Namaste

Let's start on our backs, lying down, left hand on our belly and right hand on our heart.   Take a deep breath in... and slowly release.   And one more time.

Maybe take that to a 4 count inhale now.   Breathing in slowly.  1-2-3-4.   And exhale for 1-2-3-4   Heartbeat is slowing down now.  Body is connecting with the breath.   Releasing any stressors from your day.   Breathing in.   And breathing out.   The flow of the breath like the waves of the ocean, rolling in and rolling out, letting go of any tension lingering in the body.   Let's stay here for 5 full breaths.

Arms come over your head now as you stretch out and take one last inhale before rolling over onto your right side, ear lying on your right bicep, knees coming in to chest.   From here, let's put the left hand out to stabilize as we bring the body up to a tabletop position.   (all fours).

Relax your spine, spine is long and curved as your turn your gaze upwards and inhale.   As you exhale now, back rounds like an angry cat as your tailbone lengthens and the belly button is drawn with an invisible string towards your spine.   

Lifting the knees off the floor, weight balances now into the heels as we move into our first downward dog.

***

When I tell people I've developed a complete and profound love for the practice of yoga, I generally hear one of two things.

"Yoga is 'too slow' for me - I need a more intense form of fitness".
Or "I'm not stretchy or flexible enough for yoga".

I know these objections very well because I used to use them every time someone asked me if I would go to a yoga class with them.

So I feel a general sense of responsibility to the practice of yoga to share with you some of the things I did not know and have recently learned, in the hopes of inspiring just one person to try it.

1.   You do not need to be stretchy and flexible.
The first and most important thing is that contrary to popular belief, you do NOT need to be built like Gumby or as flexible as a rubber hose.   In fact, those of us who are not probably need it the most.

2.  Yoga is a practice.
It is highly likely that every person in the class is at a completely different level or does one thing more advanced than someone else, who in turn, does another thing more advanced than the first person.  Or maybe not.  It is a "practice" meaning "start where you are" and continue to advance, or don't.   There are no rules on any of the poses that indicate you "have to" look like the person beside you.   There are beginner, intermediate and advanced options throughout the entire class.

3.  Class does not start with the tree pose in the photo at the bottom of this post.
You don't walk into a yoga studio and bust out a tree pose when the class starts.  It is worth noting that there are a series of "prep poses" designed to open up the body and warm up the muscles to prevent injury and prepare for the challenging nature of some arm balances or headstands.

(Ok I just saw you shake your head and think "nope, no arm balances or headstands here.   I'm not reading any more of this".)  

So in response to that, I would say you could practice yoga for the rest of your life and never once do a headstand.   It is "your practice" and there is nothing mandatory about it.   (But it is super fun if you get there.)

4.  There is a specific purpose to the sequence of poses.
"After a well-sequenced yoga class, the physical body should feel expansive and balanced and the student should have more access and a deeper understanding of the inner frame of their body, energetically and even spiritually." - L. Tilch

I originally thought you could pretty much just pick the stuff you wanted to do without any thought that there could be a purpose to the movements chosen.  Apparently that is not the case.

5.  There is not one type of yoga that fits all or exists.  
This is actually the tricky bit and requires some research to find "your practice".   Vinyasa classes are a continual flow of movements whereby restorative yoga classes are 5-6 poses held for long periods of time designed to provide rest and restoration to muscles and connective tissues.   There is gentle yoga for beginners, hot yoga performed in studios that reach 105 degrees (bikram) and Ashtanga that has 6 very specific and strenuous sequences practiced sequentially as progress is made.  It could be a whole post to review each and every type of yoga out there right now and if you google types of yoga - there are loads of links that do a good job of explaining hatha, iyengar and a few more.  There is also a book called "The Science of Yoga" that does a brilliant job of explaining the history and evolution of the many types of practice.

6.  There is a reason you "breathe into the poses".
As you breathe into each pose, with every exhale you relax slightly and create more space, relieving tension in the area you are focused on.  Bodies tighten as they are physically or emotionally taxed or as we age and we have pockets that hold every worry, doubt, anger or fixation.  Breathing is our life force and breathing "into" these areas help to soften and release areas of tension.

7.  Jillian Michaels yoga is not yoga.
I love Jillian Michaels.   I really, truly, adore her.   At one point, I had every fitness DVD she has ever published and I rotated them daily.   She has (or had) two yoga DVD's.   Yoga Meltdown and Yoga Inferno.   They have yoga poses, they are power yoga workouts and they are totally Jillian.  But a true yoga practice connects your mind and body, and most importantly focuses on the power of your breath.  Poses will be held for "5 breaths" not "15 seconds".

It is all about the breath.
Who knew.
Certainly not me as I obsessively worked through those videos**.

(** Please note that in my dear admiration for Jillian this is not at all a fault to her - I just simply have found a completely different and authentic approach to yoga that sadly makes me unable to do one more of her yoga videos).  

(And oh, please don't tell her.)

8.  The purpose of yoga is to prepare the mind and body for stillness and meditation.
In the Western world,  yoga has become viewed as an "exercise" class and while there is no question there is physical benefits to yoga, it is only half the health benefit.   "Savasna" - which is the "corpse pose" at the end of the class has a purpose and that purpose is to allow the body and mind to be completely still.  

9.  Yoga produces a clarity to the mind and calming effect to the body that absolutely no other type of fitness can match.
Regardless of the heart rate, it is a scientific fact that our cortisol levels (our stress hormone), if out of check, can add extra weight to be carried on the body.  Yoga targets the entire human nervous system and calms down the adrenal glands, reducing our cortisol level and keeping the nervous system well oiled.

10.  Not all yoga practitioners are vegans, buddhists or hippies.
Okay, so I don't know many that don't fall into one of these categories but I'm pretty sure they exist.

11.  The healing power to yoga is indisputable for those who carry any type of illness.
Yoga and meditation are scientifically supported as supplemental healing therapy towards multiple sclerosis, migraines, cancer, carpal tunnel and rheumatoid arthritis, amongst many other conditions.

"Women with MS learned about yoga philosophy and practiced restorative yoga for 90 minutes twice a week.   After 8 weeks, they were better able to walk for short distances and stronger fine motor coordination, less pain and fatigue than participants who did not practice.  Migraine sufferers practiced a sequence of poses, breathing exercises, relaxation and meditation for 3 months which resulted in less migraines and reduced heart rate.   Most people with chronic pain experience depression and anxiety as a side effect and yoga targets the mind body connection to prescribe relief to the brain."  _ Yoga Journal, August 22.


12.  The mat matters.
It is easy to slip and get injured in a class that's heated or physical.   The quality and type of yoga mat makes all the difference in the world and is well worth the investment.  

13.  Yoga completely changes your overall body shape.
Yoga balances out the body.  I had no idea the extent of the damage I had done to my hamstrings and back of my body through running and cross fit/ bootcamp type exercise.   I was challenged by my Chiropractor to do 30 days of yoga and give up running for one month to heal a calf injury and give my body a break.  It is completely remarkable the change to my posture, shoulders and lengthening of my body in one month of practicing.

14.  Blocks, straps and bolsters do not make you weak.
Okay, I didn't even know what any of these items were and they sound like they belong in 50 Shades of Grey.  These are items that assist you in maintaining the best form that will give you the most benefit in the pose.  You are not any "less" than anyone else if you use them.   Period.

15.  108 Sun salutations is more painful than running a half marathon or any form of Cross fit.
"According to yogic tradition, there are 108 pithas, or sacred sites, throughout India. And there are also 108 Upanishads and 108 marma points, or sacred places of the body. And, yes, one can offer a yoga mala of 108 Sun Salutations."

There are classes that consist of 108 Sun Salutations and I cannot tell you what they are like because I haven't done one.   What I will tell you is that I did a class that had 54 of them and I couldn't move my upper body for 3 days.   So if you still think yoga is for softies, or "too slow", then I fully challenge you to do 108 Sun Salutations.   (look it up).   I can absolutely guarantee you you would change your tune.

***

As I put my mat over my shoulder, leave my phone on the kitchen counter and head down the street to Seventh Wave Yoga, I am already preparing my mind to unwind.   I open the door and walk up the stairs to a studio that is bright and airy and consumes me with welcoming energy.  

"There is a theory that waves travel in sets and that every 7th wave is the strongest.  The "rogue" wave.  Sailors often feared its strength, surfers embraced it as it would carry them closer to the shore at the end of their day, and musicians sang about it.  (Sting "Love is the Seventh Wave".)

Fact or fiction, Melinda Donahue, who owns Seventh Wave Yoga, believes that life reflects the waves of the ocean.  Sometimes we are lifted and floating high, sometimes we are knocked down by one or a few take us by surprise and pull us under.   As we struggle to regain our balance, we weaken in our body and spirit.   Her studio is built on the foundation of the strength in the 7th wave.   It is a chance  to rebuild, renew or regain your strength both mentally and physically.

Melinda has taught yoga to trauma victims and first responders, helped those with PTSD, taught yoga to Seniors and taught students with brain injuries and severe physical challenges."  

She is a story teller and has my attention from beginning to end through her classes.   Melinda has forever changed my opinion and false beliefs on yoga and has opened both my eyes and heart.  My recent yoga practice has sent me spiraling into reading countless books, magazines and articles on a more holistic approach to living and an ability to surrender to the waves that roll in.  I am forever grateful to the fortunate injury that led me here. 

(https://www.theseventhwave.ca)

There is a traditional salutation or greeting used at the end of class that is designed to remind us "we are all one".  

Imagine a world where we honored the differences in each other instead of spending time judging them.

One universe.
One world.
One sky.

We are all one.

"The divine in me honors the divine in all of you."
- Namaste 💜

The Want - Willingness Gap

I want a Vitamix blender.
I want to make fancy smoothies that are so frothy you cannot possibly tell there is kale and carrots in them.
I have checked every flyer, googled "cheap Vitamix blenders" and checked if there is anywhere that rewards them from one of the zillion points cards I collect.
Nope.
Just like an iPhone, you cannot get one of these blenders unless you pay.
So every morning as I make my Bulletproof coffee, I look at the coffee station and envision my future Vitamix fitting perfectly next to the other appliances.

I want a convertible Mini cooper, 6 speed manual transmission, in metallic grey.
It has off-white leather interior, heated and A/C seats and a back up camera.
(If you have seen me reverse, you will understand why this is essential.)
You know that last parking space at the Mall around Christmas-time where some Einstein has crossed over the lines and it is now a 3/4 parking space?
Yep, me and my Mini - we're fitting into that.
It is ours.
We are owning that 3/4 spot.

I want to go to the Four Seasons in Tahiti.
I want to explore the rainforests in Costa Rica. (preferably without mosquitoes).
I want to drink a nice glass of Chianti on a patio in Italy.
I want to rent a house boat in Amsterdam and experience living on the water, watching all the cyclists at rush hour clog up every intersection.

So I'm not kidding anyone here.
I want lots of things in this lifetime of mine.

It isn't necessarily the material things I chase, but the quality of what those things represent.

The quality of the smooth liquid that comes from the blender my current one cannot produce.   I'm looking for an improvement to the Oster blender that has clumps of protein powder in the bottom of the canister and shows bits of greens that didn't quite make it to a perfect blended state.

(I don't feel like this is an unreasonable request.)

My current car is fabulous.

I drive a 2007 VW EOS that has been paid off for years.   (okay, well maybe two)

It has a 6 disc CD changer that some may call outdated but if you want to hear the Cranberries or any 90's grunge tunes, I have a CD binder in the trunk that might have what you're looking for.   I need to use ear phones to make a phone call because bluetooth was not in existence when the car was built. And if the roof is down I have enough space for the CD binder, 6 bottles of wine (tested multiple times), groceries for dinner and if I'm lucky, a yoga mat.

But a Mini?

Mmmm.

Fast and the Furious.
Charlize Theron.

Zip zip.

2017.
Bluetooth.
XM.

Yes, we can dream.

Tahiti?
Oh, where to start.

The huts over the water.
The glass bottom floor.
The swim up bar.
The turquoise water.

The sound of the waves.
The view of the sunset.
The clarity of the marine life.

Bliss.
Peace.
Tranquility.


What is fascinating though, is that I just can't seem to part with the funds to get these things in my possession. I could technically have all of these items today but I just cannot, for whatever reason,  seem to pull the trigger.

***

I heard the most brilliant analogy recently that has actually helped clarify this entire desire-want-have process for me.

"Your willingness for all of these items isn't strong enough to have them."

What?

My willingness for all of these items isn't strong enough to have them.

Well if that doesn't just make complete logical sense.

How on earth did I not come up with this on my own??

But when someone else states the obvious, it is equivalent to the cold shower you sometimes need to hear the message.

***

In 2014, the Ice Bucket Challenge went completely viral as the support for Lou Gehrig's disease spread throughout the globe.

Remember the ice bucket challenge for ALS?

In that split second that the water hits, there is a rude awakening that I would equate to when I heard this statement.

"Your want-willingness gap hasn't closed".

Duh.
Exactly.

***

My Want-Willingness Gap hasn't closed yet.

This theory can be applied in many different respects.


COST

If I knew I had another pay cheque coming next week, the tangible list I shared might not seem so far fetched.   But somehow, it feels a wee bit irresponsible to fly to Tahiti without knowing where my next source of income is coming from.

Now I'm not gonna lie.
I'm buying the blender.

(I might even have it before I publish this post.)

But Tahiti - it hasn't quite manifested just yet.

But I'm going.

One day.

Hence, the willingness of cost.

TIME

To master a craft, you must be willing to put in the time.

I have said over and over again that I am going to spend the time on the game of golf, yet when it really comes down to it, I'm just not willing to put the time in because I always find something that trumps that choice.

It's pretty much that simple.

FEAR

What we want and what we are prepared to sacrifice to get there isn't always in line.  

Sometimes we carry this vision around until the time when our willingness gap narrows enough that the jump doesn't seem quite as far.

We struggle to maintain jobs and relationships until their expiry dates become so clear we must act.  
We tiptoe lightly into new territory afraid of what it might hold.
We worry about money, hoping we will always have enough of it.

Fear and doubt can be a huge blockage to change and closing the gap.

That quiet little voice starts to get louder.

What if ....

If doesn't work.
I'm not successful.
It isn't any better.
There isn't any more of it.

What if ...

It is exactly what I think.

What if ...

It does work.
I am successful.
It is better.
There is plenty more of it.

What if it's exactly what I'm afraid of?

What would I do if it all fell into place?

We don't really plan for that, do we?
The success?

***

There is an amount of personal power we take back when we ask ourselves where our willingness is relative to how badly we want anything.

I loved this concept the second I heard it.

And now when I think about Tahiti, I smile and think - I'm not willing to part with what it takes to get there, just yet, but I will continue to allow myself to daydream and feel what it would be like to get there - because one day, I'm going.  

One day, the Want-Willingness Gap will close just enough that this doesn't seem so far fetched and I will get on that plane.

                                         

Purpose

"Can a life be shaped without purpose?   Such a life would be either unconscious or shortsighted.   Of course such lives exist.   There are people who totally dedicate themselves to work for it's own sake, to materialism and getting ahead, to saving for the future or protecting the present.  One can't call these meaningless choices, but they fall short of the human's potential to inspire" - Deepak Chopra

***

I mean, don't even try and tell me that this question has not crossed your mind at least once.

You never have thought - "what is my purpose"?

This question became an afternoon discussion at the Personal Leadership Workshop I recently attended and has left a permanent mark on my outlook to life. 

It is remarkable how many assumptions surround the concept of what we believe “purpose” to mean.

Is it - "Why we are here?"

 Or - 
"What I am supposed to be doing."




Do I only have one?


Is it a career?

Do I have to "do" it?


Am I a failure if I don't achieve "it"?

Does it change?

Does it relate to how I best serve others?

Am I lost if I do not have one?

Does everyone even have one to begin with?

Do I even need to know what "it" is?

The dictionary defines purpose as "the reason for which something is done or created or for which something exists" - Synonyms: motive, motivation, cause, reason, justification, intention, objective, goal, target, aspiration.

This is the common viewpoint.

To look at purpose as a "noun".

A "thing" to which we must "seek".

As a verb it symbolizes "one's intention or objective." - to intend, aim, plan, design, resolve, propose, aspire. 

Although a different point of view, it still assumes that purpose is to be found, that it is a fixed statement or something we are searching for.

You could look at the likes of people like Adele and Whitney Houston with the voice of angels or Josh Donaldson's hitting power, Steve Job's creativity or Betty White's talent and you think - theirs is SO obvious.

Man, I wish I had one. 

I wonder if I do have one.  

I wonder if I'm ever going to find it. 

Those other people are SO lucky.

There are also many people who have never really given this much thought.   Either it is a chore to consider that there is meaning to life and a game of daily survival or “ignorance is bliss” and on we go with our merry way daily without ever thinking there is a purpose to our existence.

So here's something I invite you to consider.

What if purpose is an attitude not a mission?

We may all have gifts and talent but what if purpose is a way of ‘being’, not something to be ‘doing’?

Just think about that for a second.

An emotion, not an action.

An approach, not a job.

Not a place we go to, but an energy we bring to everywhere we go and everything we do.

How does that change every single aspect of your life if you were to apply this theory?

***

The artwork (I use this term loosely) on the photo below, was created in an exercise at our workshop symbolizing, what I believe, to be my purpose.  

(Let the record show that my Sister clearly got all the creative genes.)

The picture is shaped like a clock (in case this is not obvious).   

How do I approach my time towards all the facets of my life? 

If purpose is an attitude, how do I want to behave?

I, personally, want to approach every situation with curiosity.

I want to explore and remove the walls of my own perfectionistic tendencies to learn and grow and expand my life experience.

Purpose is not what I do, but how I do it.

I want to feel.

I want to be present and mindful of where I am and where to channel my energy to.

I want to be fully aware of my surroundings and take it all in.

I want to immerse myself deeply into every situation and face my fears, with an understanding that my happiness lies on the other side of what I am most afraid of.

I want to understand that every day I might wake up differently than the day before and that I continue to grow and change and evolve as a human being.

What worked yesterday might not work tomorrow, and that's okay, because I am continually seeking a greater awareness.

I want to take my experiences, convey that emotion and write and share it with others.  

I want to use my gift of expression to inspire people to expand their own awareness, to remove judgment and extend beyond their own boundaries, to experience life to the highest frequency possible.

My Purpose : Live Life in Colour.

Explore.

Immerse.

Experience.

Share.

***

Imagine a world where everyone brings their A-game every day.

A world with a little more time appreciating where you are and a little less time scrolling through where you aren't.

A world where there is no room for negativity and gossip. 

Where the conversation is about celebrating personal growth and creating a vision of what’s next, with less time dedicated to judging and putting others down.

Imagine a world without mediocrity.  

Where everyone shows up and is fully present, driven for self improvement and aiming to be better than yesterday.

Where the speed of the pace leaves room for creativity and innovation, where meditation becomes part of an organization’s core values, where vacations are mandatory for employee wellbeing and company productivity, and where we develop compassion as a core competency as we begin to understand that the most challenging of personalities have something to teach us.

Imagine a world where we embrace fear and vulnerability, knowing that the richest experiences available to us happen once we break through that barrier.

Imagine that it’s possible our purpose to exist in a human life is to fully embrace every situation using all our senses.

To see every detail and appreciate every vivid colour.   

To feel every emotion in its fullest capacity.   

To grieve, to love, to desire, to appreciate, to laugh, to cry.   

To smell the smoke from the campfire, the fresh cut grass on a summer day and the salty air to the lakefront .

To touch the hand of another being and feel love.   

To hear the birds, the joy of music and the lessons as they are unfolding in our minds. 

What a deeply satisfying thought that is to imagine that’s exactly what our life purpose could be meant to be.

And Then What?

I can't see.   

My eyes are wide with fear and I can feel the panic rising as the pounding in my chest gets louder.   I'm squinting but it doesn't help.  I don't know what to do.   I can't even pull over because I don't know where the shoulder is.   It is pitch black and the road is completely covered in snow.  I can't see where the yellow line is and I have no idea if I'm on the road.  I'm just completely dead stopped, terrified of putting my car in the ditch.    My breathing is quiet and shallow and I pray another car is not going to come up behind me.  Fear is consuming me as I edge, inch by inch, forward.  

Just get me home.   
Just get me home.   
Please God, just get me home.

I'm in a semi conscious state now and I'm caught between my dream and reality.   I'm trying to force my eyes open to stop the dream but it's like they are glued shut and I can't open them.   I just keep seeing the snow covered road, a white blanket with no direction of where to go.  My heart is pounding and I can't get out of the dream and I can't see.

I just need to see the road.   
I just need to be able to SEE it.

My eyes finally open and it's 2am.

I drift back off.

I pick up the phone.   I've been expecting the call but there is still disbelief as the phone rings.  I'm blank.   There are no words coming out.   The world is closing in as I can hear the voice on the other end of the phone but I can't speak.   I'm mouthing what I want to say but the volume is off.   I'm tongue tied. Nothing is forming in complete sentences.   I'm screaming inside.   Can't you hear me?   Can't you hear what I'm trying to say??  Please no... don't give up on me!   Just let me speak.  I won't let you down, I promise!!

It's 4:37.   My heart is racing and I hear a sound.

What was that?   
I'm certain I heard something.  
I wait, holding my breath.
Yes, what IS that?   

I get up and walk downstairs.

The ritual begins.

Check every door.
Turn on and off all the lights.

There is nothing here Sarah.
These are normal sounds.
Go back to bed.

My senses are in heightened awareness as I listen.

Start Hail Mary's.   
Repeat until you fall asleep.
There is nothing here Sarah.

It's all in your head.



****

I need to get it together.

I am in limbo and my inability to let go is starting to overflow and leak into my subconscious.   My dreams are vivid and they all are indicating fear of the unknown and failure to trust myself and what comes next. I know better, logically, but uncertainty is lingering below the surface and crying out to me in my sleep.

That is the thing about the human nervous system that is absolutely fascinating.

It is this complex arrangement of nerves and cells that transmits signals throughout our entire body and, in essence, represents our body's command center.  If it is not in order, if one of those circuit breakers is tripped, then it can manifest into a whole host of other issues and result in anxiety, fear, panic and domino into physical and mental health issues.

Our emotions are our energy that moves through our nervous system and allows us to experience the intoxicating high of new love, the crushing grief of a tragic loss and the adoration towards the innocence and wonder of a newborn child.

Yet, isn't it ironic that the one element we possess that differs us from all other life on this planet is the one thing we try to suppress?  We try to find numbing agents to minimize our thoughts, our feelings and our emotions.

What if it is true that we have eternal life?

What if this is one stop along the way and in this stop, we are each gifted with a physical body to house our emotions and energy and experience life through the wonder of our senses.

Wouldn't that mean the whole point of our existence in life is to feel?  To learn, to change, to grow and to love as we go through the various peaks and valleys of our time here in this physical dimension we call earth.

When will I stop resisting change and surrender to the reality that there is a purpose to this hiccup in my life and believe I am being shifted for the better?


***
I've finally received the notice that I will be unemployed August 1.

And oh - did I ever try to hang on until the bitter end.   Extending what started as a June 30th deadline to July 31st, completely hostage to my paycheck, not knowing what I wanted to do next and not wanting to let go until I found something new.   I wasn't ready to break ties with relationships that I had built over the past 5 years and I kept hoping all the stars would align and I would find what I was looking for before my work VISA permit ended.

I allowed the fear of living without a paycheck to consume me.  I just kept working more.   7am at my computer.   Jumping at every call.   Completely a slave to the situation I had created over the past two years.

Dreams of panic and unknown taking over my subconscious every time I turned the lights out.

And no matter how hard I worked, no matter how much I hung on, the inevitable still occurred.

And so.
Here I am.

Behind the wheel on the snow covered road.

Now this post isn't at all about looking for empathy for being unemployed.

It's actually completely the opposite.

It's sharing the lesson behind understanding anxiety and embracing the unknown - trusting that the shift is needed, even if in the short term the ground is a little wobbly.

There are two things that have dramatically adjusted my attitude since those dreams in the past 45 days.   Well, 3 if you include yoga, but I think I want to write about that another day.

The first is playing the game "And then what?"

It goes like this.

What is the fear?
I'm afraid I'm going to lose my job.

And then what?

And then what if I can't get another one right away?

I have never taken a summer off.   I could spend August by the water and be a cottage hobo and search for jobs with better scenery.
I could take a course.   I could study things I love because I have the time to.   I could take a yoga and meditation instructors course.  (see, can't help it - new obsession is sneaking in here)
I could see my sisters and my nephew and nieces.
I could write more posts and work on my book.
I could start every morning with a 90 minute walk by the waterfront and meditate by the lake.
I could golf with my Mom or with Lisa.   (maybe)...
I could work on furnishing the outside of the house and on the gardens.
I could sail with my Dad every week without worrying about what time I had to leave work.
I could stay up every night and watch every Jays game.   (ha, just seeing if you were paying attention.   We know this is unlikely until at least September).
I could visit my family in England.

I could actually go anywhere in the entire world.
There are no limits at all about what I could do with unlimited time and nowhere to have to go to.

Mind you the reality is I do not have a red cent of income past July 31st.

What if I run out of money?

I could apply for unemployment insurance.   I've paid into it for 25 years - perhaps I will actually use it.

What if I'm not eligible? (Btw, very strong possibility here based on my current research).

Then I pull the US 401k funds I set aside in the past 5 years.

And then what?

Well, what if no one hires me?

Then I take a year off.

What if I can't pay the mortgage?

Then we sell the house and I have less to clean and look after.

And then what?

As I start playing this game, I realize there is only GOOD things that can come of anything past July 31st.   It's all in the attitude I take towards it.

I can do this.

"And then what" is a brilliant game.

Things never seem quite as scary if I follow this through as far as I can take it with whatever is on my mind.


The second thing that has totally changed my attitude is meditation.   I am ALL IN and I cannot say enough about how this has helped me adjust my outlook in the past few months.  I can't even imagine how much it would have changed my mindset and overall wellbeing if I had embraced it earlier during some of my other tougher times in life.

It is, by far, one of my coolest discoveries in this process.   There are literally thousands of videos on YouTube that support many of the challenges we face.  Embracing fear, releasing stress and anxiety, setting intentions of goals, trusting intuition, attracting abundance in life, weight loss, addiction and increasing energy.   There are 5 minute segments and hour to two hour videos to rest your mind to fall asleep.  It has become the first thing I do every single morning is to find the meditation I feel suits me best for that day, depending on what I need.

One of the sessions I listened to last week really struck me as I experience such uncertainty currently in my life.   It is from Jason Stephenson (who also has a lovely Australian accent - just saying...) and it is about trusting the events in our life are unfolding as they should.  This one paragraph is truly the entire reason for this post.

He states:

There is old celtic legend that says just before each person is born, they are allowed to choose all the hardships they will experience during their lifetime.  In this tradition,  everyone selects the challenges that they will be able to overcome, the situations and conditions that will push them to learn and grow, but that will not defeat them.

Imagine for a minute that this is actually fact.

How much of anxiety is linked to control or fear?

How much differently would your perspective shift knowing there is no question you will conquer adversity and prevail or that you are on the path you chose?

What if the highest order of souls are those who have volunteered to be taken from us before their time to teach lessons in grief and love or those who are homeless and have managed to survive in the streets, enduring the conditions of the elements and lack of nourishment and shelter, to teach us gratitude?

How much could that change our attitude and help better understand and cope with difficulty?

Knowing that our bodies are gifted to us for a reason, to 'house' our experience and bring us through life but that we 'sign up' for what we experience.

Does that help put answers to unexplained grief or unimaginable physical limitations or illness?  

Yes, probably my deepest thoughts put to paper yet but ever since I heard that, I've mentally tested it on all the people I know and the hardships they have endured and it actually helps me bring peace to every situation.

Including my own recent challenge.

Accept that there might be a small possibility that we signed up for the part, didn't write the script and not every experience is within our control.

***

I have a plaque that I bought years ago, that every now and then I need to make the time to re-read because underneath my uncertainty, I really do believe this.

"When you come to the edge of all the light you have ever known and are about to step into the darkness, faith is knowing one of two things will happen - there will be something to stand on or you will be taught how to fly."

Trust that I'm on the road.
Trust that whatever is meant for me is on its way.

Trust in the timing of everything.

Just trust.

                    

The Truth About Sunday

I don't remember much.

I mean, if I close my eyes right now and try to picture it all, there are some vivid flashes, but there are also a lot of blanks.  

There are actual miles I cannot remember.  

I can see the start line.
I can see the sun, just coming up, in front of a sea of runners waiting for their timed corral to be released.
I see the helicopter circling above us and I can feel the goose bumps I get every time a national anthem is sung live.
I can see the military runners who carry a flag for the entire distance.

But generally speaking, I don't remember the crowd.  

I can't think of one outfit or one person who stands out in that two hour time frame that I can clearly envision.

I did, however, see every one of those Mile Markers.  

I made sure after my GPS lady on MapMyRun told me a mile had passed that I double checked and made sure the banner was there and I wasn't too far off.  I focused on the math after each mile, calculating what my best and worst case finish time could be.

I can see the littered Dixie cups at every water station that I skip around so I don't slip on one.

I see Angie and Brenna at mile 7 cheering me on, as I throw my long sleeve shirt at them and keep going for the second half of the race.

And then it all gets kind of hazy.

My legs feel strong.  
Much stronger than last year.  
There is no cramping.
My toes don't even cramp when I get close to the end.
I'm taking deep breaths in and out.
I feel calm.
I am completely in a hypnotic trance.

As I turn the corner passing mile 13 and enter into the stadium towards the finish line, I can see the spectators are a few deep on both sidelines.  I can't see Angie and Brenna.   I'm looking where Angie was last year and I can't see them.   My pace is solid, just humming along at a 9:30 mile, slow and steady, and then I see the finish line.  

As I round the last bend, I start to sprint.  
It still feels surreal that I'm going to beat my goal.

The last probably 60 feet I ran faster than I have since grade school.  
I used every single last second of effort I had on that football field.

They announced that I crossed at 2.05.27
The photos show that it was actually 2.07.27

(let the record state that technically the results are incorrect and I ran 6 minutes faster than last year, not 8.)

I grab a bottle of water and wrap myself in one of those silly tinfoil sheets they hand out at the finish line and start to walk to cool down.

My lungs are on fire.
I can't get enough air.
I'm breathing deeply but there is no air getting in.

I'm flat.
Emotionally, I'm completely flat.
I have NOTHING.

I start to mentally survey my body.

I think I have shin splints.
I'm pretty sure I have blisters.
My clothes are sopping wet.

I can taste the salt from the sweat on my face.

I forgot my medal.

I need more water.

I am now starting to limp.

2.07.27

Wait a minute.  
I should be over the moon.

Why do I not feel anything?

I need an inhaler.
I haven't had sports asthma since I was a child but it's completely flared up right now.
I don't even have an inhaler here.

I'm completely spent and I can't breathe.

I have to get to Angie and Brenna.  
I don't even know where they are.  
It feels like it's too much work to get my phone out of my pocket to text her.  

I screen shot my finish time and post it to Facebook.

I mean, that's what this is all about, right?

I wrote a post on setting goals and I talked every single reader through my training plan.  I told you everything I had done to try and ensure that my run this year was going to be better than the last.  Set out to complete a goal time, created an action plan, and checked everything off the list.  Setting a marvelous example for everyone to goal set and achieve what they set out to do.

So, why do I feel nothing?

I outran every emotion in my soul.

I couldn't think.   

I was numb.

Somehow, unintentionally, I gave up my enjoyment of this run.
I wasn't present for any of it.
I have learned that, for me, the high isn't about running a personal best if it comes at the cost of being completely immersed in the experience.  
I missed the true beauty of all the other runners around me, the spectators in the local community and how it shuts down for this event. 
I pushed my body to it's limit and saw only tunnel vision for the finish line.

I beat my goal but I didn't beat my experience of the year before and I didn't actually become truly present until it was over.

***

I am standing waiting for Angie's husband Mike to run in as the first full marathoners start to make their way to the finish.   

There is a young man who rounds the last corner and his legs buckle.   He grabs on to the railing where the spectators are standing and his legs are like rubber as he tumbles to the ground.   You can see the pain on his face from how little he has to run to cross the finish line.   He forces himself back up and his sheer determination and will allow him to finish just as his legs give way.   He crumbles to the ground and the medics rush out onto the field.
  
My heart swells as I see Mike.

He's hurt.
I can see he's hurting.
He's limping and grabbing onto his calf.

We're screaming from the sidelines.

"Come on Mikey!!!!!   You are almost there!!!!   You can do it!!!!!!"

I wanted to jump over the guard rail and bring him in.   Just let me get in there.   He can put his arm around me and I can walk him to the end.  It was breaking my heart to see him struggle.

"Come on Mikey!!!!!!   You got this.   One more minute!!!!!!"

I am absolutely overcome with emotion as I watch his arms go over his head in celebration as he crosses the line.   

His toes are cramping.
His calf is cramping.
He is dehydrated.

At what cost do we complete this race?

***

It is hours later and I am sitting in a  lawn chair in the driveway with a Bud light (there is nothing wrong with this by the way), a bag of frozen blackberries on my shins, diaper rash cream nursing the welts on the inside of my legs, a blood blister airing out on my left toe and Angie's inhaler beside me so I can breathe.

This is what fit looks like.

This is what achieving goals looks like.

And I actually said to her - "Ang, you should seriously consider running a half marathon."

I mean, how comical is that, really?

Look at the state I was in and I was trying to sell this idea like I was the poster child of running sitting with frozen fruit on my legs.

So if you were to ask me if it was worth it, I'm not sure last Sunday I would have said yes.
I am proud that the efforts and steps I took paid off and I achieved my goal.

But I wouldn't do it again.

I would definitely run again.

Just not like that.

I would still train the way I did but I would make an effort to be much more mindful and soak it all in.

I wouldn't care if I stopped for 8 seconds for a cup of water, instead of running trying to drink it, having it drip all down my shoes.

I would take one extra second to appreciate all of the volunteers who patiently handed out liquids to every runner who needed hydration that hardly got a smile of thanks.

I would slow down when I saw a sign that said "press here for power" and smile and thank them for their support.

I would stop before mile 8 for water.

I would show gratitude to the spectators.

I would wave at the police officers redirecting traffic.

***

I thought the journey with this goal was in the training, and the race itself was the destination.
I was given a good reminder last Sunday.

The destination isn't the race, it's the finish line.

And the journey isn't the training, it's appreciating and taking in every single mile and moment on that 13.1 mile course.

"Joy is found, not in finishing an activity, but in doing it." 
- Greg Anderson