Mindset

I wonder when it happens....

Don’t you wonder sometimes how you can lose something that was a basic competency to learn how to walk and talk?

Perhaps it’s a lifelong process? 

We are commended by teachers and parents when our grades are good, “disappointed” when there are failures. Always praises for a job well done and looking for the sticker on the homework and dodging from the errors. I never looked at the mistakes, I looked at the score.
What is the score? 99. Not 100? 80. I’m a massive failure. 51. I need a new career choice. I wonder what would’ve happened if I spent time understanding those errors instead of burying away my disappointment and running to something else to see if I could be an instant star.

….Then it happens.

Somehow I have gone from jumping out of a perfectly good airplane at 14,000 feet and speaking to 2,000 people in a high school gym to sheer terror and avoidance of a family golf game for fear of not being the best or doing something poorly. I would even go as far as saying I don’t even make excuses anymore. The hiding is long gone - “Family Golf Game Sunday - you in?” Response “Absolutely not”. I use the game of golf because it’s such an easy one to target. I think everyone knows that even Tiger and Hotty Scotty work hard at it. People work at it and everyday. It’s effort, not instant and it requires practice and the right mindset. I have gone out with my Mom and been near tears at the misery of not making contact with the ball on my one isolated annual golf outing. With my Uncle Steve, (the Saint) trying to give me “pointers”. With my Father and all 3 of his girls (god help him) and the end result is always the same. I hate golf. I suck at it. Therefore next time I will just say no. And especially to my extended family who owns a golf course.

My Doctor once said to me “do you think you have perfectionistic tendencies?”

I smiled all the way home.  

Yes, that’s exactly it - what a great compliment.  

It never occurred to me that this was a concern, in my mind it was the greatest compliment I’d ever heard.

The problem, of course, is the rigid mindset and over time the shrinking ability for personal growth. 

Because as I’m aging I spend less time than I did for the effort to learn and master something new.
I do things I do well. I do things that are safe. I stay in my comfort zone. I take criticism poorly because I want to be the best and that means no errors. No mistakes. Any feedback is a personal attack of character and these people making any suggestions are all crazy. 

As my Father would say, "I know it all" and there is no room for improvement. And if I don’t know it, I certainly don’t want to try and fail.

I spent a summer when I was probably 13 or 14 getting up 486 times on a windsurfing board for 3 seconds before wobbling over and landing in the water before the 487th time I got it right and learned to love it. But at the age of 41, I joined Facebook 15 years after it was created - because that meant learning something new so I just avoided it. What if I looked silly? What if I didn’t understand how to use it properly?

Now I gravitate to safe. 

I travel. I dine out. I work. I work ALOT.
I run. I swim. I go to the gym.
I cook. I drink wine. I listen to music. Also ALOT.
And I make a lot of lists of things I’m going to do that fall under all these categories. 

2016 Goals
1. Run xxx
2. Travel to xxx
3. Try xxx restaurant - supposed to be the best.
4. Go to xxx concert.

Safe.

But two strange things have happened to me that have lit the match to want to change my mindset. 

#1. I sat and wrote my post after the Blue Jays season last year with zero expectations. I genuinely wanted to sit and write and reflect on the season and it’s impact to me personally last year- having more than one family member in the organization and not through the eyes of a fan. And then I wrote another on some of the highs of last year. AND I LOVED DOING IT. And then I remembered going house to house being 10 years old trying to sell a storybook I wrote (ok I have no idea if I was 10). And I was SURE I was going to be James Patterson or Danielle Steel. #1 New York best seller list. But I stopped writing. I don’t know why. But I love it. And so I’ve decided that I’m going to continue to feed my creative mind and continue to write on my insights that I’m stumbling upon on this fabulous journey of life. They might not be perfect and no one has to read them, but I’m going to write. And all of a sudden this is something new. And something that forces me to extend past my comfort zone and make the effort into new territory. I’ve already got topics prepped. "The Seasons.” “Love As I See It Now". They are all brewing in my mind waiting for the right time to be put into words.

…...and most importantly #2.
Because it will shorten the length of my life if I don’t change my mindset.
It’s pretty much that simple.
Because it’s time I stopped fighting to be recognized looking at only a score.
Because it doesn’t matter if the shoes are lined up at the door and I pay my VISA every single morning.
Because I don’t want to permanently be in apologizing mode.
Because it is not a relaxed way to live.
Because I want to live to be 103 like my Auntie Mary.
And because I want to continue to grow. 

So, my answer is yes. 

When that Family Golf Game comes around at some point this Summer, the answer is yes. 

I am going to go. I’m going to try. 

I’m going to try real hard to change my mindset to embrace learning without analyzing the scorecard.