Artificial Harmony

"I'm a barbie girl, in a barbie world.

Life in plastic, isn't it fantastic?"

- Aqua

***

In the spirit of the highly awaited Ryan Gosling Ken doll, I thought Barbie was rather appropriate when talking about perfection.

(Not saying Ryan Gosling is perfection.)

(Although quite likely.)

I have no idea if there is a Ryan Gosling Ken doll coming out.

***

For the first time in a few years, a book captured my attention from cover to cover yesterday. It was a dreamy first day of vacation, where I sat on my balcony listening to the rain fall, continually flipping pages thinking, "after this chapter, I'm going to get up and do something." Of which, the only thing I managed to do yesterday was land in the Epiphany Hotel, as the author fondly refers to it, that I would personally call the Switch I've been looking for.

The book is called "Navigating Shitstorms" and to sum it up in one sentence, she takes a journey from "Victimtown" to "Freedomville" and shares her insights from her own story.

Here's my horrible truth. I really only wanted to read about Freedomville. I didn't think I played the victim that often. (Besides, who wants to go to Victimtown?) In fact, I have spent loads of time taking ownership of things that aren't mine for so long that I almost skipped the whole first half of the book. I just wanted the recipe to happiness, not the ingredients to misery. Isn't that awful? I wonder how many of us just want the short cut.

But I decided to read it all.

What I didn't realize is that there are a whole lot more scenic attractions in Victimville than blaming other people for your issues. Places like the Guilt and Shame cafe (they know my order really well there), the Anger gas station, (most of my journaling from 2022), the Resentment parking lot, (Oh the things I should have said!), and the Control factory. (If only I could go back and do this again for a different outcome). Oh, and I almost forgot! The waiting area in the Sorrow Swampland when you've completely given up all hope. You might hang out there until you head back to one of the other familiar attractions again, or by some grace of God, reach the Meditation Meadow and find the exit out.

It is basically like one huge escape room that you can get trapped in; bouncing around from the Guilt Cafe, refueling at the Anger gas station, sitting cross legged on the parking lot of Resentment, until you Ruminate your way back to the Sorrow Swampland and start the whole process again.

Oh. My. Word.

(Anyone else with me here...?)

Somehow, reading it in this language helped me with the final shift I needed to a different perspective.

I don't want to live in that city anymore.

Period.

So, what does the bridge out look like?

Perhaps part of it is awareness of all the attractions that exist and how enticing they are. (Which doesn't happen if you skip the first half of the book.) Perhaps part of it is wanting a better outcome. Not everyone is ready to change. It is possible to be camped in that town for a really, really long time, not interested in solutions. And maybe part of it is not knowing how or not believing it's possible. So perhaps another element is sheer will and a shift in beliefs.

***

Tony Robbins would say that depression is caused by your "Blueprint" not equaling your "Life Conditions". What that means is that each of us have our own little story in our mind of what "happiness" looks like. Our perfect job, our perfect partner or family, our perfect friends in our perfect city, and our perfect home. When that "blueprint" does not match reality, we derail.

To that, he says we have 3 options.

1. Blame someone else (cruise on back to Victimtown for another puddle jumping event through the attractions there)
2. Change your blueprint or
3. Change your life.

That's it. We are in charge of all of it.

We always have a choice.

When I reflect back on my "blueprint" and outcomes, it is pretty clear to see the patterns that have landed me back in Victimtown on more than one occasion.

Some of them are things like saying yes when I should have said no. Or changing my own behaviour because I didn't like an outcome and wanted the outcome to be different. At times, I have put everyone else ahead of my own wishes. I have also listened or contributed to many conversations about other people that served no purpose of resolution.

Ultimately, this (and lots of other patterns) can potentially be a direct road to Victimtown and a catapault down the self-worth ladder to darkness.

***

Before I left McDonald's corporate team last year, we had a consultant work with us on team building using the principles from "The Five Dysfunctions of a Team". What was most fascinating to me was the session we did on conflict.

We had to rate ourselves on a self-assessment that marked us on a spectrum from "Spirited Debater" to "Calm Debater". I cannot even imagine being a Spirited Debater. I mean, voluntarily walking into conflict? How about ZERO CHANCE. My results came back extreme, running as far away from discomfort as possible.

That session though, challenged my attitude towards conflict.

I have always believed that conflict is bad. "Take the high road and keep the peace."

So that is what I have done. Professionally and personally, I have tried to create peace with a mission to help everyone see each other's viewpoint and find a neutral place where we can all play in the sandbox happily ever after. There is a name for this from our training that day.

Artificial Harmony.

There is also another option and it's called Productive Conflict. Productive conflict is not screaming at the top of your lungs, emotionally unregulated, with the sole intention of having someone hear your side or to be right.

Productive conflict is the choice to work together for a resolution by sharing how you feel with the intention of finding a solution. Productive conflict is not something I have had a whole lot of practice with, but I bet Artificial Harmony lands a whole lot of people into Victimtown.

Just sayin'.

***

I'm sure we all drift in and out of Victimtown at times. Perhaps the only real question we need to ask ourselves is "How long do I want to stay there?"

There was a lot of safety for me to camp out in that place. The devil you know. Ruminating over the past and the feelings that go with it kept me safe from risk or future harm. But hanging out in Victimtown doesn't end well and I do know this. Good health is found in Freedom, not the Resentment parking lot or the Guilt and Shame cafe. It's quite likely also found in speaking up for what you need, saying yes and no appropriately and staying true to who you are, amongst much more.

***

There is a feeling of peace evolving lately that expands every day I wake up. It gets amplified when I'm by the waterfront and see all the sparkles from the sun on the lake, the monarchs that have just begun to hatch or the rare sound of a car on the overpass on a Sunday morning. It is hard to put into words the change in my thoughts and presence from where I began, but I'm so, so grateful to have finally turned the corner.

I am more mindful, and less hyperaware. (It cost me nearly $1500 in therapy to learn that "mindfulness" is not "hyperawareness.")

That was another trip to the Epiphany hotel.

(Hopefully I just saved someone a grand.)

***

Last Summer, I wrote a post called "Bright Spots", that referred to tiny rays of hope during a really dark patch of my life. I titled it because two different people in my life, within a week apart, had both said to me "Sar, you do have some bright spots" and I wanted to acknowledge the progress.

Recently, I got a new weather forecast:

"Mostly sunny with a few clouds."

(Love you Cath. ♥ )

***

I love to imagine what next year will bring.

What does life look like after leaving Victimtown for good?, I wonder.

Tony Robbins has another quote I love.

"What's wrong is always available. So is what's right."

That is now posted on my bulletin board.

I am already brewing up what comes next.

(Next year, I'm totally going to write "Bright Blue Sky").

😎

Click here for resources:

Navigating Shitstorms

Tony Robbins clip

Heroes + Capes

 

"If I was your hero, would you be mine?

I know this isn't a fairytale, this is real life.

But if I were to save you, would you do the same?

And catch me if I'm fallin... fallin.... fallin..."

- Hero, Farouzia

***

I am supposed to be doing schoolwork this morning, but I have this unstoppable feeling to share a story about some students I'm in class with.  All week, I have thought about these remarkable individuals.

I am taking a class called "Trauma-Informed Practice in Adult Education".  It is a special topic summer course, and it has already exceeded my expectations of being brilliant, and it's only week two.  

The class focuses on defining trauma, understanding cognitively what happens to our brains and bodies during traumatic experiences, and how to apply practices in a teaching environment that promote learning, when someone is under a tremendous cognitive load.

Fascinating, right!?   

The first thing I learned is that the definition of trauma is much more expansive than I would have thought.  Trauma is basically our "emotional response" to any experience or event we deem as traumatic or highly toxic.  It can lodge itself in the body and/ or actually cause the brain structure to change.  

Therefore, two people may experience the same event, but one may perceive it traumatic, whilst the other may not.  (COVID is a great example of a collective traumatic experience that impacted many people differently.)

CAMH (The Centre for Addiction and Mental Health) would define trauma as "the challenging emotional consequences that living through a distressing event can have for an individual."

The class began by explaining the cognitive science behind trauma, and the different components to our brain.  

Let's say, in the simplest terms there is, that you have a rational side and an emotional side.  There is evidence that can demonstrate the emotional side of the brain can actually become larger after experiencing a traumatic or heavily toxic experience, and the rational side can shrink.  

I don't know if this is surprising to anyone else, but to me, it became the difference between "I have lost emotional stability" or "my brain has become out of balance and needs healing - this was a lot to process."  Somehow, that scientific understanding helped me "depersonalize" any hypersensitivity and help me make some sort of sense of it.  

I can only ever approach ideas with mental health as it relates to my own experiences, but I wonder how many cases feel "personal", like it's "me" that is the problem.  (No reference to Taylor Swift.)  I bet there is huge value in hearing, "it's not you", and helping people see from an anatomy perspective, instead of an emotional lens.  

There is also science that shows our brains are not static, that they are forever responding to our environments and shifting, creating new pathways or shutting some down.  Which leads me to believe it's possible then, that brain health, like any other ailment, has potential to be healed.  

I love all the possibilities that surface with that idea.

***

So, one of the assignments this week was to create a 3–5-minute presentation on something that you deemed to be very passionate about or consider to be a gift of yours.  We were then put into groups where we all shared with each other.  

Each one of these amazing humans I was with had an unbelievable story to share.  Survival of loss of children, (one lady had lost two children, many years apart), years of physical or sexual abuse, or addressing types of hazing in a particular medical field.  But beyond the trauma that these students had experienced, was how they have managed to turn this around into service to others to help them heal.  It completely blew my mind and left such a warmth in my heart.  

One lady makes gifts for those who are grieving and even has her own website.  One guy has 8 adopted children after losing his own and works in social work, supporting and helping people like himself.  One girl shared that her gift was resilience after years of abuse.   The capes this group wear are truly some of the best our universe has to offer, and I was so humbled and overwhelmed emotionally to spend that time with them.

***

I considered dropping this class a few weeks ago.  I knew I couldn't make the first online meeting because I was at a conference in Chicago, and I confess that I didn't want to lose the 2% from attendance and be starting in the negative.   (Honestly...)  

I also knew that my own physical health has been screaming at me to slow down and unwind, and I wasn't sure if I should take the Summer off and start again in the Fall. 

The course was of such high interest to me though, that I chose to go ahead purely for the benefits of the material and not for the grade.   (Oh, and it hurts to do this, let me tell you.)

(And we all know I am secretly praying to "make up" the 2% and find a way to reach the grade regardless.)

(Okay, not-so-secretly).

Anyways.... 

I never expected the 'gifts' week one provided.  I never expected to feel so much emotion in a tiny room full of strangers I met for the first 3 minutes.  I never expected to feel so humbled or open.  The whole experience was really incredible and such great reinforcement that I made the right choice to continue with the class.

It was also such a great reminder that we all have something to offer, regardless of what our story is or where we come from.  

We all have capes.  

Perhaps it is a closet artist, counsellor, baker, social coordinator, carpenter, coach, locally-inspired chef, healer, or loads of others.

Some of us might have them in the attic in a dusty box, waiting to be discovered and used - and some of us may already be using them, shining brightly.

Wherever they are, I believe when they are used for the greater good, they help light up the world - and that's what these unbelievably brilliant heroes I met this week, that experienced such horrific grief, loss and pain, are doing.   

They are simply glowing.

♥ 

More Like Miley

 "I'm not always right, but still I ain't got time for what went wrong.  Where I end up, I don't really care.  I'm out of my mind, but still I'm holdin' on like a rolling stone - a thousand miles from anywhere."

- Miley.

So, I'm not 'exactly' like Miley.  

I mean, strikingly similar, if I'm hanging from a bar - but it's undoubtedly in running shoes, not stilettos.  

And I'm probably not that chic in my Nikes.  Last week a woman asked me in the elevator how my swim was, and I'd just left the treadmill. 

I picked Miley for this post for a reason, because every single stage of her life she has proudly owned.  The fact that she can write lyrics that she's out of her mind and look like this hanging from the sky, oozes a sense of security so freaking rock solid, that is something to aspire to.  

She has this illusion, "I don't give a sh*t what anyone thinks, I'm going to pose while you judge me any way you wish", while she could truly care less with her shades and bad ass-ishness about her.  

(Bad ass-ishness is definitely a word.)

So here she is on her latest album cover, a long way from a wrecking ball, holdin' on like a cabaret dancer in the sky.  

Bless her.

***

I posted a Kelly Clarkson video the other night.  

I loved the emotional journey of the song.  I love music, and lyrics, and all the feels you can get listening to something really great.  That was literally my intent.  I also know a few people who are at some challenging points in relationships that I thought may resonate with it.  

Interestingly though, it could be perceived that I have posted that because I want to create a voodoo doll of someone who ruined me, so I'm sticking it to them by posting something to state a point. 

I see these things in hindsight, but this is also why every message from me is a full blog post to read.   I feel like I'm permanently trying to ensure I'm understood.  

(I swear I do not own any voodoo dolls, nor wish harm to other humans.)  

Perhaps if I was a little more like Miley, I wouldn't really care what anyone else thought or interpreted about my posts, but so far, that has not been the case.

Social Media has this remarkable way of putting us into fishbowls and snow globes, doesn't it?  I am looking at a snow globe of everyone else's life, while simultaneously feeling like I'm living in a fishbowl that everyone is looking into with my own.  

Perhaps the screenshot I posted with the one line from Miley's song may have been interpreted that I was holding on by a thread and about to write about that.  Or perhaps you saw my excitement that I was writing at all.  The picture didn't give the full context of where I was going and just like many optical illusions, it could be interpreted differently by what you know about me or what you chose to see.  

Which makes me wonder how often we make decisions with all of the information.  How many people in our lives truly have the whole picture to who we are?   

Really, only ourselves.

***

There is still a rather interesting correlation to my current reality though.  

Somehow through a perfect storm of pressures of external circumstances, I seem to have created a disconnect between what comes out of my mouth and what I intended the message to mean.  

I looked this up last night and there is research that shows I am not the only person in this category.  

The stats say that 82% of people do not say what they mean.  

(Bet Miley does though.  She probably belts it out in lyrics, but without voodoo.)

I know from the leadership training I have facilitated, that only 7% of our message comes from the words we say.   Our body language and behaviour speaks far louder than the words we choose.  But needless to say, when we don't say what we want to say and messages are misconstrued, our confidence takes a couple knocks because the outcome generally is the opposite of what the original intent was. 

Then we believe it is "us", when in fact - it is how we are communicating that is the issue.

So... if I don't post anything, I don't need to worry about what anyone else thinks.  If I don't send a message, I don't need to worry about if it will be replied to.  If I start to think something might be ill perceived, I just delete the post and minimize the number of views it has.  

This is a self-destructive cycle that clearly does not solve the problem.  

I am on a mission to do a better job at saying what I mean and see results that match where my intent lies.

***

That's the brutal honesty of what goes on inside my head.  

There is also a whole lot of good stuff that has been happening there these days too though, which is important since I had quite a dark patch where it was a wee bit grim.

I quite like who I am today.  

(Stilettos or not.)

I trust my intuition, decipher my emotions and feel good to make sound decisions that I align to.  I love my job, adore the team of people I work with, raise my hand often for projects and the results from school make me do a double take every semester.  I have a brilliant family and loads of friends, and I've put a lot of time in to reset a foundation that matches my values and who I want to be.

It has taken a damn long time for those words to come out of my mouth. 

I like how I'm showing up.

I'm just still concerned about what everyone else thinks.

Ouch.  

That is the bit.  

This is the switch I need to find.... and I'm so, so close.  

I know it.

This is where Miley hanging from the dang pole has an impact.  

I have spent so many years conforming to what I believe everyone else wants me to be and feeling so shitty for all the areas I fell short or made mistakes, that I need to confidently flip the switch and be okay with just who I am.   

With grace and humility and class, and without a care in the world as to whether someone wants to judge me or not. 

Because I am just as human as anyone else, with all my hits and misses, and I have spent far too many years looking for everyone else's approval, instead of my own. 

***

My final grade for my Winter Adult Ed course was 99.  It wasn't that the teacher was easy, the school isn't hard, I had a halo effect or that the course didn't challenge me.  All responses I have given to downplay that result.  

It was that I worked really, really hard for it and choked up when I saw the final mark come through.  Not for the mark, for the result of doing my best.

I wasn't born fit.  I was pretty unhealthy in high school and a chronic smoker. I drank 4 cans of coke a day and ate ringalos for lunch.  I wasn't exactly a wellness ad.

I train hard now and take proper rest days.  I pour sweat in the gym and I look like I've swam 3 miles when I leave it.  I try and keep an eye on what I eat and when I have chocolate cake and red wine.   (Which lately is more often than I'd like to admit.)

There is a brilliant line in a video I used to show when I worked for Gateway.  It said, "People are rewarded in public for what they practiced for years in private."  Whatever we see on the outside does not show the training plan that was required to achieve it.

My secret superpower is my emotion, and it is the most challenging part of my existence that I am still learning how to harness.  

I get so swept up in the intensity of it all.   The good, the bad and the beautiful.   I love basking in the highs and I dread the days when I'm pulled under.  For most of my life, my emotions have led me like an aggressive dog on a leash taking an owner for a walk - all the while being simultaneously pulled by desperate acceptance of others.  

I am finally at a really cool crossroads where I'm learning how to observe what is happening and use the messages my emotions send me to make better decisions. Not at all to be accepted, but to just be okay for me.

Sometimes I win the battle, sometimes I lose.  

It's all a work in progress.

*** 

I believe that confidence lies in being as true to yourself as possible.  That's what a few artists have got right, Miley included.

A few years ago, I started a list of Guiding Principles that I modify and post above the bulletin board in my office.  

I think about where I'm at today and where I want to be; and trust that if I abide by the guidelines I have set out, that regardless of where I was or what missteps I made - whatever aligns with me now will stick and whatever doesn't is okay to lose.

At the end of the day, the only approval I need is my own.... and that is the challenging shift I'm in the process of making.

💖

2023 Guiding Principles

• Stop to celebrate the wins.
• Live mindfully rich.
• In every situation, we see two possibilities.  There is always a third.  What is the option I can't yet see?
• There is no rush.
• Embrace cycles of rest.
• Kill your darlings.  (This means get rid of what you are holding onto that doesn't serve you anymore).
• Listen to the compass of your heart.
• Remember that everything can change in one split second.
• The purpose of the first draft is to get it written, not get it perfect.
• Pull the string and it will follow you wherever you go.  Push it and it will go nowhere at all.
• Nothing is ever final.  Sometimes we are just setting up for the next shot. 😎  **

p.s. (**Those are Paul Newman glasses if you got the Color of Money reference).

p.p.s. ***If you want to see the tune from Miley ....

Thousand Miles - Miley

  

All I Know So Far

"Haven't always been this way
I wasn't born a renegade
I felt alone, still feel afraid
I stumble through it anyway

I wish someone would have told me that this life is ours to choose
No one's handing you the keys or a book with all the rules
The little that I know I'll tell to you
When they dress you up in lies and you're left naked with the truth

You throw your head back, and you spit in the wind
Let the walls crack, 'cause it lets the light in
Let 'em drag you through hell
They can't tell you to change who you are
That's all I know so far" 

All I Know So Far

- Pink

***

I was asked two questions recently that I have really reflected on.

How long did it take you? 

&

Where do I start?

The truth is I don't think I'm there yet, but today, very randomly, I smiled and thought - Damn, I am in a really good place. 

Today was one of those great days.

One of those days when the sun is shining, my friends are amazing, I'm blessed with my family and my work, my energy is high and I'm somewhat in disbelief at all the dominos finally starting to tumble and knock the next one down so I'm getting a little giggly.

It's bizarre that we can't "see" change as it's occurring.  It feels like day after day there is relentless discipline and effort with an infinity of unknown yielded results.   You see that with weight loss, right?   All of a sudden, someone goes from a size 16 to a 6.   Where the heck were the 14, 12, 10 and 8's??  We see the success, but not the grit and countless hours of decisions along the way and sometimes not even the smaller numbers of the progress with the other dress sizes.

When we imagine how we want to lead our life and then start taking action towards it, we in a sense actually "see" it and therefore start to create it. 

***

"Design Thinking" is my favourite new term on the planet that I like to think I made up, but quite likely did not.  

Ok, I just looked it up and it's very real.  

In fact, it's a "non-linear, iterative process that teams use to understand users, challenge assumptions, redefine problems and create innovative solutions to prototype and testing."

I think that's part Sci, part IT, part Engineering type speak.

You know what Design Thinking is to me?

Create a clear vision of the life you want to live, write all your excuses down on a piece of paper, burn it and make a conscious decision to put actions into place to make your dream come true.  

Period.

Design Thinking by Sarah Lee.

Sorry ISO-peeps.  Mine sounds way more fun.

What is so crazy though is when this whole Design Thinking process in life ACTUALLY STARTS TO HAPPEN.

That is when I get giddy.

(I'm sounding like an Evangelist, I know).

So the answer to how long it takes is "I don't know" .    But there is a different question that I do know the answer to and that's "How long until you start to feel giddy?" - and that's 4 years and 7 months.

In those 4 years and 7 months, I've come a long way from the chain smoking, pot o' coffee drinking, overworked, sedated, sleep deprived cyber-zombie that I once was. 

***

Sometimes as the words fall out of my mouth when I talk about my morning routine, I almost start laughing because I know it sounds completely insane and I honestly cannot believe I wake up at 5am and spend 3 hours BEFORE work to do THINGS.  

But it's happening.   

And I love it.   

I also don't need a medal or acceptance from anyone for making these choices.   

The only voice that matters is my own.

And my internal voice LIKES me.

She is actually pretty cool - I really should have become friends with her quite some time ago.  

I listen to her everyday.   In silence.   For 15 minutes every single morning I listen to hear what she has to say.  Where I might want to rethink things.   Some brilliant progressive idea I just have to email to the Head of HR (ugh - I really wish she'd maybe keep a draft first sometimes).   

(I'm not gonna lie.  Occasionally, I need to polish her up a little.)   

But she ain't all that bad and we have become one hell of a team.

During COVID, my lovely internal voice and I have cemented some habits.

Wake at 5.   Journal.   Meditate for 15 minutes.   Walk for 60 or Run for 30.   Gratitude list, best parts of yesterday and set intentions for today.  Some days I run a practice called 60/10 where I set a timer for 60 minutes and focus on one task I need to get done, followed by a 10 minute break.  Confidence bracelet up next (did I tell you about this already?   If you do not have a confidence bracelet, you are missing out.   I don't care what gender you are.).  Anyways, I put my confidence bracelet of choice on for the day and go to work.

This process is called Habit Stacking.

When you have one habit and you add or stack another on top of it.   Your brain is already on auto-pilot to the first habit, therefore it becomes easier to add the second habit in.

What started off as setting my alarm for 6:45 to write for 15 minutes, now has evolved to 5am and loads of other things that happen all before I turn my computer on in the morning.

Who knew habit stacking was a thing.

I'm a fan.

***

The really fun stuff for me is on a bigger scale.

I dream BIG.

I want to stand on stage to do a TED talk, write a best selling book that can change the future of mental health and give people hope of life beyond depression and anxiety, hold a role in Global Well-Being and have an impact with no limits, and run Personal Leadership retreats to help people embrace their life through a framework of education, motivation and exercises.

To get closer to these goals, I make sure whenever anything is presented to me that I ask myself two questions.  

Does this align with the vision of where I want to go?

Does my intuition agree?

This is where the dominos are starting to tip over and where I got real giddy today as I truly started to feel the progress.

I made up my degree.

I mean, how cool is that?!

I.   MADE.  IT. UP.

That's what Integrated Studies allows you to do.   Where was this killer, kick ass degree when I was hating my existence taking "everything-for-non- whatever it was" students and desperately wanting to take a course I was interested in.  

(Okay, I probably didn't desperately want to take anything if I'm really honest.)

I made up my degree.

Transformational Leadership.

I get to pick all the courses that make sense, that I like and that will gear towards Global Well-Being and Transforming your Life.

THIS IS SO FUN!

Then last week I was asked to be on the Social Committee.

That, in itself, is a rather strategic move on our team's part, since I am pro-remote-work for as long as physically possible.

BUTTTTT.......

When I asked what "pillar" I would be responsible for, the clever leader we have replied "Wellness".

Duh.  

YES.

I have an opportunity to run Wellness Initiatives for McDonald's Canada.

Read that line again.

I mean, come on........ are you shaking your head yet??

THIS IS SO FUN!

I bought a paddleboard.

It fits in my Mini.  It packs up nice and neatly and I ordered a hot pink and orange striped life jacket from some surf shop or another in California and it all fits in my little tiny Mini and me and my lovely internal happy voice go to the beach and paddle.

I LOVE IT.

Oh, and I started a Coaching Group.

IT IS SO FUN.

It's teeny tiny right now, but we meet Saturday mornings and we talk about Self Development and Growth and I mean, who wouldn't want to start their Saturday morning off in August talking about getting better and building a life they love??????

We are all gettin' JUICED and guess what?   I LOVE IT.   It's so fun.

(Oh my God.   Someone is going to comment I'm McLovin' It and please don't.   Just don't do it.)

Things are really freaking cool.

I mean, every day isn't sunshine and roses.

I mean, it never really is, is it?

Pink says it well.   

"I wish someone would've told me this darkness comes and goes"

Do you notice how some people you see go "dark" on social media for a while and then come back stronger than ever?

Life ebbs and flows.

Not all days are pretty.

Last week I put my brand new air pods in the wash.

My Free-on-Points air pods became my "$180" for the second pair, For-The-Love-Of-God-Do-Not-Put-Them-In-The-Laundry air pods.

Hey, you can't win 'em all.

But if I can look in the mirror and the girl staring back at me is awesome and fully aligned with her values, goals and principles, is fit, lean and strong, sleeps well, rises early and is making strides towards her dreams at 47 years old - then I get a little giddy with disbelief.

We can honestly do anything we put our minds to.

Absolutely-freaking-anything.

And that's all I know so far.

    

Renewed Hope

 "Darkness.  The truest darkness is not the absence of light. It's the conviction that the light will never return.   But the light always returns.   To show us things familiar.   Home, family, and things entirely new, or long overlooked.   It shows us new possibilities and challenges us to pursue them." 

 - Lois Lane, Justice League

***

Not bad, eh?  

Quoting DC comics.

How about the fact that I know Lois Lane is DC comics, and not Marvel?

Oh my God.... what has happened to me?

For someone without a television, I have watched 38 movies since Easter.

Okay, that's not the total truth.

I'm actually not even sure how many movies I have watched, but I'm certain iTunes knows.

I watched all the Star Wars movies, (that hardcore fans will be mortified I watched in chronological order and not release order), plus the bonus extra ones, all the DC movies, a few randoms like the Princess Bride (in hindsight, not a huge fan) and the Notebook (I needed a good cry and a l'il Ryan Gosling) and I'm pret' near done the entire Marvel collection. (Save Captain America, who I dislike.  Sorry Marvel - but what exactly were you thinking?!)

I am now a walking quotation from any one of the above as you will see by the Princess Leia quote at the end of this post.... and perhaps a few others.   

(ACTUALLY, it's not even Princess Leia.   It's GENERAL - that is how much I am into Sci-Fi and Superheroes.  I know the characters changed name references.   Unbelievable.)

Oh, and Avatar.

I mean, wasn't that brilliant?

(It's feelin' a little higher than 38.)

I am an ADDICT.

In typical Sarah fashion, not only did I watch the movies, I took notes on all the themes of good and evil, light and dark, and all the quotes I could get my hands on.

Like Deadpool.

(You have no idea how much it concerns me that there is anything in Deadpool I could actually quote....)

But there is!

One tiny, little part at the wee end of the movie gave me Superhero-hope.

"There are 4 or 5 defining moments.   That's all it takes to be a hero.   Everyone thinks it's a fulltime job but there are only 4 or 5 moments that matter.   Moments when you are offered a choice.  To make a sacrifice, conquer a flaw, save a friend or spare an enemy.   In these moments, everything else falls away."

I won't tell you how it derails from there.   

The point is, even Deadpool, a.k.a. Marvel meets Quintin Tarantino,  had a Superhero moment.

And if you only need 4 or 5, I'm gonna order a cape.

***

It's been a quiet Winter.

The New Age genre would call it "Awakening."

The Self Help junkies would call it "Healing."

I would call it "Re-Programming."

How can I stop one more word from falling out of my mouth that is self sabotaging, depreciating, people pleasing or worrying.

I still slip.

But there is progress.

I can see and feel the shift taking place.

My physical strength has toughened me from the inside out, my meditation practice is rock solid, I can handle feedback without wanting to crawl into a hole and die, and I have journaled every day for over 365 days.  (I call this "data and research" for an undetermined future project.)  

I have nothing left to work through, no more habits left to change (although a couple are in progress) and I am so highly in tune with my energy levels and intuition, I can feel what lifts me and dims me in a nano-second.

***

I had the most fascinating moment a few weeks ago.

I was sitting in my fancy leather reading chair, feet up on a bean bag ottoman, re-reading my journals from 2020 when this whole pandemic began.  

The Christmas lights in the Village Square had just been replaced with patio umbrellas, the trees now in full Spring bloom and the birds were chirping away.

As I looked up from my journal and drifted off into space at how very much changed in the last 12 months, the church bells started to ring outside.   

I don't think I'd ever heard them quite this way before.  

All of a sudden, as clear as day and as loud as a megaphone, came the sound of Halleluiah being played by a saxophone outside my window.

(No, Richard Gere was not also present, holding out roses through a sunroof.)

I looked outside and there were multiple residents of the building behind me who stood on their balconies, leaning over and listening to the sound of music coming the Village Square below. 

It was like the whole downtown core had this split-second, shared moment together.

The entire event was so overwhelming, I had goosebumps all they way down my arms.

Time has passed.  

The Winter darkness has been replaced with lighter days and fresh air and there is a renewed sense of hope lingering in the air as the plan for reopening has finally been released.  

As I scroll through social media, I notice all the selfies with vaccine papers and I feel confident that Spring next year looks different than this one.

***

I open up a blank Powerpoint template and set a timer for 60 minutes.

Focus for 60 minutes and then take a 10 minute break.   

(Love this strategy from Robin Sharma's 5am Club book.)

I start to build the shell of a program I'm hoping to pilot real soon.

I've spent about 13 hours this week on coming up with a theme and name and somehow, right at this very second, it has come to me.

Superhero Kool-Aid.

I think I'm liking this.

Superhero Kool-Aid.

Yes.

• Where are you now?   Where do you want to be?
• What is your belief system?
• What lessons can we learn from Superheroes?
• What is important to you?
• What guides your decisions?
• What holds you back?
• What have you failed to notice?
• Why do you need to rest?
• How do you rise to match the vision you have created?

Whoever would have thought multiple quarantines and lockdowns would have served a purpose.

"Sometimes you can't see what you're learning until you're out the other side." 

(Wonder Woman)

Ugh.

I'm outta control.

I'm totally drinking the Kool-Aid.

***

I have this bad-ass picture I ordered from Etsy online.

It gives me attitude every day I sit down in that reading chair with my morning coffee.

It says "Remember who you wanted to be."

She reminds me to set the timer and get to work.

Like someone said in Man of Steel - (I'm a quoting machine.   I can't even stop.)

"Sometimes you have to take a leap of faith and the trust part comes later."

(I looked it up.   Duh.   It was Superman.  Actually Clark.   Does it matter?   I feel it does.   Then Clark is my final answer Regis.)

So my attitude picture is in charge, mothering me to keep going and keep doing what I love, with the hope to shine some light where it's needed and be the voice someone needs to hear.

I'm not too far away from a "how to make change, self actualization (thank you Maslow for clever terms), make myself happier, be your true self, realign your life" - kinda program and I'm super excited about all the potential it holds.

I even have some brave volunteers who are going to try it out.

Like Lois says, "the light always returns."

We just have to persevere and trust.

And like Leia says, "Hope is like the sun.   If you only believe in it when you see it, you'll never make it through the night." 

Maybe I should start braiding my hair.

 

American Pie

"Now do you believe in Rock and Roll?  
Can music save your mortal soul?
And... can you teach me how to dance real slow?"
- Don McLean

***

It was 1990-something.
Maybe 1991?
I would be guessing, really, on the exact dates.
That was the year we ran the student leadership conference, Embrace '92, in the middle of pretty much freaking nowhere.
Ironically, probably awfully near where I've spent the past few months of my life.

***

I was fearless back then.

I can remember being asked to attend a Student Council conference, but that didn't really mean anything to me at the time.

I packed up my stuff (far less than I travel with these days), and jumped on a GO train to Yorkdale Mall, where I switched onto a yellow school bus and was shipped up north to Lake Couchiching, along with hundreds of others.

"Couch", (Cooch) we called it.

When we arrived, we were segregated into "Girls" cabins and "Boys" cabins, where we spent the next few days of our lives together.

Something seems to happen when the outside world is cut off and you are held in a fishbowl - away from everyone and everything that is of comfort to you.

It is all consuming.

There was a trust and cohesion formed with this team that cannot be forced or explained to anyone from outside; all based from how immersed we were into this program.

The leadership exercises and activities we took part in during that week, developed us as leaders probably well beyond what we ever could expect in all the years that followed.

We ate breakfast together, lunch together, dinner together, talked together, brainstormed together and organized activities together.

That damn bell rang for a meal and we all moved military-style to make our way to the main food hall.

I couldn't tell you what month it was, although I'm sure someone else will remember.

But I do remember American Pie.


***

There was a theme night - I don't remember if there were others, but I think this one was a Country one.

Funny now with how trendy country music is today, but at the time country meant Cowboys and Indians, Dolly Parton and 9-5.

We went through the items we brought and the girls had plaid bandanas and the guys in jeans and belt buckles and off we went to our theme night dance.

I want to say I was in Grade 11, but maybe it was 12.  I suppose the years don't really matter.

I was so seduced by the emotions and energy that Couch offered, I never wanted to leave.

I was riding a high I had never experienced, that was soon to be followed by a crushing energetic hangover when I left.

But at the height of it all, there was unity with music.

***

I suppose there are always defining moments in time when the world melts away and time is frozen.

This one was a DJ cranked with American Pie.

Every single one of us singing in unison all of the ridiculous words to this song, without any understanding at the age we were at, of what the lyrics meant.

"Did you write the book of love and do you have faith in God above?"

I can see me now in that room.

Laughing, belting out the words, all of the beautiful souls I was so blessed to spend time with around me.   Our silly outfits.   A bubble of positive energy and trust.

"So bye, bye Miss American Pie.  Drove my chevy to the levy but the levy was dry.   And good ole' boys were drinking whiskey and rye, singing this will be the day that I die."

***

I cried all the way home.

I cried the next week.

I probably cried the whole week after that.

I attended dozens of conferences and nothing could ever come close to this.

We ran so many successful weekends with cool venues and activities and people in them.

Nothing was Couch.

It never could be.

It was one of the most incredible whirlwinds of my life.

***

I always dreamt that professionally I could reach the same high.

WHY can't I develop this with a team?

Why can't I run trust circles and exercises and form a bond and cohesion that's so strong, it becomes a force to be reckoned with, that everyone wants to be a part of?

It, in theory, should be no different.

***

I truly and honestly did not even see it coming when it did.

I would even go as far as saying I resisted any possibility.

The pain from Couch never really disappeared and I worked through many years with walls of safety built around me to shield from any future grief.

I entered my career with a mindset of achievement, not a mindset of trust, and worked endlessly for new titles and fighting for success.

And after a drastic reset and reflection, I went back into the workforce blind and with all my expectations removed.

I thought I had it all figured out.

Schedules set, barriers up, shields out front.

And then I was completely dragged under by the strongest current I'd felt in twenty years.

When I least expected it, everything I experienced in my teens resurfaced.

Slowly but surely, I became part of a team that is capable of much more together, than alone.

We spend so much time in our work week with people that we did not necessarily choose to spend portions of our life with.… and if we are really lucky in our career, we may stumble across a really great group that makes it all worthwhile.

Where the people on our team raise our own standards and push us to new levels of excellence, where time is lost because we are on the same page, and where work and play becomes blurred lines of reality.

***

"It's your turn."

I really should've picked Shania Twain.

Or American Pie out of sheer respect for what it meant to me.

But at the time of my modern day YouTube karaoke night, I had nothing but smiles and gratitude for my current existence.

"You guys pick".

***

I looked around the room as the songs were picked one by one, with a heart full of thanks that this is my job and these are the people I get to call my team.

When we open brand new Food and Beverage outlets at a casino, there is a team of at least a dozen of us morning and night for two weeks straight, plus some, to train and prepare for the open.

We are vacuum sealed into our objective and the outside world drifts far away during that timeframe as we spend all day working, evening recapping and late nights celebrating.

There are times I live with swings of emotions from the shifts back and forth between being on the road and coming home and trying to adjust quickly from one to the other and hold any semblance of balance.

Many could argue my job is meant for someone single and 25, but I love it - and likewise, the people I work with.

I have found a way to spend my days in a replica of life at Couch.

***

We don't get to dictate our timing.

But funny enough, when we create a vision of what we want and truly trust and believe in the possibilities -
…. life seems to have an awfully funny way of working it all out.