Turbulence

 

"When it hits, don't forget -

As scary as it gets, it's just turbulence."

- Pink

***

I was traveling to Phoenix for a training class and the Captain came on the loudspeaker. "This is not going to be a smooth ride. We are expecting turbulence to start about an hour and a half in and last until we have grounded in Phoenix."

Well then.

Buckle up.

I had almost forgotten all about his message when the plane started to get a little shakey. And then a LOT. The pilot came back on the speaker, "As I mentioned when we left tonight, we are in for a bit of a bumpy ride. I just want to remind everyone that turbulence is completely normal and there is nothing to worry about. We've got you."

***

Why are we all here?

Have you ever asked yourself that?

What on earth are we all doing here in this crazy little thing called life?

We each may have a really different answer to that question, but here is mine.

We are here to experience life.

Through activating our senses, the experience of life is found. We can touch, smell, hear, feel, taste and see all the beauty around us, and all the ugly.

So, if that's the case, then perhaps our feelings and emotions are a little bit like turbulence on a plane.

They are waves of intensity that arrive at different times, asking us to listen and giving us clues and messages. They say things like "I don't like this", "I want more of this", and we are brought to higher high's with the good ones and lower low's with the waves we dislike.

And our bodies keep score of it all.

I wonder where we learned that only good emotion matters and that we should all strive for "happiness"?

I read something recently that was so awesome. It said, "Happiness is the quiet space in between lessons."

Perhaps it isn't a finish line, a goal or a target we must aim for, but more of a rest and reset before the next wave of turbulence arrives. How much could that change our perspective on waking up each day and making the choices that we make?

What if we didn't label things as "good" or "bad", but rather noticed how we felt and adjusted accordingly?

What if we use our emotion as a human power?

***

I was pretty floored Friday to receive an honour for my efforts at school. I knew if I didn't post it at the very second, that I likely would never capture the emotion of how I felt. That high lasted about 35 seconds, before I had to switch gears because I had a new class I had to write two PowerPoints for by Tuesday, and a summary on the impact of trauma on our emotions and our brains.

(I have a wee bit to learn on celebrating the wins...)

This weekend though, I've spent a lot of time reflecting on this accomplishment. There is a guy called Martin Seligman, who is the father of Positive Psychology, who states that accomplishment is one of several factors that leads to happiness.

Does the accomplishment itself make me "happier" or what it stands for to me, because the joy is generally found in the act of doing.

I don't believe my excitement had anything to do with "being on the list". My excitement was that I had literally transformed a story in my life from failing to excelling. I had learned the lesson and changed a result. It was thinking about how much I have loved school and more so, what I have learned and taken away and how I have become a better facilitator and leader from it.

***

The past few years, I have openly owned up to being horribly stuck in bad air. I have literally prayed to find the switch to put my sanity back together and allow my mind to feel free.

Two weeks ago, I found it - after spending an entire day in the Emergency room at Joseph Brant hospital. I had lost vision at my computer, went into hot sweats, heart pounding, face numb and had no feeling from my elbows to my fingers.

I seriously thought I was having a stroke.

Sitting in emerg, I realized that I didn't want to tell anyone where I was because so many people had told me I was working too hard. I was angry I was there, I was angry at my workload, I was angry that I haven't taken a holiday since the Dominican last year, and I was angry that my life didn't look exactly the way I wanted it to look and I was pissed right off to be "wasting time" in the hospital.

And I also knew that there was only one person in the whole entire world who could fix this.

Me.

My CT came back "excellent", and the ER doctor said they had never seen a report with "smooth" listed for my wonderful brain.

My follow up the week after resulted in "do more of the things you love and less of the things you don't".

I am lucky.

I listened to the wakeup call and in typical Sarah response, I booked EVERYTHING.

I went to chiro, massage therapy, sound therapy, aromatherapy, psychotherapy. There is no end to the self-care appointments that I booked. I took a 4-day weekend immediately and dropped to one class for school and took one class of my professional plate that I was teaching too.

I did all the things.

And I did them fast.

My health instantly became my ability to say no and all of a sudden, this magic switch flipped from hypersensitivity to balanced thinking.

I stepped back to look at my habits from a 30,000 foot lens to decide what else I could do differently.

The number one thing I found was my mindset. I'm not sure where I have adapted this "I have to take on more, do more, give more, be more, more, more and more" attitude, that never seems to be enough. Or that I miraculously require everyone to like me at all given times and shift my behaviour or actions to get that result. Or that anyone else's comments, good or bad, should dictate how I feel.

I had lost all "agency" to steer my life based on what I wanted to do.

If I operate from a place where I take on only what I feel comfortable with, if I say no when something doesn't feel right and yes when it does, and if I lean into the people who bring me higher and do all things with the pure love and presence of being in that moment - then I can handle the turbulence differently.

I can use the messages as a compass and know that if I hold on and pay attention, cleaner air is just around the corner.

Mark my words.

I will never go back to that place again.

That place of suffering and low self-worth and self-sabotage.

That chapter is closed.

I can listen to the messages, choose accordingly, and know that turbulence is completely normal.

And wow, just wow, does it ever feel good to breathe again.

Bright Spots

 

"Oh-oh, all the lights are shining so brightly everywhere (so brightly, baby)

And the sound of children's laughter fills the air (oh, oh, yeah)

And everyone is singing (oh, yeah)"

- All I Want For Christmas, (Mariah Carey)

Bright spots look so different to everyone.

To me, a bright spot is the reflection of the sun on the telephone wires that I can see from my balcony in late summer; a kaleidoscope of colour that shows just for a fleeting moment as the sun is starting to set. The glimmer on the lake as the morning sun sparkles or the sound of my paddle slicing through the water at dawn. Bright spots are the snuggles from my neices and nephew, where every ounce of love is felt through their innocence and admiration. A bright spot is drinking Veuve champagne in a blow-up swimming pool. Ripping the tags off an expensive pair of jeans. Bright spots are Kip Moore and the Duke from Bridgerton. (You are seriously missing out if you do not know these references.) The discovery of a new smokey Niagara cab, a dining experience that's near perfection and the smell of fresh ground coffee in the morning. Bright spots are the feeling after a long run, the warmth of friends and family and bright spots are what I feel when I close my eyes and dream of what is next.

Bright spots give hope. And the more I count them, the more they appear. Like fireflies dancing under a streetlight on an August night, or the sensation of the plane landing on the runway of new terrain.

2022 has been like slowly falling in love with life all over again.

In fact, I have been listening to Christmas music, which I'm fairly certain I haven't enjoyed since my sister Emma and I used to sing Rockin Around The Christmas Tree when I was about ten. But all of a sudden, I'm listening to the Queen of Christmas herself (I mean... really? The Queen of Christmas? Who gets to crown herself that?!) and belting out lyrics at rather inopportune moments in time. I've even googled Bieber. How this happened I'm not even sure, but as I sit here on a Friday night smiling and writing for the first time in months, Mistletoe is playing beside me.

So, here we are. Lover of Christmas, Lover of Life. Lover of School (what?) and Lover of Netflix. (Again, not sure how this happened.)

Speaking of Netflix, I have watched so many romantic comedies that I should be working for Hallmark. If you need any recommendations, (assuming I can even remember them), I would be happy to share. Let me ruin this for you. They all follow the same plot. Boy and girl either a) accidentally meet each other, b) have known each other their whole life or c) hate each other. Regardless of what hot mess of emotions occurs between the first five minutes and the last five, they all end the same way. I now scroll through the movies and think "nope, seen it." "nope, looks so cliche" or "nope, I've seen this same plot with better actors". I'm fairly certain I've worn out this genre. And Nicholas Sparks. I mean, I can't even. Who wants to cry that much?!

Superheros. Check. All of Marvel, Star Wars and DC. Complete.

Romantic Comedy. Romantic Drama. Bridgerton. (Twice. I've watched this twice.) Emily in Paris (yes, bring on Season 3).

I think I've watched enough streaming the past twelve months that I've made up for the past ten years of my life. But it is during this mindless exercise that I brew up new ideas and figure out what I want to do next. I think they call these very important periods of rest in your life "critical for success". So something good should be coming in 2023. I can feel it.

Speaking of New Year's and New Year's Resolutions, this is my favourite time of year. It is the time to look back and reflect on what was, what is and where I want to go. And there are two moments in 2022 that were my favourite.

In April, I took my first trip alone in years. I'm not going to lie. I wasn't exactly at my best when I left. I had overcommitted myself last Winter with school, it was a pretty heavy period emotionally, and I was fried. But I saw myself slowly come back to life though during the week. I took a photo every day at dinner and I saw the lines fade on my face and start to soften. (No, I did not post any selfies.) The last night I was there, I went to a fancy restaurant at the resort. I was dressed up in high heels and a sundress, my hair blonde and skin all kissed from the sun. I knew all the staff and said hello to everyone as I walked in and took my seat "saved specially for me" by the window.

There was a family of ten sitting a table over from me. I had no phone, no distractions. I was looking around the restaurant, smiling. The waiter was 10/10 that was serving me and remembered my order from a few nights before. (I couldn't decide what I wanted so he offered to split multiple dishes for me so I could try them all. A+ move on his part.) I was relaxed and looking out at this Buddha statue in the garden.

(Of course I was. I swear this is all true).

A girl about sixteen stood up from the table beside me. She said, "Excuse me, but are you alone?" I remember being so surprised and I smiled at her. "Yes, I am." I said to her. She turned to her Mother and she said,"I want to be just like her when I grow up."

It wasn't the compliment or comment itself that struck me. It was that we are always in a position of impact. We could be anywhere in the world at any given moment in time, and someone is paying attention to something that we don't think twice about. It reminded me of a plaque I have hanging on my wall. It says "Remember who you wanted to be". My heart melted from this girl. Not that she wanted to be alone when she was older, but that I had created an impact to her that travelling alone was completely okay.

The second moment was one that someone else gave to me.

It has been more difficult than I'd like to admit to re-find my independence and confidence the past few years. I would go as far as saying I've been on a scavenger hunt for quite some time to try and find out what dark corner I had hidden these fabulous qualities of mine. So much change has happened professionally and personally that I just didn't think I had it in me to find my place again.

We had a BBQ at the building I live in in September and I couldn't bring myself to go. I didn't want to be that person again who had to find a group of people to become part of. So I stayed home. I didn't go because I just couldn't face starting over one more time. I didn't want to feel like I needed to fit in and I didn't want anyone to have to look after me. I was just done.

The following month, I went home to the UK for the first time in almost ten years. I was telling my Aunt this same story and her words rung in my mind for days.

"Sarah, maybe you don't need to find your place. Maybe you need to make it."

Ugh. Well put.

So, here we go. I'm running a New Year's Eve party for the building. I have absolutely no idea how many people will show. I don't even know if I will ever do it again. But I know how to come up with creative ideas that make an event different from anything else you can find. I love drumming up something unique that will create a memory. And if I can find one person who lives in my building who didn't feel comfortable signing up because they weren't sure they could find their place - perhaps I could be that person for them. That person to help them feel safe and part of a community they belong in.

If I'm lucky, if I'm really lucky - I'm hoping I can bring people together and create something special they remember for years to come.

Maybe my Auntie Y is spot on. Maybe I don't need to find my place, maybe I do need to make it. And who knows - perhaps it will be the brightest spot of 2022.

The gold star even, like the top of the Queen of Christmas's Christmas tree.

"And everyone is singing, (oh yeah), I hear those sleigh bells ringing (oh) ......"

After all, when it comes to New Year's Eve - there's truly no place like home.

❤