High Tide

There is something about the ocean that washes everything away.

Watching the sunlight dance on the water as the waves roll in one by one. 

Each breaking, symbolic of troubles floating away, as they crash against the shore.

I belong near the water.

I believe in the power of nature and all of its healing properties and there is nothing quite like the beach to soothe my overactive mind.

I want to live by the water, walk the length of the beach in the morning, swim it in the afternoon and sail on it at sunset.

Even with all my love for it though, I have a strong awareness that nature is not always friendly. 

The tide comes in everyday.  Some waves are bigger than others and the intensity to the ocean is as far as you are willing to venture to beneath the surface of what's presented.

I'm wise enough to know that I could be standing with one toe in the water and when I least expect it, the undertow in the current can catch me off guard and suck me in to a point where I'm left gasping for air.

                                          *******

I had a white water rafting work trip once on the Ottawa River. 

The only rule was that if the raft tipped, you must hold onto the paddle.  

Or was it the boat?  

Maybe that was the problem was that I didn't hear the instructions. 

Somehow I was the only person left with the boat but I will remember that 30 seconds for the rest of my life. 

The temperature of the water was freezing and the pace of movement was too fast.  

The largest rapid was called the Greyhound Bus Eater because it had the depth that could swallow a Greyhound bus.

I knew we were going over.

There are times in your life, I believe, you can envision before they happen and this one was clear as day. That Buseater rapid was flipping our raft without question.

And in one split second, I felt the rush of cold water and the speed of being pulled by the current and held under water.

I remember telling myself not to panic.

That I've been in the water since I was a child. 

I have clung to a capsized sailboat, being pulled down the channel under the Bluewater Bridge, exhausted from the number of times we have tried to right the boat. 

I have seen the skies turn dark quickly when I've been windsurfing too far away from the shore.  A gust of wind so strong that it has literally knocked me over without warning. My depletion of strength wearing on me as I continually haul myself back up onto the board, over and over again, to try and get myself back to shore.

And then, as quickly as it happened, it was over. 

I'm above water and I try to slow my breathing as the raft is still pulling me farther away. 

I look around to find the rest of our crew who are all bobbing like red and white dots from the color of their helmets in the water behind me.  In a matter of minutes, we are all feeling our heart rate come down after we have climbed a riverbank for lunch. Our other team poking fun at our group and our team completely bonded by our experience and the fact that "their team just did not and could not understand".

                                               *****

The water mirrors all my thoughts and emotions.

There are periods of time that go by when I am in perfect balance, symbolized by the sunset behind the trees at the cottage, when the water on the lake looks like glass. Completely undisturbed and picture perfect. Everything still and content.

The contrast mimics the waves of the Pacific Ocean with swells up to four feet crashing loudly against the shore. 

Each one pounding and screaming for attention. 

Dozens of pelicans hover over the water, flying out of sync lacking formation, looking to swoop down for the kill.

Speed boats and jet skis flash by causing chaos to the natural rhythm of the current.

When I'm conflicted or my decisions are cloudy, my thoughts resemble the high tide of the Pacific colliding with the current of the Greyhound Buseater rapid and I long to quiet my mind.  

I can see my thoughts spin, even though it's so obvious that what I need to do is stop. 

It becomes so easy to sabotage completely heartwarming moments by allowing the emotional undertow to take me hostage.

This past year has had some unforeseen developments and accomplishments that have led to a state of restlessness. 

Well ok, restlessness might be too strong of a word.   

Awareness perhaps.  

Awareness that I have more to give and higher goals to reach that aren't being met in my current environment.

I've also rediscovered my love of writing that has been buried for a long time. I've challenged my body and mind to new levels and achieved some recurring goals that were holding me back from progress in other areas of my life. 

And as each of these hurdles were reached, a new vision started to unfold of a direction I need to follow and the shifts I need to make have become clear. 

Clarity and intuition that has been, at times, alarming.

                                                    ********

I would love to write full time for a living. Ahhh wouldn't that be nice.

I realize that might sound far fetched, or more appropriately a retirement plan, but when I've made my mind up about something, I tend to develop an action plan and try and figure out how to get there so I'm putting it out there. 

BOOM.  

OUT THERE.  

My reality, however, is that I have to work to pay for my mortgage and my travels. 

So, I write when I can in my free time.

And I actually believe there is a really good chance that one day maybe I will do this full time.  

Maybe take a course to polish my skills.  

Or write a book and publish it and see what happens. 

Or maybe one day, I will just have an epiphany of a topic or message so strong, that I will just know that this is it and risk it all. 

And listen, its not like I don't have a great job. 

I do. 

But if weeks go by and I haven't written, it starts to tug at me like being tapped on the shoulder.  

An annoying mosquito buzzing in my ear that my priorities need to be rearranged so I can put more words to paper. 

And then sometimes,  I will receive a message asking when I'm going to put out something new and I start to feel this pressure build that my next post might be forced and not flow the way it would if I was in my true writing zone and natural. 

There is just this gravitational force that arrives that is so strong I must sit down and write. 

Sounds crazy, I'm sure, but it is what it is.

Sometimes I require a week to edit.

Sometimes I sit down and it all tumbles out in one shot.  

Vomited thoughts perfectly describing my intent without one correction.

The best way to explain this is that I didn't know I was missing anything until I found it.

Until I wrote the first blog post in March last year, I don't think it ever would've occurred to me how much I truly love to write. 

Or more importantly, that anyone would want to read what I had to say and I could create any type of impact.

I have a different connection with writing. 

I get completely lost in the words.

Time goes by and I barely notice it's been hours since I last got up. 

There is a zone I get into. 

A frequency that allows me to operate at a completely different level.  

How the words lay out on the page.   

Where the breaks are in my thoughts and what the last line is I want to leave someone with.

I believe in finding a way of living professionally and personally that truly feels in sync to that same frequency level.  

I know, I know.  

It sounds like hokey witch doctor self help books. 

Yep.  

That's why I have read every single one of them you can find in the bookstores and likely will write one at some point. 

And let me tell you, when I die,  there will be absolutely no question that I have spent my entire life searching for my own destiny. 

In how I live. 

In who I love. 

In what I do. 

No complacency, always reevaluating and determined to get there.

So I'm not gonna lie.   

My thoughts are a bit like the Pacific at the moment.

I'm in a period of transition where I can see clearly bits and pieces of what the future holds and I can feel the stage being set for change.

Now, obviously, I'm not quitting my day job tomorrow and I quite clearly still need one and want it to be something I love to do.

(so please refrain from messaging them that I'm resigning to become the next Elizabeth Gilbert or James Patterson). 

But it's out there.

Ideas are being bounced around in my mind to make some shifts and adjust pieces of how I live. 

Volunteer towards a cause. 

Improve my writing skills and write a book. 

Write twice as many posts as last year.  

Take a course and learn something new. 

Chase a new personal best for the Toledo half.

I genuinely want to inspire others that there is so much fulfillment to life if we choose to chase after it and never settle.

                                                 ********

I am sitting on a lawn chair facing the sunlight dancing on the Pacific, my toes covered in sand, the sound of the waves rolling in, competing with faint salsa music in the background.

My mind is calm and I am at peace with my thoughts.

The ocean sings in the background, reminding me once again, that our thoughts ebb and flow and that conflict isn't constant.

Nature has a way of balancing everything out when it's ready and the high tide always fades.

I walk down to the edge of the shore, take a deep breath of the salty air and brace myself to jump into the next wave, confident that I'm moving in the right direction.