song, there is something very, very wrong with you.)  

I have wiped my tears and started dancing, drying my hair to this song in the morning, getting ready for my day.   It is my antidepressant that I sometimes need on repeat.

(Dancing while drying your hair is an artform, by the way, that can only be perfected with practice).

***

We never know what awaits around the corner in this crazy ride of life, although experiencing all the ranges of emotions from love to despair is somewhat inevitable along the way.

We are brought together at baptisms and funerals, weddings and divorce, graduations and job losses.

In times of struggle; the combined strength of friendships, family and community are what help us through.

And sometimes, when in doubt - we can always pour a stiff drink, turn the music up a little louder and dance.