Purpose

"Can a life be shaped without purpose?   Such a life would be either unconscious or shortsighted.   Of course such lives exist.   There are people who totally dedicate themselves to work for it's own sake, to materialism and getting ahead, to saving for the future or protecting the present.  One can't call these meaningless choices, but they fall short of the human's potential to inspire" - Deepak Chopra

***

I mean, don't even try and tell me that this question has not crossed your mind at least once.

You never have thought - "what is my purpose"?

This question became an afternoon discussion at the Personal Leadership Workshop I recently attended and has left a permanent mark on my outlook to life. 

It is remarkable how many assumptions surround the concept of what we believe “purpose” to mean.

Is it - "Why we are here?"

 Or - 
"What I am supposed to be doing."




Do I only have one?


Is it a career?

Do I have to "do" it?


Am I a failure if I don't achieve "it"?

Does it change?

Does it relate to how I best serve others?

Am I lost if I do not have one?

Does everyone even have one to begin with?

Do I even need to know what "it" is?

The dictionary defines purpose as "the reason for which something is done or created or for which something exists" - Synonyms: motive, motivation, cause, reason, justification, intention, objective, goal, target, aspiration.

This is the common viewpoint.

To look at purpose as a "noun".

A "thing" to which we must "seek".

As a verb it symbolizes "one's intention or objective." - to intend, aim, plan, design, resolve, propose, aspire. 

Although a different point of view, it still assumes that purpose is to be found, that it is a fixed statement or something we are searching for.

You could look at the likes of people like Adele and Whitney Houston with the voice of angels or Josh Donaldson's hitting power, Steve Job's creativity or Betty White's talent and you think - theirs is SO obvious.

Man, I wish I had one. 

I wonder if I do have one.  

I wonder if I'm ever going to find it. 

Those other people are SO lucky.

There are also many people who have never really given this much thought.   Either it is a chore to consider that there is meaning to life and a game of daily survival or “ignorance is bliss” and on we go with our merry way daily without ever thinking there is a purpose to our existence.

So here's something I invite you to consider.

What if purpose is an attitude not a mission?

We may all have gifts and talent but what if purpose is a way of ‘being’, not something to be ‘doing’?

Just think about that for a second.

An emotion, not an action.

An approach, not a job.

Not a place we go to, but an energy we bring to everywhere we go and everything we do.

How does that change every single aspect of your life if you were to apply this theory?

***

The artwork (I use this term loosely) on the photo below, was created in an exercise at our workshop symbolizing, what I believe, to be my purpose.  

(Let the record show that my Sister clearly got all the creative genes.)

The picture is shaped like a clock (in case this is not obvious).   

How do I approach my time towards all the facets of my life? 

If purpose is an attitude, how do I want to behave?

I, personally, want to approach every situation with curiosity.

I want to explore and remove the walls of my own perfectionistic tendencies to learn and grow and expand my life experience.

Purpose is not what I do, but how I do it.

I want to feel.

I want to be present and mindful of where I am and where to channel my energy to.

I want to be fully aware of my surroundings and take it all in.

I want to immerse myself deeply into every situation and face my fears, with an understanding that my happiness lies on the other side of what I am most afraid of.

I want to understand that every day I might wake up differently than the day before and that I continue to grow and change and evolve as a human being.

What worked yesterday might not work tomorrow, and that's okay, because I am continually seeking a greater awareness.

I want to take my experiences, convey that emotion and write and share it with others.  

I want to use my gift of expression to inspire people to expand their own awareness, to remove judgment and extend beyond their own boundaries, to experience life to the highest frequency possible.

My Purpose : Live Life in Colour.

Explore.

Immerse.

Experience.

Share.

***

Imagine a world where everyone brings their A-game every day.

A world with a little more time appreciating where you are and a little less time scrolling through where you aren't.

A world where there is no room for negativity and gossip. 

Where the conversation is about celebrating personal growth and creating a vision of what’s next, with less time dedicated to judging and putting others down.

Imagine a world without mediocrity.  

Where everyone shows up and is fully present, driven for self improvement and aiming to be better than yesterday.

Where the speed of the pace leaves room for creativity and innovation, where meditation becomes part of an organization’s core values, where vacations are mandatory for employee wellbeing and company productivity, and where we develop compassion as a core competency as we begin to understand that the most challenging of personalities have something to teach us.

Imagine a world where we embrace fear and vulnerability, knowing that the richest experiences available to us happen once we break through that barrier.

Imagine that it’s possible our purpose to exist in a human life is to fully embrace every situation using all our senses.

To see every detail and appreciate every vivid colour.   

To feel every emotion in its fullest capacity.   

To grieve, to love, to desire, to appreciate, to laugh, to cry.   

To smell the smoke from the campfire, the fresh cut grass on a summer day and the salty air to the lakefront .

To touch the hand of another being and feel love.   

To hear the birds, the joy of music and the lessons as they are unfolding in our minds. 

What a deeply satisfying thought that is to imagine that’s exactly what our life purpose could be meant to be.

And Then What?

I can't see.   

My eyes are wide with fear and I can feel the panic rising as the pounding in my chest gets louder.   I'm squinting but it doesn't help.  I don't know what to do.   I can't even pull over because I don't know where the shoulder is.   It is pitch black and the road is completely covered in snow.  I can't see where the yellow line is and I have no idea if I'm on the road.  I'm just completely dead stopped, terrified of putting my car in the ditch.    My breathing is quiet and shallow and I pray another car is not going to come up behind me.  Fear is consuming me as I edge, inch by inch, forward.  

Just get me home.   
Just get me home.   
Please God, just get me home.

I'm in a semi conscious state now and I'm caught between my dream and reality.   I'm trying to force my eyes open to stop the dream but it's like they are glued shut and I can't open them.   I just keep seeing the snow covered road, a white blanket with no direction of where to go.  My heart is pounding and I can't get out of the dream and I can't see.

I just need to see the road.   
I just need to be able to SEE it.

My eyes finally open and it's 2am.

I drift back off.

I pick up the phone.   I've been expecting the call but there is still disbelief as the phone rings.  I'm blank.   There are no words coming out.   The world is closing in as I can hear the voice on the other end of the phone but I can't speak.   I'm mouthing what I want to say but the volume is off.   I'm tongue tied. Nothing is forming in complete sentences.   I'm screaming inside.   Can't you hear me?   Can't you hear what I'm trying to say??  Please no... don't give up on me!   Just let me speak.  I won't let you down, I promise!!

It's 4:37.   My heart is racing and I hear a sound.

What was that?   
I'm certain I heard something.  
I wait, holding my breath.
Yes, what IS that?   

I get up and walk downstairs.

The ritual begins.

Check every door.
Turn on and off all the lights.

There is nothing here Sarah.
These are normal sounds.
Go back to bed.

My senses are in heightened awareness as I listen.

Start Hail Mary's.   
Repeat until you fall asleep.
There is nothing here Sarah.

It's all in your head.



****

I need to get it together.

I am in limbo and my inability to let go is starting to overflow and leak into my subconscious.   My dreams are vivid and they all are indicating fear of the unknown and failure to trust myself and what comes next. I know better, logically, but uncertainty is lingering below the surface and crying out to me in my sleep.

That is the thing about the human nervous system that is absolutely fascinating.

It is this complex arrangement of nerves and cells that transmits signals throughout our entire body and, in essence, represents our body's command center.  If it is not in order, if one of those circuit breakers is tripped, then it can manifest into a whole host of other issues and result in anxiety, fear, panic and domino into physical and mental health issues.

Our emotions are our energy that moves through our nervous system and allows us to experience the intoxicating high of new love, the crushing grief of a tragic loss and the adoration towards the innocence and wonder of a newborn child.

Yet, isn't it ironic that the one element we possess that differs us from all other life on this planet is the one thing we try to suppress?  We try to find numbing agents to minimize our thoughts, our feelings and our emotions.

What if it is true that we have eternal life?

What if this is one stop along the way and in this stop, we are each gifted with a physical body to house our emotions and energy and experience life through the wonder of our senses.

Wouldn't that mean the whole point of our existence in life is to feel?  To learn, to change, to grow and to love as we go through the various peaks and valleys of our time here in this physical dimension we call earth.

When will I stop resisting change and surrender to the reality that there is a purpose to this hiccup in my life and believe I am being shifted for the better?


***
I've finally received the notice that I will be unemployed August 1.

And oh - did I ever try to hang on until the bitter end.   Extending what started as a June 30th deadline to July 31st, completely hostage to my paycheck, not knowing what I wanted to do next and not wanting to let go until I found something new.   I wasn't ready to break ties with relationships that I had built over the past 5 years and I kept hoping all the stars would align and I would find what I was looking for before my work VISA permit ended.

I allowed the fear of living without a paycheck to consume me.  I just kept working more.   7am at my computer.   Jumping at every call.   Completely a slave to the situation I had created over the past two years.

Dreams of panic and unknown taking over my subconscious every time I turned the lights out.

And no matter how hard I worked, no matter how much I hung on, the inevitable still occurred.

And so.
Here I am.

Behind the wheel on the snow covered road.

Now this post isn't at all about looking for empathy for being unemployed.

It's actually completely the opposite.

It's sharing the lesson behind understanding anxiety and embracing the unknown - trusting that the shift is needed, even if in the short term the ground is a little wobbly.

There are two things that have dramatically adjusted my attitude since those dreams in the past 45 days.   Well, 3 if you include yoga, but I think I want to write about that another day.

The first is playing the game "And then what?"

It goes like this.

What is the fear?
I'm afraid I'm going to lose my job.

And then what?

And then what if I can't get another one right away?

I have never taken a summer off.   I could spend August by the water and be a cottage hobo and search for jobs with better scenery.
I could take a course.   I could study things I love because I have the time to.   I could take a yoga and meditation instructors course.  (see, can't help it - new obsession is sneaking in here)
I could see my sisters and my nephew and nieces.
I could write more posts and work on my book.
I could start every morning with a 90 minute walk by the waterfront and meditate by the lake.
I could golf with my Mom or with Lisa.   (maybe)...
I could work on furnishing the outside of the house and on the gardens.
I could sail with my Dad every week without worrying about what time I had to leave work.
I could stay up every night and watch every Jays game.   (ha, just seeing if you were paying attention.   We know this is unlikely until at least September).
I could visit my family in England.

I could actually go anywhere in the entire world.
There are no limits at all about what I could do with unlimited time and nowhere to have to go to.

Mind you the reality is I do not have a red cent of income past July 31st.

What if I run out of money?

I could apply for unemployment insurance.   I've paid into it for 25 years - perhaps I will actually use it.

What if I'm not eligible? (Btw, very strong possibility here based on my current research).

Then I pull the US 401k funds I set aside in the past 5 years.

And then what?

Well, what if no one hires me?

Then I take a year off.

What if I can't pay the mortgage?

Then we sell the house and I have less to clean and look after.

And then what?

As I start playing this game, I realize there is only GOOD things that can come of anything past July 31st.   It's all in the attitude I take towards it.

I can do this.

"And then what" is a brilliant game.

Things never seem quite as scary if I follow this through as far as I can take it with whatever is on my mind.


The second thing that has totally changed my attitude is meditation.   I am ALL IN and I cannot say enough about how this has helped me adjust my outlook in the past few months.  I can't even imagine how much it would have changed my mindset and overall wellbeing if I had embraced it earlier during some of my other tougher times in life.

It is, by far, one of my coolest discoveries in this process.   There are literally thousands of videos on YouTube that support many of the challenges we face.  Embracing fear, releasing stress and anxiety, setting intentions of goals, trusting intuition, attracting abundance in life, weight loss, addiction and increasing energy.   There are 5 minute segments and hour to two hour videos to rest your mind to fall asleep.  It has become the first thing I do every single morning is to find the meditation I feel suits me best for that day, depending on what I need.

One of the sessions I listened to last week really struck me as I experience such uncertainty currently in my life.   It is from Jason Stephenson (who also has a lovely Australian accent - just saying...) and it is about trusting the events in our life are unfolding as they should.  This one paragraph is truly the entire reason for this post.

He states:

There is old celtic legend that says just before each person is born, they are allowed to choose all the hardships they will experience during their lifetime.  In this tradition,  everyone selects the challenges that they will be able to overcome, the situations and conditions that will push them to learn and grow, but that will not defeat them.

Imagine for a minute that this is actually fact.

How much of anxiety is linked to control or fear?

How much differently would your perspective shift knowing there is no question you will conquer adversity and prevail or that you are on the path you chose?

What if the highest order of souls are those who have volunteered to be taken from us before their time to teach lessons in grief and love or those who are homeless and have managed to survive in the streets, enduring the conditions of the elements and lack of nourishment and shelter, to teach us gratitude?

How much could that change our attitude and help better understand and cope with difficulty?

Knowing that our bodies are gifted to us for a reason, to 'house' our experience and bring us through life but that we 'sign up' for what we experience.

Does that help put answers to unexplained grief or unimaginable physical limitations or illness?  

Yes, probably my deepest thoughts put to paper yet but ever since I heard that, I've mentally tested it on all the people I know and the hardships they have endured and it actually helps me bring peace to every situation.

Including my own recent challenge.

Accept that there might be a small possibility that we signed up for the part, didn't write the script and not every experience is within our control.

***

I have a plaque that I bought years ago, that every now and then I need to make the time to re-read because underneath my uncertainty, I really do believe this.

"When you come to the edge of all the light you have ever known and are about to step into the darkness, faith is knowing one of two things will happen - there will be something to stand on or you will be taught how to fly."

Trust that I'm on the road.
Trust that whatever is meant for me is on its way.

Trust in the timing of everything.

Just trust.

                    

The Truth About Sunday

I don't remember much.

I mean, if I close my eyes right now and try to picture it all, there are some vivid flashes, but there are also a lot of blanks.  

There are actual miles I cannot remember.  

I can see the start line.
I can see the sun, just coming up, in front of a sea of runners waiting for their timed corral to be released.
I see the helicopter circling above us and I can feel the goose bumps I get every time a national anthem is sung live.
I can see the military runners who carry a flag for the entire distance.

But generally speaking, I don't remember the crowd.  

I can't think of one outfit or one person who stands out in that two hour time frame that I can clearly envision.

I did, however, see every one of those Mile Markers.  

I made sure after my GPS lady on MapMyRun told me a mile had passed that I double checked and made sure the banner was there and I wasn't too far off.  I focused on the math after each mile, calculating what my best and worst case finish time could be.

I can see the littered Dixie cups at every water station that I skip around so I don't slip on one.

I see Angie and Brenna at mile 7 cheering me on, as I throw my long sleeve shirt at them and keep going for the second half of the race.

And then it all gets kind of hazy.

My legs feel strong.  
Much stronger than last year.  
There is no cramping.
My toes don't even cramp when I get close to the end.
I'm taking deep breaths in and out.
I feel calm.
I am completely in a hypnotic trance.

As I turn the corner passing mile 13 and enter into the stadium towards the finish line, I can see the spectators are a few deep on both sidelines.  I can't see Angie and Brenna.   I'm looking where Angie was last year and I can't see them.   My pace is solid, just humming along at a 9:30 mile, slow and steady, and then I see the finish line.  

As I round the last bend, I start to sprint.  
It still feels surreal that I'm going to beat my goal.

The last probably 60 feet I ran faster than I have since grade school.  
I used every single last second of effort I had on that football field.

They announced that I crossed at 2.05.27
The photos show that it was actually 2.07.27

(let the record state that technically the results are incorrect and I ran 6 minutes faster than last year, not 8.)

I grab a bottle of water and wrap myself in one of those silly tinfoil sheets they hand out at the finish line and start to walk to cool down.

My lungs are on fire.
I can't get enough air.
I'm breathing deeply but there is no air getting in.

I'm flat.
Emotionally, I'm completely flat.
I have NOTHING.

I start to mentally survey my body.

I think I have shin splints.
I'm pretty sure I have blisters.
My clothes are sopping wet.

I can taste the salt from the sweat on my face.

I forgot my medal.

I need more water.

I am now starting to limp.

2.07.27

Wait a minute.  
I should be over the moon.

Why do I not feel anything?

I need an inhaler.
I haven't had sports asthma since I was a child but it's completely flared up right now.
I don't even have an inhaler here.

I'm completely spent and I can't breathe.

I have to get to Angie and Brenna.  
I don't even know where they are.  
It feels like it's too much work to get my phone out of my pocket to text her.  

I screen shot my finish time and post it to Facebook.

I mean, that's what this is all about, right?

I wrote a post on setting goals and I talked every single reader through my training plan.  I told you everything I had done to try and ensure that my run this year was going to be better than the last.  Set out to complete a goal time, created an action plan, and checked everything off the list.  Setting a marvelous example for everyone to goal set and achieve what they set out to do.

So, why do I feel nothing?

I outran every emotion in my soul.

I couldn't think.   

I was numb.

Somehow, unintentionally, I gave up my enjoyment of this run.
I wasn't present for any of it.
I have learned that, for me, the high isn't about running a personal best if it comes at the cost of being completely immersed in the experience.  
I missed the true beauty of all the other runners around me, the spectators in the local community and how it shuts down for this event. 
I pushed my body to it's limit and saw only tunnel vision for the finish line.

I beat my goal but I didn't beat my experience of the year before and I didn't actually become truly present until it was over.

***

I am standing waiting for Angie's husband Mike to run in as the first full marathoners start to make their way to the finish.   

There is a young man who rounds the last corner and his legs buckle.   He grabs on to the railing where the spectators are standing and his legs are like rubber as he tumbles to the ground.   You can see the pain on his face from how little he has to run to cross the finish line.   He forces himself back up and his sheer determination and will allow him to finish just as his legs give way.   He crumbles to the ground and the medics rush out onto the field.
  
My heart swells as I see Mike.

He's hurt.
I can see he's hurting.
He's limping and grabbing onto his calf.

We're screaming from the sidelines.

"Come on Mikey!!!!!   You are almost there!!!!   You can do it!!!!!!"

I wanted to jump over the guard rail and bring him in.   Just let me get in there.   He can put his arm around me and I can walk him to the end.  It was breaking my heart to see him struggle.

"Come on Mikey!!!!!!   You got this.   One more minute!!!!!!"

I am absolutely overcome with emotion as I watch his arms go over his head in celebration as he crosses the line.   

His toes are cramping.
His calf is cramping.
He is dehydrated.

At what cost do we complete this race?

***

It is hours later and I am sitting in a  lawn chair in the driveway with a Bud light (there is nothing wrong with this by the way), a bag of frozen blackberries on my shins, diaper rash cream nursing the welts on the inside of my legs, a blood blister airing out on my left toe and Angie's inhaler beside me so I can breathe.

This is what fit looks like.

This is what achieving goals looks like.

And I actually said to her - "Ang, you should seriously consider running a half marathon."

I mean, how comical is that, really?

Look at the state I was in and I was trying to sell this idea like I was the poster child of running sitting with frozen fruit on my legs.

So if you were to ask me if it was worth it, I'm not sure last Sunday I would have said yes.
I am proud that the efforts and steps I took paid off and I achieved my goal.

But I wouldn't do it again.

I would definitely run again.

Just not like that.

I would still train the way I did but I would make an effort to be much more mindful and soak it all in.

I wouldn't care if I stopped for 8 seconds for a cup of water, instead of running trying to drink it, having it drip all down my shoes.

I would take one extra second to appreciate all of the volunteers who patiently handed out liquids to every runner who needed hydration that hardly got a smile of thanks.

I would slow down when I saw a sign that said "press here for power" and smile and thank them for their support.

I would stop before mile 8 for water.

I would show gratitude to the spectators.

I would wave at the police officers redirecting traffic.

***

I thought the journey with this goal was in the training, and the race itself was the destination.
I was given a good reminder last Sunday.

The destination isn't the race, it's the finish line.

And the journey isn't the training, it's appreciating and taking in every single mile and moment on that 13.1 mile course.

"Joy is found, not in finishing an activity, but in doing it." 
- Greg Anderson

The Chalkboard

I have a chalk board.

Actually I have two chalk boards.

I should correct myself.
WE have two chalk boards.

Side by side, they are mounted on the wall in my office.

Mine is titled "2017 Goals" and underneath they are listed, one by one, what I want to achieve this year.

They are, of course, in typical HR speak, SMART goals.
Each of them is specific, measurable, attainable, realistic and timely.

Well okay, that's a stretch.

They are timely in the sense that they are to be accomplished in the year 2017.   They are measurable in a 'you did' or 'you did not' accomplish it kind of way.   They are attainable, basically because I believe anything is and they are realistic for the same reason.

So I pretty much wrote some specific things I would like to accomplish and I'm pretending they are SMART goals because as a manager, all of the ones we write are supposed to fit this mold.

So on my chalk board, I have Goals.

On Mal's chalkboard, there are photos stuffed in the bottom of the frame of his kids or his nephew and in silly scribble, it says "Who Bunts?"

That pretty accurately sums us both up.

After a few laughs talking about our differences with this recently and some deep reflection into how goal setting has affected me, I decided to share my thoughts on why I'm so obsessed with it.

There are statistics that show people who write their goals down are 50% more likely to achieve them than people who don't.  And this number increases to 78% when you tell a friend.  Therefore, there is an accountability created by writing and sharing goals that gives a subconscious push and commitment to help shape the outcome and result.

Something changes in our belief system when you commit 'out loud' to something.    The fear gets replaced with a determination not to let others or yourself down.   If we make a goal and say it quietly, no one will know if we don't achieve it.   But when we commit and make a statement, when we say things 'out loud', then we need to action.   We need to be accountable to our voice that has spoken.

Beyond that, there is a psychological element that takes place of increased confidence and self worth upon achieving what you set out to do.  The psychological benefits are the real reward.  It's not the first place ribbon, it's the satisfaction from the journey of the hard work to the pay off of crossing the finish line.

"Our brains have intricate reward and punishment mechanisms in place.   With every achievement along the path towards meeting the goal, our body releases dopamine into our brains, creating a sense  of pleasure.   This chemical mood elevation keeps us focused and motivated.   We physically feel "good" when we're taking steps towards our goals." - The Psychology of Goal Setting

Knowing that it is scientifically proven that there is a huge "rush" when you hit a certain achievement and the statistics of writing goals down on paper, how is it possible that only 3 out of 100 adults write them down?

Without the documentation, goals held in the mind are likely to get jumbled up with the other 1500 thoughts per minute that the average human being experiences.  

So 97 people out of 100 don't write their goals down and expect to achieve them.   That is, if they have any goals created at all.

Now here's another kicker.

40% of people who write goals don't check whether or not they've achieved them.

How on earth could you waste so much time creating and writing goals down if you aren't going to monitor and check if you're on track?

I just cannot comprehend this in my OCD world I live in.

Write goal.
Create action plan.
Follow up and ensure on track.
Modify action plan and create plan B in case things go sideways.
Reach goal.

I just cannot see any other way.

Now perhaps there may be increased stress in my life while I'm focused on the efforts to achieve what I've set out to do.

Maybe those "who bunt" live a carefree, happy existence and let life unfold as it does.
Maybe the neurotransmitters in their brains are wired differently to reach a release of dopamine and get that 'runners high'.

(I am actually being told that Who Bunts actually can represent strength so let the records show....)

But my brain performs best by reaching goals.
That's my dopamine rush.

Well, unless I've jumped out of a plane.

Although I suppose that's still a goal.   

"Sky Dive at 14,000 feet".

Yep, still a goal.

My brain needs constant purpose, evolving as milestones are reached, causing new goals to be set, documented and measured.

And it all begins with the Chalkboard.

The Plan
"If you keep doing what you're doing, you will continue to get the results that you're getting." - Albert Einstein

One of my goals this year is to run the Toledo 1/2 Marathon in less than 2 hours 15 minutes (which was my time in 2016) on April 23, 2017.

(You cannot tighten up a SMART goal more than this by the way).

Action Plan -
Knowing the above, I need a plan to (fingers crossed) achieve a better outcome.

1.   Quit Smoking (forever) - June 24, 2016
I feel like my lungs have a fairly large impact on this goal.

2.   Strength train 2 x's a week at Sports Specific Training, focused on lower body and core strength.
Pretty sure I read in a place or two that runners get imbalances and this is important.

3.  Chiropractic/ Registered Sports Massage
I don't really have a timeline with this but I swear my chiropractor is my witch doctor and if I go more than 4 weeks without seeing her, I'm convinced that anything that is wrong with me wouldn't be if I saw her first.  Every nerve and reaction in the body is counting on the body being in balance and aligned and any failure with this causes a domino effect of issues. 

The sports massage is also so critical as it releases the tension from pounding on the same muscles and movements and should be essential for anyone who has repetitive motions and exerts maximum effort into some type of sport.

4.  Supplements
Truth be told, I have a second witch doctor.  She is a cross between a naturopath, an acupuncturist and practices the science called Bioenergetic Healing. This may sound hokey, but let me tell you I am western-medicine-antidepressant-drug-free for almost 3 years so something about it must work.   

There is something to be said for the natural circadian rhythm of the body and how we clog all those channels up with toxins of daily existence (pesticides, environmental pollution, alcohol, medications, smoking, noise... I could go on and on but I will talk more on holistic health in my book).  

Anyways, this was about supplements.   

And I now swear by Adrenal Support, Vitamin C, a true proper killer multi vitamin and a good probiotic* (*note that if it isn't refrigerated, it is likely useless).  

I feel balanced, grounded and those things I can't help but believe propel you further towards your goal. 

5.   Yoga
Okay so this is a total lie.   I'm starting tomorrow so I'm including it but it's hardly like it's been a life altering addition to achieving a better running result from a consistent effort at this.   So, let's pretend I did this for a year because it looks good to say I did all this fabulous stretching as part of my plan.

So you get the point.

I have listed a set of actions I believe 'ideally' should help me do better in this year's half marathon than last year.

If it doesn't work, I'm not going to run out and buy a pack of DuMaurier Extra Light King Size or stop cross training and supplements.   They seriously have enhanced my life regardless of my running and I'm drinking the koolaid.

There may be in a lesson in the effort, no matter what the finish time is.
Which brings me to Grit.


The Grit

Grit is passion and perseverance for very long-term goals. Grit is having stamina. Grit is sticking with your future, day-in, day-out. Not just for the week, not just for the month, but for years. And working really hard to make that future a reality. Grit is living life like it’s a marathon, not a sprint.

Dr. Angela Lee Duckworth 

I've made a goal, created a plan, written it down and now shared it with everyone I know.

Most importantly though, I've trained hard.
I ran in freezing rain yesterday because the elements don't forgive the training plan.
I have grinded at the gym when I felt like curling up on the couch because it was too cold to go outside.
I have winced from rolling over muscles and trigger points that need release.

I've really put dedication and effort into this goal and been thoughtful in my approach.

I'm not saying I deserve the reward of the reduced time, but I can be satisfied with my efforts.
I haven't 'done the same thing I've been doing and expected a different result'.
It's kind of like a science experiment.
Let's change things up and do the same test and see what happens?

Grit is the art of continuing what you love with minor tweaks every day towards a better result.
1% improvement daily.

No guarantees but good odds that persistent effort results in a 'little bit' better.

The Vision
""If you can imagine it in your mind, you can experience it in your reality".

You will either get this or you won't.

Remember the book "The Secret"?

You either think this is a total marketing gimmick for fools or you genuinely believe in the science of energy, the law of attraction, the law of intent, the law of dharma, the law of possibility, Deepak Chopra, Robin Sharma and all the other literature that falls within this bracket.

This is my latest reading material.

I have just finished a few books that all cater to the concept that we are a tiny dot in this universe made up on energy.  That we are all one.   Our bodies can project an energy frequency that can be felt across the miles and across the country.   And our soul is currently housed in a body that we need to treat well during our short time in this existence.

I'm absolutely not going to turn this spiritual and church-y but I will say - consider the possibility.

What if I close my eyes and envision the finish line at the race?
What if I could see the time?
What if I have made adjustments in my training and I can visualize that I'm doing the right thing for the outcome I desire?

Research from neuroscience suggests that our brains use the neurotransmitter dopamineas an internal guidance system to reach goals. An animal study showed that the dopamine signal in the brain gets stronger as the goal gets closer. It’s sort of a “Marco Polo” effect that influences choices made to direct action toward a goal, and adjusts expectations about how close or far away the goal really is.

This proves that we have an awareness of what is going to happen seconds before it actually does.
That we can actually see 'the finish line' before our foot touches the sensor.

Isn't that wild?

Could a vision board determine your future?
If you view your goals every day, does this assist in creating the reality of reaching them?
Do you visualize success?

What if "The Secret" is real?

Would you buy a Chalk Board?

They say that 92% of people fail to meet their New Years Resolution.
And I say that we are only as limited as the ceiling we set for ourself.

What would you attempt to do if you knew you could not fail?

< 2 hr 15 mins - Toledo - April 23

Infinite Possibilities

I am sitting blissfully on my balcony with my afternoon cup of coffee.  
I can hear the birds singing in the trees, the leaves ruffling around from the wind and there is only the sounds of nature surrounding me as the sun is beating down.  
Complete and utter serenity.  

"Undressed".   

That's the name of the book I'm going to write.   

BOOM.   
Just like that.   

Undressed.

Holy cow, I'm going to write a book.

Am I sure I want to do this?
Yes.   

Yes, I think so.

Wowza.......

And then a moment later, this flood of thoughts with chapter titles - Let's Talk, Perfect Imperfections, Uncomfortably Numb, Reality Bites, Sunshine + Seratonin. All these words just came tumbling into my mind and I ran inside to get a notepad and a pen until all the rush of ideas landed on paper.   

Yep, it's officially happening.   
I'm going to write a book.   

I'm going to release chapters on my blog site and see what happens.
Or I might start a new blog site that is specific to this book so that I can still use this site for random other posts I might want to share.

Yes, I think that's what I'll do.

As you can see, this is in rather preliminary stages and I haven't quite sorted out all the logistics yet.

Maybe I'll get a following of people that want the next chapter and wait for the next post.

Oooh, wouldn't that be cool?

I could send out little teasers like they do when new songs release.   You know - just the hashtags and a sentence or two.   Like the titles I listed.   Only bits and pieces here and there to keep people interested and waiting for more.

Maybe some fabulous publisher will stumble across it on the internet and love the content and want to edit and publish it.  It will become a book on the National Best Seller list and I'll get to travel the world with my ground breaking book based on my own personal experience and be a guest on Ellen.    

(Can't blame my delusional fantasies and dreams - goal setting has never been a challenge for me.)

Well, even if not one person reads it, it's therapeutic for me to write and that's reason enough to keep going so this is happening.

So anyways, the book is going to be my unpolished journey from mental chaos to wellness.   
(Man, I hate that word "journey")

A road map to life without medication.  
(I hate "road map" almost as much)

Releasing the crutch of antidepressants.
(Better - I'm getting there... this will come)

The diagnosis.
The pills.
The side effects.
The recovery**

(**understanding that many people have different opinions, experiences or diagnoses, and that this is isolated to how I was affected.)

This book will explain how I have discovered a way to live life without medication and how I've found balance with practices that aren't so shocking but seem to work.

So I'm flowing with adrenaline now that I have a purpose and I'm really excited about my idea but in order to be able to speak properly and technically about some of these elements, I want to do some more research first.  

I don't want it to be just Sarah Lee's story.   
It has to have some depth beyond my experience.  

I have a few links to review, different websites that I will read, and I've just picked up a book about exercise and it's impact on the brain.

Now about once a year, I read a book that completely challenges my beliefs and everything I think I know about a specific subject. When it comes to exercise and mental disorders, I actually thought I knew plenty.  I've been clinically diagnosed with enough labels that I feel quite an expert in the area of what could go wrong with your brain and what could be prescribed for it.

So here I am, sitting quietly the past few days, turning page after page of the National Best Seller called "Spark" - the Revolutionary New Science of Exercise and the Brain, and I'm telling you, this is 'the' book of the year for me.

Most of us are pretty in tune with the knowledge that exercise makes us feel good.   We are aware that exercise releases our feel good hormones and you feel better after you work out, than before. Scientifically proven and pretty common information to be educated with.

I've also "heard" through the grapevine (or read some article or another) that you "kill" brain cells with alcohol and that "create" new brain cells with exercise and I generally try to create more than I kill.   Pretty good rule of thumb.

What shocked me though, in the research I've been reading today, is that it's physically and scientifically possible for your brain to change.  

Proving that the brain can actually change is the difference between going through "a period of" depression verses being diagnosed with "massive depression" as an actual disorder.  A disorder that you will believe you carry with you as luggage for life.   

There are case studies and all kinds of scientific evidence that your brain can be rewired and changed through exercise.   

I am absolutely fascinated by this knowledge.

I have known for the past few years that, give or take, I'm generally pretty balanced these days.   The occasional, unexpected situation can knock me off my rocker a little, but for the most part, I think I've finally got my act together.

But I thought I had my mind "under control".   
It didn't even occur to me that there is a chance I've "repaired" it.

Imagine for a second that this is true.

There are staggering statistics on the increase in usage of antidepressants compared to 15-20 years ago.

A whopping 86 out of 1,000 people in Canada and 110 people out of 1,000 in the US are taking daily prescribed antidepressants.   Of these numbers, the female users are much higher.   18.6% of women over 60.   22.8% of women between the ages of 40-59 and 15.4% of girls at only 12 years of age!

12.9% of these users have been active on antidepressants for over 10 years.
17% between 5-10 years and 32% between 2-5 years**. 
(**study is 2005-2008 numbers - I'm sure they are much higher stats now)

Yet, in Italy, the Netherlands and France, the numbers in usage is less than half the numbers from North America and hover around 40-50 out of 1,000.

What are these countries doing that we are failing to do in Canada and the US?  
Why is there an epidemic of mental disorders in North America and how can we bring some of these numbers back down?
How does exercise, obesity and the Western diet affect these figures?
Is Europe more cautious in prescribing or is it their overall lifestyle that leads to better wellness?   

What if we have become complacent and dependent on numbing agents and have lost the insight to believe there is a way out?

What if our brain truly has an ability to heal itself and find balance and there is life beyond the drugs?

What if there are people out there who just need to be informed how and inspired to try?

And what if my brain today is perfectly, mentally sound?

Well, now wouldn't that be something.

Rattled

I have a friend who is exceptionally cautious. 

And I say that with love, for she is opposite to me in so many ways, and I admire and learn from her point of view.

I am generally pretty aware of my surroundings but I don't operate with fear or concern for the "bad" people in this world or what "could" happen.  

I go about my days in happiness and harmony, trying to avoid conflict and make peace where I can, hoping to seek out the best in everyone I meet.

A few months after I joined Facebook, I had titled a photo album with the house number and street address of our newly purchased home. I loaded all the photos online because I was so genuinely excited for our new adventure and wanted it to be documented on my timeline.

My lovely friend, so much wiser than I, was quick to send me a message and suggest I rename the album because "you never know what type of people there are in this world".

It had never even crossed my mind that I was giving access to, not only my street and house number, but a full inside view of every room and every exit in our home.

I changed the album name and quickly learned the ropes on privacy settings and how to lock down my account.

So trust me when I say that I give a fair amount of thought into accepting friend requests, due to how open I am with my posts.

Isn't it funny though, how time and experience possess an ability to alter thoughts that we were once so confident of, as we continue stumbling through life.

In November, I posted a blog called "#unfiltered" where I openly made fun of a silly video going around on Facebook of my girlfriends and I singing with spoons to Whitney Houston at 3am.  I said that I was going to continue to live my life in color, without apology, because I wanted everyone who are my "friends" to know who I am today, without the information being modified or deleted.

I have checked in on Facebook to where I've travelled to, posted funny and pretty pictures of things I've seen, and definitely tweeted some sarcastic, motivational or inspirational thoughts, depending on my mood.

In fact, I never really think twice about it. I just go about my day, every now and then seeing something I deem post worthy and keep putting one foot in front of the other, posting away, in ignorant bliss, as I go on my merry way.

This week marked one of my frequent trips to Chicago for work.  I got to the downtown office Monday afternoon and went into autopilot on my routine. I have a system and stopped at each desk for employee hellos as I made my way towards my office to fire up my laptop.   

As it's booting up, I start rifling through the mail that has piled up since my last visit.

Mattingly has shipped a couple pairs of cleats, there are some proxy forms for our 401k company, a couple of pay stubs and the last box has a Disney keychain with no return address.

Wait, what the -?
I pick the package back up and double check. 

No return address. 
No note. 
A tiny keychain inside a shoebox shipped from Amazon.

I pull up the tracking number online and see it was shipped two weeks ago, arriving on January 27th.

Thoughts start running through my mind.

Who on earth would do this?
And why??

Ok ...maybe Mal is sending me clues towards a birthday or Valentine gift.

Not. A. Chance.  
I know this man loves me more than air but he does not have a creative bone in his body and it is quite likely he doesn't even know tomorrow is Valentine's Day at all. 

As much as I would love to believe he has sent me on a cutesy adventure, it is fairly close to impossible.

So I do the brain scan of other possibilities and try to make some sense of the unsenseable. 

I look up the character, the story, try to see if there is some sort of a message - and I come up empty.

(Another example of police work not being my strength)

I stew about this for the afternoon and then decide maybe I'm just not meant to know the answer right now and I need to refocus and move on.

And as I decide that It's time to get my act together and return a couple of calls, a new package arrives to my office.

I open it and it has a second Disney toy in it.

No return address.
No note.
Shipped two weeks after the first one.

Ok - now you got me. 
Now I'm a wee bit rattled.

I bring my thoughts back to Mal.

Could it be?

I did say I wanted to run the half marathon at Disney because I have no kids and it's the only way I'd get to see it.

Maybe.....

No.

There is no chance at all he would do this. 

Okay, what are the similarities here?
What are the stories?

Is there anything in these stories that is hate related that someone is trying to get at?
Do I know anyone who would stoop to something like this to throw me off guard?

Disney though...?
Um no - probably some voodoo doll, but not Disney.

Anyone acting strange to me or overly friendly or weird?

No.
No.
No.

Thank you Amazon for successfully messing with me two days in a row.
Now I'm left with a dilemma.

If I tell Mal and it's not him, he will worry.
If I don't tell Mal and it is him, he will worry that there are other things I'm not truthful about.

This is definitely not a win-win situation.

So I ask him really nicely - "um, ship any random packages to me in Chicago, by chance?"
Then again, later in the day "are you sure you haven't shipped anything to me here?"
Then, one more time for good measure "you aren't sending me Disney toys from Amazon, are you?"

I even went as far as to say "did you upgrade our Amazon account to Prime?" to see if I could be sneaky and get him to slip up.

None of the above.

For the first time in as long as I can remember, I felt a bit unsteady and questioned my safety.

Walking to my hotel after work, I wondered if anyone knew where I was staying.

Have I posted any photos that could lead someone to figure out where I was?

And I thought of my friend who is so much wiser and more conservative than me and shook my head at all the information I so freely give away on Facebook with my whereabouts and interests.

This afternoon, I talked to a colleague of mine who almost has me convinced that it's a random marketing ploy from Amazon and my name just happens to be listed as the main contact for TGI.

Maybe (and hopefully) that's true.

Maybe it is someone close to me with a clever mystery gift idea that has not been answered yet.

Maybe it is Mal and he has bought me tickets for my birthday to Run Disney in the Fall and I have horribly underestimated him.

Maybe it was an error in kitting and fulfillment from the Amazon warehouse.

And maybe.. I should just stop worrying about it or trying to make sense of it and put my thoughts back into what I can control.

But one thing is for sure.

It has made me rethink about how "unfiltered" I live and how easily I could be tracked by the things I've chosen to share.

And whether it's an error from Amazon or I'm an intended target, it's a really good lesson in awareness and a good reminder that there are risks in who we friend and how easily we could be found by what we post.

"I'm traveling to Florida" can translate to "I'm not home - you could break into my house"

"I work for TGI in Chicago" says "I've given you an address I can receive packages at".

"I'm checked into Fionn McCool's pub" could mean "not only am I telling someone where to find me, there is a chance I've had a drink or two and my judgement is also off".

***

I'm not going to tell you I won't check in anywhere else or post anything with a location because I am sure I will.

But I will tell you this.
It got my attention this week and sobered up my giddy posting.

And it has prompted an awful lot of reflection and thought into the risk level of what I chose to post, or not to post, moving forward .....

- especially since I've been writing and sharing my life as an open book.