More Like Miley

 "I'm not always right, but still I ain't got time for what went wrong.  Where I end up, I don't really care.  I'm out of my mind, but still I'm holdin' on like a rolling stone - a thousand miles from anywhere."

- Miley.

So, I'm not 'exactly' like Miley.  

I mean, strikingly similar, if I'm hanging from a bar - but it's undoubtedly in running shoes, not stilettos.  

And I'm probably not that chic in my Nikes.  Last week a woman asked me in the elevator how my swim was, and I'd just left the treadmill. 

I picked Miley for this post for a reason, because every single stage of her life she has proudly owned.  The fact that she can write lyrics that she's out of her mind and look like this hanging from the sky, oozes a sense of security so freaking rock solid, that is something to aspire to.  

She has this illusion, "I don't give a sh*t what anyone thinks, I'm going to pose while you judge me any way you wish", while she could truly care less with her shades and bad ass-ishness about her.  

(Bad ass-ishness is definitely a word.)

So here she is on her latest album cover, a long way from a wrecking ball, holdin' on like a cabaret dancer in the sky.  

Bless her.

***

I posted a Kelly Clarkson video the other night.  

I loved the emotional journey of the song.  I love music, and lyrics, and all the feels you can get listening to something really great.  That was literally my intent.  I also know a few people who are at some challenging points in relationships that I thought may resonate with it.  

Interestingly though, it could be perceived that I have posted that because I want to create a voodoo doll of someone who ruined me, so I'm sticking it to them by posting something to state a point. 

I see these things in hindsight, but this is also why every message from me is a full blog post to read.   I feel like I'm permanently trying to ensure I'm understood.  

(I swear I do not own any voodoo dolls, nor wish harm to other humans.)  

Perhaps if I was a little more like Miley, I wouldn't really care what anyone else thought or interpreted about my posts, but so far, that has not been the case.

Social Media has this remarkable way of putting us into fishbowls and snow globes, doesn't it?  I am looking at a snow globe of everyone else's life, while simultaneously feeling like I'm living in a fishbowl that everyone is looking into with my own.  

Perhaps the screenshot I posted with the one line from Miley's song may have been interpreted that I was holding on by a thread and about to write about that.  Or perhaps you saw my excitement that I was writing at all.  The picture didn't give the full context of where I was going and just like many optical illusions, it could be interpreted differently by what you know about me or what you chose to see.  

Which makes me wonder how often we make decisions with all of the information.  How many people in our lives truly have the whole picture to who we are?   

Really, only ourselves.

***

There is still a rather interesting correlation to my current reality though.  

Somehow through a perfect storm of pressures of external circumstances, I seem to have created a disconnect between what comes out of my mouth and what I intended the message to mean.  

I looked this up last night and there is research that shows I am not the only person in this category.  

The stats say that 82% of people do not say what they mean.  

(Bet Miley does though.  She probably belts it out in lyrics, but without voodoo.)

I know from the leadership training I have facilitated, that only 7% of our message comes from the words we say.   Our body language and behaviour speaks far louder than the words we choose.  But needless to say, when we don't say what we want to say and messages are misconstrued, our confidence takes a couple knocks because the outcome generally is the opposite of what the original intent was. 

Then we believe it is "us", when in fact - it is how we are communicating that is the issue.

So... if I don't post anything, I don't need to worry about what anyone else thinks.  If I don't send a message, I don't need to worry about if it will be replied to.  If I start to think something might be ill perceived, I just delete the post and minimize the number of views it has.  

This is a self-destructive cycle that clearly does not solve the problem.  

I am on a mission to do a better job at saying what I mean and see results that match where my intent lies.

***

That's the brutal honesty of what goes on inside my head.  

There is also a whole lot of good stuff that has been happening there these days too though, which is important since I had quite a dark patch where it was a wee bit grim.

I quite like who I am today.  

(Stilettos or not.)

I trust my intuition, decipher my emotions and feel good to make sound decisions that I align to.  I love my job, adore the team of people I work with, raise my hand often for projects and the results from school make me do a double take every semester.  I have a brilliant family and loads of friends, and I've put a lot of time in to reset a foundation that matches my values and who I want to be.

It has taken a damn long time for those words to come out of my mouth. 

I like how I'm showing up.

I'm just still concerned about what everyone else thinks.

Ouch.  

That is the bit.  

This is the switch I need to find.... and I'm so, so close.  

I know it.

This is where Miley hanging from the dang pole has an impact.  

I have spent so many years conforming to what I believe everyone else wants me to be and feeling so shitty for all the areas I fell short or made mistakes, that I need to confidently flip the switch and be okay with just who I am.   

With grace and humility and class, and without a care in the world as to whether someone wants to judge me or not. 

Because I am just as human as anyone else, with all my hits and misses, and I have spent far too many years looking for everyone else's approval, instead of my own. 

***

My final grade for my Winter Adult Ed course was 99.  It wasn't that the teacher was easy, the school isn't hard, I had a halo effect or that the course didn't challenge me.  All responses I have given to downplay that result.  

It was that I worked really, really hard for it and choked up when I saw the final mark come through.  Not for the mark, for the result of doing my best.

I wasn't born fit.  I was pretty unhealthy in high school and a chronic smoker. I drank 4 cans of coke a day and ate ringalos for lunch.  I wasn't exactly a wellness ad.

I train hard now and take proper rest days.  I pour sweat in the gym and I look like I've swam 3 miles when I leave it.  I try and keep an eye on what I eat and when I have chocolate cake and red wine.   (Which lately is more often than I'd like to admit.)

There is a brilliant line in a video I used to show when I worked for Gateway.  It said, "People are rewarded in public for what they practiced for years in private."  Whatever we see on the outside does not show the training plan that was required to achieve it.

My secret superpower is my emotion, and it is the most challenging part of my existence that I am still learning how to harness.  

I get so swept up in the intensity of it all.   The good, the bad and the beautiful.   I love basking in the highs and I dread the days when I'm pulled under.  For most of my life, my emotions have led me like an aggressive dog on a leash taking an owner for a walk - all the while being simultaneously pulled by desperate acceptance of others.  

I am finally at a really cool crossroads where I'm learning how to observe what is happening and use the messages my emotions send me to make better decisions. Not at all to be accepted, but to just be okay for me.

Sometimes I win the battle, sometimes I lose.  

It's all a work in progress.

*** 

I believe that confidence lies in being as true to yourself as possible.  That's what a few artists have got right, Miley included.

A few years ago, I started a list of Guiding Principles that I modify and post above the bulletin board in my office.  

I think about where I'm at today and where I want to be; and trust that if I abide by the guidelines I have set out, that regardless of where I was or what missteps I made - whatever aligns with me now will stick and whatever doesn't is okay to lose.

At the end of the day, the only approval I need is my own.... and that is the challenging shift I'm in the process of making.

💖

2023 Guiding Principles

• Stop to celebrate the wins.
• Live mindfully rich.
• In every situation, we see two possibilities.  There is always a third.  What is the option I can't yet see?
• There is no rush.
• Embrace cycles of rest.
• Kill your darlings.  (This means get rid of what you are holding onto that doesn't serve you anymore).
• Listen to the compass of your heart.
• Remember that everything can change in one split second.
• The purpose of the first draft is to get it written, not get it perfect.
• Pull the string and it will follow you wherever you go.  Push it and it will go nowhere at all.
• Nothing is ever final.  Sometimes we are just setting up for the next shot. 😎  **

p.s. (**Those are Paul Newman glasses if you got the Color of Money reference).

p.p.s. ***If you want to see the tune from Miley ....

Thousand Miles - Miley

  

All I Know So Far

"Haven't always been this way
I wasn't born a renegade
I felt alone, still feel afraid
I stumble through it anyway

I wish someone would have told me that this life is ours to choose
No one's handing you the keys or a book with all the rules
The little that I know I'll tell to you
When they dress you up in lies and you're left naked with the truth

You throw your head back, and you spit in the wind
Let the walls crack, 'cause it lets the light in
Let 'em drag you through hell
They can't tell you to change who you are
That's all I know so far" 

All I Know So Far

- Pink

***

I was asked two questions recently that I have really reflected on.

How long did it take you? 

&

Where do I start?

The truth is I don't think I'm there yet, but today, very randomly, I smiled and thought - Damn, I am in a really good place. 

Today was one of those great days.

One of those days when the sun is shining, my friends are amazing, I'm blessed with my family and my work, my energy is high and I'm somewhat in disbelief at all the dominos finally starting to tumble and knock the next one down so I'm getting a little giggly.

It's bizarre that we can't "see" change as it's occurring.  It feels like day after day there is relentless discipline and effort with an infinity of unknown yielded results.   You see that with weight loss, right?   All of a sudden, someone goes from a size 16 to a 6.   Where the heck were the 14, 12, 10 and 8's??  We see the success, but not the grit and countless hours of decisions along the way and sometimes not even the smaller numbers of the progress with the other dress sizes.

When we imagine how we want to lead our life and then start taking action towards it, we in a sense actually "see" it and therefore start to create it. 

***

"Design Thinking" is my favourite new term on the planet that I like to think I made up, but quite likely did not.  

Ok, I just looked it up and it's very real.  

In fact, it's a "non-linear, iterative process that teams use to understand users, challenge assumptions, redefine problems and create innovative solutions to prototype and testing."

I think that's part Sci, part IT, part Engineering type speak.

You know what Design Thinking is to me?

Create a clear vision of the life you want to live, write all your excuses down on a piece of paper, burn it and make a conscious decision to put actions into place to make your dream come true.  

Period.

Design Thinking by Sarah Lee.

Sorry ISO-peeps.  Mine sounds way more fun.

What is so crazy though is when this whole Design Thinking process in life ACTUALLY STARTS TO HAPPEN.

That is when I get giddy.

(I'm sounding like an Evangelist, I know).

So the answer to how long it takes is "I don't know" .    But there is a different question that I do know the answer to and that's "How long until you start to feel giddy?" - and that's 4 years and 7 months.

In those 4 years and 7 months, I've come a long way from the chain smoking, pot o' coffee drinking, overworked, sedated, sleep deprived cyber-zombie that I once was. 

***

Sometimes as the words fall out of my mouth when I talk about my morning routine, I almost start laughing because I know it sounds completely insane and I honestly cannot believe I wake up at 5am and spend 3 hours BEFORE work to do THINGS.  

But it's happening.   

And I love it.   

I also don't need a medal or acceptance from anyone for making these choices.   

The only voice that matters is my own.

And my internal voice LIKES me.

She is actually pretty cool - I really should have become friends with her quite some time ago.  

I listen to her everyday.   In silence.   For 15 minutes every single morning I listen to hear what she has to say.  Where I might want to rethink things.   Some brilliant progressive idea I just have to email to the Head of HR (ugh - I really wish she'd maybe keep a draft first sometimes).   

(I'm not gonna lie.  Occasionally, I need to polish her up a little.)   

But she ain't all that bad and we have become one hell of a team.

During COVID, my lovely internal voice and I have cemented some habits.

Wake at 5.   Journal.   Meditate for 15 minutes.   Walk for 60 or Run for 30.   Gratitude list, best parts of yesterday and set intentions for today.  Some days I run a practice called 60/10 where I set a timer for 60 minutes and focus on one task I need to get done, followed by a 10 minute break.  Confidence bracelet up next (did I tell you about this already?   If you do not have a confidence bracelet, you are missing out.   I don't care what gender you are.).  Anyways, I put my confidence bracelet of choice on for the day and go to work.

This process is called Habit Stacking.

When you have one habit and you add or stack another on top of it.   Your brain is already on auto-pilot to the first habit, therefore it becomes easier to add the second habit in.

What started off as setting my alarm for 6:45 to write for 15 minutes, now has evolved to 5am and loads of other things that happen all before I turn my computer on in the morning.

Who knew habit stacking was a thing.

I'm a fan.

***

The really fun stuff for me is on a bigger scale.

I dream BIG.

I want to stand on stage to do a TED talk, write a best selling book that can change the future of mental health and give people hope of life beyond depression and anxiety, hold a role in Global Well-Being and have an impact with no limits, and run Personal Leadership retreats to help people embrace their life through a framework of education, motivation and exercises.

To get closer to these goals, I make sure whenever anything is presented to me that I ask myself two questions.  

Does this align with the vision of where I want to go?

Does my intuition agree?

This is where the dominos are starting to tip over and where I got real giddy today as I truly started to feel the progress.

I made up my degree.

I mean, how cool is that?!

I.   MADE.  IT. UP.

That's what Integrated Studies allows you to do.   Where was this killer, kick ass degree when I was hating my existence taking "everything-for-non- whatever it was" students and desperately wanting to take a course I was interested in.  

(Okay, I probably didn't desperately want to take anything if I'm really honest.)

I made up my degree.

Transformational Leadership.

I get to pick all the courses that make sense, that I like and that will gear towards Global Well-Being and Transforming your Life.

THIS IS SO FUN!

Then last week I was asked to be on the Social Committee.

That, in itself, is a rather strategic move on our team's part, since I am pro-remote-work for as long as physically possible.

BUTTTTT.......

When I asked what "pillar" I would be responsible for, the clever leader we have replied "Wellness".

Duh.  

YES.

I have an opportunity to run Wellness Initiatives for McDonald's Canada.

Read that line again.

I mean, come on........ are you shaking your head yet??

THIS IS SO FUN!

I bought a paddleboard.

It fits in my Mini.  It packs up nice and neatly and I ordered a hot pink and orange striped life jacket from some surf shop or another in California and it all fits in my little tiny Mini and me and my lovely internal happy voice go to the beach and paddle.

I LOVE IT.

Oh, and I started a Coaching Group.

IT IS SO FUN.

It's teeny tiny right now, but we meet Saturday mornings and we talk about Self Development and Growth and I mean, who wouldn't want to start their Saturday morning off in August talking about getting better and building a life they love??????

We are all gettin' JUICED and guess what?   I LOVE IT.   It's so fun.

(Oh my God.   Someone is going to comment I'm McLovin' It and please don't.   Just don't do it.)

Things are really freaking cool.

I mean, every day isn't sunshine and roses.

I mean, it never really is, is it?

Pink says it well.   

"I wish someone would've told me this darkness comes and goes"

Do you notice how some people you see go "dark" on social media for a while and then come back stronger than ever?

Life ebbs and flows.

Not all days are pretty.

Last week I put my brand new air pods in the wash.

My Free-on-Points air pods became my "$180" for the second pair, For-The-Love-Of-God-Do-Not-Put-Them-In-The-Laundry air pods.

Hey, you can't win 'em all.

But if I can look in the mirror and the girl staring back at me is awesome and fully aligned with her values, goals and principles, is fit, lean and strong, sleeps well, rises early and is making strides towards her dreams at 47 years old - then I get a little giddy with disbelief.

We can honestly do anything we put our minds to.

Absolutely-freaking-anything.

And that's all I know so far.

    

Renewed Hope

 "Darkness.  The truest darkness is not the absence of light. It's the conviction that the light will never return.   But the light always returns.   To show us things familiar.   Home, family, and things entirely new, or long overlooked.   It shows us new possibilities and challenges us to pursue them." 

 - Lois Lane, Justice League

***

Not bad, eh?  

Quoting DC comics.

How about the fact that I know Lois Lane is DC comics, and not Marvel?

Oh my God.... what has happened to me?

For someone without a television, I have watched 38 movies since Easter.

Okay, that's not the total truth.

I'm actually not even sure how many movies I have watched, but I'm certain iTunes knows.

I watched all the Star Wars movies, (that hardcore fans will be mortified I watched in chronological order and not release order), plus the bonus extra ones, all the DC movies, a few randoms like the Princess Bride (in hindsight, not a huge fan) and the Notebook (I needed a good cry and a l'il Ryan Gosling) and I'm pret' near done the entire Marvel collection. (Save Captain America, who I dislike.  Sorry Marvel - but what exactly were you thinking?!)

I am now a walking quotation from any one of the above as you will see by the Princess Leia quote at the end of this post.... and perhaps a few others.   

(ACTUALLY, it's not even Princess Leia.   It's GENERAL - that is how much I am into Sci-Fi and Superheroes.  I know the characters changed name references.   Unbelievable.)

Oh, and Avatar.

I mean, wasn't that brilliant?

(It's feelin' a little higher than 38.)

I am an ADDICT.

In typical Sarah fashion, not only did I watch the movies, I took notes on all the themes of good and evil, light and dark, and all the quotes I could get my hands on.

Like Deadpool.

(You have no idea how much it concerns me that there is anything in Deadpool I could actually quote....)

But there is!

One tiny, little part at the wee end of the movie gave me Superhero-hope.

"There are 4 or 5 defining moments.   That's all it takes to be a hero.   Everyone thinks it's a fulltime job but there are only 4 or 5 moments that matter.   Moments when you are offered a choice.  To make a sacrifice, conquer a flaw, save a friend or spare an enemy.   In these moments, everything else falls away."

I won't tell you how it derails from there.   

The point is, even Deadpool, a.k.a. Marvel meets Quintin Tarantino,  had a Superhero moment.

And if you only need 4 or 5, I'm gonna order a cape.

***

It's been a quiet Winter.

The New Age genre would call it "Awakening."

The Self Help junkies would call it "Healing."

I would call it "Re-Programming."

How can I stop one more word from falling out of my mouth that is self sabotaging, depreciating, people pleasing or worrying.

I still slip.

But there is progress.

I can see and feel the shift taking place.

My physical strength has toughened me from the inside out, my meditation practice is rock solid, I can handle feedback without wanting to crawl into a hole and die, and I have journaled every day for over 365 days.  (I call this "data and research" for an undetermined future project.)  

I have nothing left to work through, no more habits left to change (although a couple are in progress) and I am so highly in tune with my energy levels and intuition, I can feel what lifts me and dims me in a nano-second.

***

I had the most fascinating moment a few weeks ago.

I was sitting in my fancy leather reading chair, feet up on a bean bag ottoman, re-reading my journals from 2020 when this whole pandemic began.  

The Christmas lights in the Village Square had just been replaced with patio umbrellas, the trees now in full Spring bloom and the birds were chirping away.

As I looked up from my journal and drifted off into space at how very much changed in the last 12 months, the church bells started to ring outside.   

I don't think I'd ever heard them quite this way before.  

All of a sudden, as clear as day and as loud as a megaphone, came the sound of Halleluiah being played by a saxophone outside my window.

(No, Richard Gere was not also present, holding out roses through a sunroof.)

I looked outside and there were multiple residents of the building behind me who stood on their balconies, leaning over and listening to the sound of music coming the Village Square below. 

It was like the whole downtown core had this split-second, shared moment together.

The entire event was so overwhelming, I had goosebumps all they way down my arms.

Time has passed.  

The Winter darkness has been replaced with lighter days and fresh air and there is a renewed sense of hope lingering in the air as the plan for reopening has finally been released.  

As I scroll through social media, I notice all the selfies with vaccine papers and I feel confident that Spring next year looks different than this one.

***

I open up a blank Powerpoint template and set a timer for 60 minutes.

Focus for 60 minutes and then take a 10 minute break.   

(Love this strategy from Robin Sharma's 5am Club book.)

I start to build the shell of a program I'm hoping to pilot real soon.

I've spent about 13 hours this week on coming up with a theme and name and somehow, right at this very second, it has come to me.

Superhero Kool-Aid.

I think I'm liking this.

Superhero Kool-Aid.

Yes.

• Where are you now?   Where do you want to be?
• What is your belief system?
• What lessons can we learn from Superheroes?
• What is important to you?
• What guides your decisions?
• What holds you back?
• What have you failed to notice?
• Why do you need to rest?
• How do you rise to match the vision you have created?

Whoever would have thought multiple quarantines and lockdowns would have served a purpose.

"Sometimes you can't see what you're learning until you're out the other side." 

(Wonder Woman)

Ugh.

I'm outta control.

I'm totally drinking the Kool-Aid.

***

I have this bad-ass picture I ordered from Etsy online.

It gives me attitude every day I sit down in that reading chair with my morning coffee.

It says "Remember who you wanted to be."

She reminds me to set the timer and get to work.

Like someone said in Man of Steel - (I'm a quoting machine.   I can't even stop.)

"Sometimes you have to take a leap of faith and the trust part comes later."

(I looked it up.   Duh.   It was Superman.  Actually Clark.   Does it matter?   I feel it does.   Then Clark is my final answer Regis.)

So my attitude picture is in charge, mothering me to keep going and keep doing what I love, with the hope to shine some light where it's needed and be the voice someone needs to hear.

I'm not too far away from a "how to make change, self actualization (thank you Maslow for clever terms), make myself happier, be your true self, realign your life" - kinda program and I'm super excited about all the potential it holds.

I even have some brave volunteers who are going to try it out.

Like Lois says, "the light always returns."

We just have to persevere and trust.

And like Leia says, "Hope is like the sun.   If you only believe in it when you see it, you'll never make it through the night." 

Maybe I should start braiding my hair.

 

American Pie

"Now do you believe in Rock and Roll?  
Can music save your mortal soul?
And... can you teach me how to dance real slow?"
- Don McLean

***

It was 1990-something.
Maybe 1991?
I would be guessing, really, on the exact dates.
That was the year we ran the student leadership conference, Embrace '92, in the middle of pretty much freaking nowhere.
Ironically, probably awfully near where I've spent the past few months of my life.

***

I was fearless back then.

I can remember being asked to attend a Student Council conference, but that didn't really mean anything to me at the time.

I packed up my stuff (far less than I travel with these days), and jumped on a GO train to Yorkdale Mall, where I switched onto a yellow school bus and was shipped up north to Lake Couchiching, along with hundreds of others.

"Couch", (Cooch) we called it.

When we arrived, we were segregated into "Girls" cabins and "Boys" cabins, where we spent the next few days of our lives together.

Something seems to happen when the outside world is cut off and you are held in a fishbowl - away from everyone and everything that is of comfort to you.

It is all consuming.

There was a trust and cohesion formed with this team that cannot be forced or explained to anyone from outside; all based from how immersed we were into this program.

The leadership exercises and activities we took part in during that week, developed us as leaders probably well beyond what we ever could expect in all the years that followed.

We ate breakfast together, lunch together, dinner together, talked together, brainstormed together and organized activities together.

That damn bell rang for a meal and we all moved military-style to make our way to the main food hall.

I couldn't tell you what month it was, although I'm sure someone else will remember.

But I do remember American Pie.


***

There was a theme night - I don't remember if there were others, but I think this one was a Country one.

Funny now with how trendy country music is today, but at the time country meant Cowboys and Indians, Dolly Parton and 9-5.

We went through the items we brought and the girls had plaid bandanas and the guys in jeans and belt buckles and off we went to our theme night dance.

I want to say I was in Grade 11, but maybe it was 12.  I suppose the years don't really matter.

I was so seduced by the emotions and energy that Couch offered, I never wanted to leave.

I was riding a high I had never experienced, that was soon to be followed by a crushing energetic hangover when I left.

But at the height of it all, there was unity with music.

***

I suppose there are always defining moments in time when the world melts away and time is frozen.

This one was a DJ cranked with American Pie.

Every single one of us singing in unison all of the ridiculous words to this song, without any understanding at the age we were at, of what the lyrics meant.

"Did you write the book of love and do you have faith in God above?"

I can see me now in that room.

Laughing, belting out the words, all of the beautiful souls I was so blessed to spend time with around me.   Our silly outfits.   A bubble of positive energy and trust.

"So bye, bye Miss American Pie.  Drove my chevy to the levy but the levy was dry.   And good ole' boys were drinking whiskey and rye, singing this will be the day that I die."

***

I cried all the way home.

I cried the next week.

I probably cried the whole week after that.

I attended dozens of conferences and nothing could ever come close to this.

We ran so many successful weekends with cool venues and activities and people in them.

Nothing was Couch.

It never could be.

It was one of the most incredible whirlwinds of my life.

***

I always dreamt that professionally I could reach the same high.

WHY can't I develop this with a team?

Why can't I run trust circles and exercises and form a bond and cohesion that's so strong, it becomes a force to be reckoned with, that everyone wants to be a part of?

It, in theory, should be no different.

***

I truly and honestly did not even see it coming when it did.

I would even go as far as saying I resisted any possibility.

The pain from Couch never really disappeared and I worked through many years with walls of safety built around me to shield from any future grief.

I entered my career with a mindset of achievement, not a mindset of trust, and worked endlessly for new titles and fighting for success.

And after a drastic reset and reflection, I went back into the workforce blind and with all my expectations removed.

I thought I had it all figured out.

Schedules set, barriers up, shields out front.

And then I was completely dragged under by the strongest current I'd felt in twenty years.

When I least expected it, everything I experienced in my teens resurfaced.

Slowly but surely, I became part of a team that is capable of much more together, than alone.

We spend so much time in our work week with people that we did not necessarily choose to spend portions of our life with.… and if we are really lucky in our career, we may stumble across a really great group that makes it all worthwhile.

Where the people on our team raise our own standards and push us to new levels of excellence, where time is lost because we are on the same page, and where work and play becomes blurred lines of reality.

***

"It's your turn."

I really should've picked Shania Twain.

Or American Pie out of sheer respect for what it meant to me.

But at the time of my modern day YouTube karaoke night, I had nothing but smiles and gratitude for my current existence.

"You guys pick".

***

I looked around the room as the songs were picked one by one, with a heart full of thanks that this is my job and these are the people I get to call my team.

When we open brand new Food and Beverage outlets at a casino, there is a team of at least a dozen of us morning and night for two weeks straight, plus some, to train and prepare for the open.

We are vacuum sealed into our objective and the outside world drifts far away during that timeframe as we spend all day working, evening recapping and late nights celebrating.

There are times I live with swings of emotions from the shifts back and forth between being on the road and coming home and trying to adjust quickly from one to the other and hold any semblance of balance.

Many could argue my job is meant for someone single and 25, but I love it - and likewise, the people I work with.

I have found a way to spend my days in a replica of life at Couch.

***

We don't get to dictate our timing.

But funny enough, when we create a vision of what we want and truly trust and believe in the possibilities -
…. life seems to have an awfully funny way of working it all out.

Just Like A Pill

 "I can't stay on your life support

There's a shortage in the switch

I can't stay on your morphine 

'cause it's making me itch"

- Pink

***

I am standing on the edge of the pier before dawn, leaning on the railing looking beneath me.

I can't see the water.   

I know it's there, but I can't see it.

The sky is grey and the snow is falling so fast, it is a sheen of white ahead.

It is -17 and I can see my breath.

I lean back and close my eyes and surrender to this Winter moment, letting the snowflakes land on my eyelashes.

I feel it all, knowing Spring isn't far away.

***

I got a phone call this week from someone very close to me.

She said two things that have stuck with me and erupted such a tsunami of emotions, spilling gasoline on my fire for the Mental Health crisis. 

I want to share it for anyone else who is trying to understand the darkness and despair that comes with the depths of depression and anxiety.

She said "I'm not good enough" and "I don't see a way out".

I can't even type those two lines without my heart screaming in pain and my voice wanting to yell at the top of my lungs -

"YOU ARE GOOD ENOUGH AND THERE IS A WAY OUT!"

In fact,

'YOU ARE ABSOLUTELY FUCKING GOOD ENOUGH AND THERE IS A WAY OUT!!!"

But she is standing on the edge of that pier and can't see Spring.

It is dark and scary and she doesn't know if the snow is going to stop and the ground is going to thaw or if the flowers are going to bloom.

When we are in this space where we feel isolated and afraid, initially we may reach out to anyone who will answer and listen, but we don't see the light.

We don't believe that there is any, and we don't believe anyone who tells us it's there.

It is a futile exercise because we are unreachable.

So we grasp and reach and search to anything and anyone around us to fix how broken and helpless we feel, desperately wanting someone or something to give us the answer, and in result, we feel only temporary relief.

There is a very simple and painful reality to face.   

I can see it so clearly because it's a pattern I've repeated for most of my life.

We have given our power away.

***

I love Pink's song "Just Like A Pill".

It is one of the first tracks on my running list because it reminds me of our innate ability to choose.

I can't stay on your life support, there's a shortage in the switch.   I can't stay on your morphine 'cuz it's making me itch.  I said I tried to call the nurse again but she's being a little bitch.   I think I'll get outta here.

There is a distinct moment we all have where we can choose.

We can choose to stop living our life for everything and everyone else and take control.

***

I went to school because my parents expected me to go to school.   I went to University because it was expected of me to go.   I tried to get marks for my parents, not because I liked what I studied, and in return I failed.  By failing, I felt not good enough.   I am very familiar with what not feeling good enough, feels like.

At work, I am rated by my results.  If I work for the results, I am more likely to struggle.   If I work for the love of the work, I am more likely to succeed.  I am very successful at teaching leaders to lead because I love what I do.   I never think about the measurements.

These are simple extremes, but when we perform for others, it lays the foundation for codependent behaviour.

Here is a list of all the ways I have given my power away ~

• I have felt responsible to other's expectations of me 
• I have allowed what others think or feel about me to dictate my own happiness
• I say yes when I want to say no
• I feel guilty if I don't do what everyone else wants me to do
• I feel safe giving and I do not give myself permission to receive
• I blame myself for things I have not done wrong
• I reject compliments or praise
• I take feedback and rejection personally
• I have been a victim of abuse - more than once
• I feel that being needed justifies my self worth
• I am afraid to be who I am
• I focus all my energy on other people or problems to fix
• I desperately seek love or approval from others
• I overapologize
• I don't say what I mean and I feel increasing fury of resentment, anger and bitterness from unresolved issues
• I became addicted to alcohol, pills, cigarettes, sugar, gambling or any other form of addiction to avoid dealing with any of the above and when I quit one, I replaced it with another.
• I felt trapped, believed there was no way out and I was not good enough

(Believe it or not, I could go on)

Depression and anxiety are rooted in loss of power.

***

There are some powerful lessons I've learned in reclaiming my self worth.

1.  Gasping for air while offering to give others CPR is not heroic.   It's suffocation by resentment.  Put your own oxygen mask on first.   Period.

2.  I have a right to live.   I have a right to my voice.   I have to right to be independent.  I have a right to love.   I have a right to detach.  I have a right to follow my own path.   I have a right to boundaries.   I have a right to my own space.  I have a right to choose.  I have a right to begin again.  I own my rights.

3.  Deep inside my soul, there is a tiny pilot light.  When I'm in the dark, it's really hard to know it's there.   I have to sit very quietly by myself and listen.  That's my power.   No one else owns that, but me.   I choose where I give that away to.  I can exercise this like a muscle and practice to strengthen it every day by one small decision at a time.  I own it.   It is my way out.

4.  Every time I look to someone else to justify my worth, I am decreasing that internal light.  I am giving my power to someone or something to decide how good or how beautiful or how worthy I am.  What I am saying is that every circumstance or person I run into decides my outcome.  What if I choose what is worthy enough to be involved with or stay?  

5.  I am good enough.   I am beautiful enough.   I am smart enough.   I am funny enough.   I am lovable enough.  I am all of these things and more.   I am what I choose to believe.  If I associate myself with something I am not aligned with, I have two choices.   Change the situation or change my belief about it.  I always have a choice.

In one split second, I can choose to take control.  

The one thing that no one ever told me was that there is only one person who has the authority to change how I was living and behaving.

ME.

***

The final straw for me to change was rediscovering high school yearbooks when I was going through my separation and we were purging most of our belongings.

I am gritting my teeth, and my heart is pounding, as the truth of writing this sinks in.

In Grade 9 and 10 we had a label about people who tried real hard to fit in with everyone else. 

It was "CO".

Cling on.

"Hey CO"

"Sarah, great getting to know you this year.   Don't CO"

Always trying to fit in.

Always wanting to be accepted.

Always giving my power to everyone else to decide if I was worth it.

I threw the yearbooks in the bin and some of my fury and humiliation with it.

***

I wanted so badly to fix her this week.

I wanted to take the pain away and solve it all and save the day.

But only I could crank that pilot light and turn up my own self-love - no one else could do it for me, and no one else can do it for anyone else who is struggling either.

We can listen.   We can be present.   We can point the direction for help.  We can provide unconditional love and rally.  

The battle, however, is won individually. 

I had to make a choice to fight my own internal war and take my power back. With a relentless determination to win and a mindset that it's possible, I rewrote my belief system.

My wish is that I can be the light that inspires her to do the same.

***

I don't need to see where I am going, as long as I walking my own path.

I don't need to grasp at friendship or romance, what aligns with me energetically will stay.

I don't need to try so hard for the results, if I am doing what I love, the results will follow.

I don't need to know the ending, I just need to read the page I'm on

and

I don't need to live my life for the life support of everyone else's approval.

I have a right to choose.

I have a right to live.

I have a right to be.

I am worth it.

I am good enough.

There absolutely is a way.

Living in 4K

 I started drinking at 32 years old.  

That sounds a little strange, doesn't it?

I mean, I had drank before, but I didn't drink.

I started drinking the same way I started smoking, because it was a social network that I was part of.

The 30 year-old single's way of life in downtown Toronto.

A quick glass of Merlot on the way out the door to a vodka bar, and a slice of pizza at 1am on Church Street with a last smoke before bed - and a hangover that required a lot of Advil and mindless football on a Sunday afternoon.

Hell of a way to live if you ask me, and I did this for about 15 years in one way shape or form, long after I left the city.

The only variance was where I was drinking, with who, and how accustomed my system became to it all.   

I was a brilliantly functioning alcoholic (or habitual wine drinker), whichever label I would like to proudly own and wear.

***

This is a pattern I have been repeating since childhood.

I moved to Canada from the UK when I was 7.   

Two things happened at that time.   

I had a different accent and I was put into a grade with students a year older than I was.  In England, we started school when we were 3 so when we relocated, I was put into Grade 2, instead of Grade 1.

I am fascinated now to look back on how this one exercise in inclusivity shaped my entire future.

I was always chasing to be accepted, terrified of missing out and never with kids that were my own age, so I always felt not quite good enough to be where I was.

That need resurfaced in Grade 10 when I moved two and a half hours away mid-semester to a new city and started all over again.

As a teenager at that time, I chose smoking as my vice to fit in.  It's a circle that always welcomes newcomers, and let's face it, the best conversations always happened when you were out for a smoke.

If I fast forward through the chapters, the cycle repeated itself when I got divorced, and that's where the alcohol arrived.

By 40, I am smoking, drinking daily and on a boatload of anti-depressants.

If I'm honest, I'm not sure I even knew any other way to be existed.  I found solace in my acceptance as part of all these clubs -  the addict, the escape artist and the unwell - and I'm not sure I believed it was possible to change any of it, nor wanted to.

I quit smoking and came off anti-depressants in 2016, and I am now halfway through several months of being more sober than I've been since I was 30.  Short of a few Christmas drinks, my life is pretty clean.  These are not changes I ever made with intentions of an achievement of "giving something up", but rather a determination for embracing a new vision of how and where I want to be.

***

I wake up at 5am now.  

It isn't even something I set an alarm for.   

It just is.

After writing religiously, I walk the waterfront to see the sunrise.  

I believe it is the most powerful time of the day and where most of my creativity and solutions surface.

This morning was one of those mornings that the lake was so still and serene, it was magnificent.  The swans and ducks were still sleeping in a circle and the only sound I could hear was my own feet on the frozen sand on the beach.  There wasn't a soul outside and the sky was deep pink just beyond the horizon.  There was a moment I stopped and looked over the lake, completely frozen in time, in awe of what I was so grateful to see and experience alone, but also how far I'd come.

I would relate my life now as such an extreme shift that it is like throwing out a black and white television and tuning my life into 4K.   It is 4 x's the magnitude and pixels from what it was and I had no idea what I was missing because I was always chasing, numbing or fixing, instead of appreciating the beauty of where I was.

***

The challenge with living 4K is that we aren't taught and educated on how to live like this.

Our emotions are like colours on the screen and they can be so blinding, we aren't equipped to see straight.  With every breathtaking sunrise, there are equally stunning low's where failure, rejection and disappointment scream in neon for our attention and swirl us away into a tsunami of pain and suffering we struggle to detach from.

The past stares back daily, like a haunted ghost behind a million shards of glass, waiting to be accepted, integrated and forgiven to move forward in peace.  And in the early stages of adjusting from all the coping mechanisms, each channel I turn to holds an image is so strong and vivid, I haven't trained myself yet to detach from it all and give it enough space to see it all clearly.  

There is nothing gradual about this intensity and it requires patience and forgiveness as I trip and stumble my way through the new terrain.  Highs and lows can be so overwhelming that they feel like a drug in itself, and I am swallowed simultaneously by euphoria and grief.

In those times, when the easy answer is to fall back, is when I have to light a candle and sink into a hot bath and remind myself to stay the course.

***

I believe there is something on the other side of this transition.

A highly, intuitive and creative life that ebbs and flows with all cycles of nature. 

One that is softer and carries an ease beyond what we have been programmed to believe, where harmony and collaboration exist at levels we have yet to experience globally.    

A 10k screen or even 20 where the interconnected energy of us all is so powerful and aligned that we are able to move humanity to a completely different place we have not even imagined yet. 

As I learn to navigate the storms with a little more grace and surf the tide as it comes in, I hope by continuing to share my story, that I shine a light and comfort for anyone else venturing down the same path.

May we all one day embrace the possibility of living in full colour.

Leaders Eat First

I used to think coffee and cigarettes were two of the major food groups.  

I thought if you were the first person in the office and the last one to leave, you were irreplaceable.  I thought bonuses were granted for efforts for long days and the highest salaries belonged to the leaders who worked the hardest.  I also believed the company was at fault for burn out but an out-of-office alert for your vacation meant you weren't committed enough to your job.  

This mindset led to many episodes of feeling unappreciated, resentful and exhausted at various times during the earlier stages of my career.  No title, pay raise or bonus is enough if you are not fulfilled and balanced with the work you do. Inevitably, this results in disengagement, illness or poor exits.

Without creating boundaries and choosing to control my own fate, I was left fire fighting daily as I believed that the quicker I responded to a message, the more efficient and effective I was as a leader.  

I cycled from overwork to burn-out to despair - and, quite proficiently so, more than once.

An 18 month unplanned sabbatical in 2017 led me down a path of self reflection, where I challenged and shifted every professional belief I had, returning to the work force in 2019 realigned and reenergized.  

I sought self forgiveness for my trials and errors, an understanding to those I felt at one time or another had wronged me, and a connection to a power deep within, to redesign how I wanted to live and lead.

Eventually, I was able to ask myself the question, "Did you show up today the way you intended?"  and actually answer it with Yes.

***

If I was to provide advice to my younger self now, there are some key insights I would focus on.

Know your value.

I traditionally undersold my capabilities because I didn't understand what value I provided.

It took a long hiatus to really study my competency set and understand, not only what I did well and where I added value, but also what I loved to do.   

I learned that professional fulfillment lies somewhere in that balance.

Leaders eat first. 

I would challenge Simon Sinek's Leaders Eat Last. (maybe don't tell him that though).

It is our responsibility to be accountable to look after ourselves first in order to best serve others.   

Many successful leaders I know have a disciplined morning routine before their work day begins.  

20 years into my career, I traded coffee and cigarettes for meditation and exercise and joined that group of early risers.

Martyrs are not heroes.  

There is only a mirror to look into and choices to make if you cycle from burn-out to despair to disengagement.  

Leaders should eat first.

Be relentless about solutions, not time.   

Those who advance are those who can ask themselves where the pain points are for the team - and come up with solutions on how to do things better/faster/smarter and more efficient.   

Leading is not about showing up at the office at 7am or how many years you have been loyal to the business.  

Your decisions have a ripple effect.

Every decision we make as leaders has a ripple effect.

The hardest lesson I've ever learned was underestimating the effect that the power of a decision I made could have.  

A few years ago, I had made a decision to terminate an employee.  That same employee refused to take a taxi home after the meeting and chose not to go home that night because they were embarrassed.   They wandered the streets and decided to go for dinner and in a freak accident, choked during the meal and was unable to be resuscitated.  I have never recovered professionally and personally from this day and nor will his family and friends. The impact of that decision had a ripple effect that impacted far beyond the business.

I would do anything to go back in time and change how that story ended.

Know when it's time to move on.

I was away when that termination took place.   I was living in a different country and I should have resigned when I moved back to Canada but I tried real hard to hang on and make it work.  What if I had been in Chicago that day?   Would I have taken him out for coffee and talked to him about job possibilities and counselled him on where he could apply his skills to?   Could I have positioned that differently so the end result changed?   Could I have handled any part of that day differently to get him home safely where he was in the hands of someone else?

These are questions I will endlessly ask myself.

His name was Todd and I am forever changed as a leader by the experience of his time in my life.  

Leadership is not a job you go to, it's a state you live in. 

I have crossed paths with many who believe they "deserve" a "management role" for their experience and knowledge in a field or the education they've received.

Leadership is not a title or a job, it's a state of mind you live in.

I lead everyday.

I lead by the choices I make on what images to post, what blogs to write, what energy I give to the students I teach.  I lead by living with a continuous improvement mindset of asking every single day - How can I do this better/faster/smarter/ more efficient with less room for error? 

When I teach leadership principles, I am lit up, completely engaged and in a flow state where I am only conscious of time as a framework to start and end.  

To lead is to be absolutely in love with inspiring others towards an end result or goal and being relentlessly driven to improve.

It is not a job, it's a state of being.

***

Every country and city I've lived in, company I've worked for, leaders I've reported to and people I surround myself with daily have all influenced the leader I have evolved into.  The mentors I've enjoyed working with the most have recognized my core competencies and embraced risk - presenting new opportunities for me to expand out of my comfort zone and lead different departments or full operations.  

I have great insights to team dynamics and love a good strategic discussion on moving the players around on the chess board.   What I need to develop is my skills in having difficult conversations - and learn that holding those from a place of striving towards excellence is only for the betterment of the business and the recipient.

What I do know now that I didn't know 10 years ago is this.

An MBA provides a knowledge base, a structure and a framework to drive results from.  Those elements are all teachable in a classroom or virtual environment.

Successful leadership requires courage.   

It takes courage to lead, courage to embrace change and courage to speak.

As a female leader in the second leg of my career, I am rediscovering the strength of my voice and my passion to mentor and lead others forward.

Authentic leadership comes from within and is built on connection and purpose.  

There is no script or master rulebook to follow and no right answers.

If you operate from a place of intention that makes every decision based on balancing the needs of the business, shareholders and employees, success is guaranteed to find it's way. 

***

I have a vision board posted beside my desk with a hot pink sticky note in the middle.   

It reads "Live Well, Lead Well and Be Well."  

Oh, how handy this message would have been to me twenty years ago. 

I now read it every morning before I fire up my computer.

At the end of the day, what I wish I'd known is - 

Just look after yourself first and lead from the heart.