Just Like A Pill

 "I can't stay on your life support

There's a shortage in the switch

I can't stay on your morphine 

'cause it's making me itch"

- Pink

***

I am standing on the edge of the pier before dawn, leaning on the railing looking beneath me.

I can't see the water.   

I know it's there, but I can't see it.

The sky is grey and the snow is falling so fast, it is a sheen of white ahead.

It is -17 and I can see my breath.

I lean back and close my eyes and surrender to this Winter moment, letting the snowflakes land on my eyelashes.

I feel it all, knowing Spring isn't far away.

***

I got a phone call this week from someone very close to me.

She said two things that have stuck with me and erupted such a tsunami of emotions, spilling gasoline on my fire for the Mental Health crisis. 

I want to share it for anyone else who is trying to understand the darkness and despair that comes with the depths of depression and anxiety.

She said "I'm not good enough" and "I don't see a way out".

I can't even type those two lines without my heart screaming in pain and my voice wanting to yell at the top of my lungs -

"YOU ARE GOOD ENOUGH AND THERE IS A WAY OUT!"

In fact,

'YOU ARE ABSOLUTELY FUCKING GOOD ENOUGH AND THERE IS A WAY OUT!!!"

But she is standing on the edge of that pier and can't see Spring.

It is dark and scary and she doesn't know if the snow is going to stop and the ground is going to thaw or if the flowers are going to bloom.

When we are in this space where we feel isolated and afraid, initially we may reach out to anyone who will answer and listen, but we don't see the light.

We don't believe that there is any, and we don't believe anyone who tells us it's there.

It is a futile exercise because we are unreachable.

So we grasp and reach and search to anything and anyone around us to fix how broken and helpless we feel, desperately wanting someone or something to give us the answer, and in result, we feel only temporary relief.

There is a very simple and painful reality to face.   

I can see it so clearly because it's a pattern I've repeated for most of my life.

We have given our power away.

***

I love Pink's song "Just Like A Pill".

It is one of the first tracks on my running list because it reminds me of our innate ability to choose.

I can't stay on your life support, there's a shortage in the switch.   I can't stay on your morphine 'cuz it's making me itch.  I said I tried to call the nurse again but she's being a little bitch.   I think I'll get outta here.

There is a distinct moment we all have where we can choose.

We can choose to stop living our life for everything and everyone else and take control.

***

I went to school because my parents expected me to go to school.   I went to University because it was expected of me to go.   I tried to get marks for my parents, not because I liked what I studied, and in return I failed.  By failing, I felt not good enough.   I am very familiar with what not feeling good enough, feels like.

At work, I am rated by my results.  If I work for the results, I am more likely to struggle.   If I work for the love of the work, I am more likely to succeed.  I am very successful at teaching leaders to lead because I love what I do.   I never think about the measurements.

These are simple extremes, but when we perform for others, it lays the foundation for codependent behaviour.

Here is a list of all the ways I have given my power away ~

• I have felt responsible to other's expectations of me 
• I have allowed what others think or feel about me to dictate my own happiness
• I say yes when I want to say no
• I feel guilty if I don't do what everyone else wants me to do
• I feel safe giving and I do not give myself permission to receive
• I blame myself for things I have not done wrong
• I reject compliments or praise
• I take feedback and rejection personally
• I have been a victim of abuse - more than once
• I feel that being needed justifies my self worth
• I am afraid to be who I am
• I focus all my energy on other people or problems to fix
• I desperately seek love or approval from others
• I overapologize
• I don't say what I mean and I feel increasing fury of resentment, anger and bitterness from unresolved issues
• I became addicted to alcohol, pills, cigarettes, sugar, gambling or any other form of addiction to avoid dealing with any of the above and when I quit one, I replaced it with another.
• I felt trapped, believed there was no way out and I was not good enough

(Believe it or not, I could go on)

Depression and anxiety are rooted in loss of power.

***

There are some powerful lessons I've learned in reclaiming my self worth.

1.  Gasping for air while offering to give others CPR is not heroic.   It's suffocation by resentment.  Put your own oxygen mask on first.   Period.

2.  I have a right to live.   I have a right to my voice.   I have to right to be independent.  I have a right to love.   I have a right to detach.  I have a right to follow my own path.   I have a right to boundaries.   I have a right to my own space.  I have a right to choose.  I have a right to begin again.  I own my rights.

3.  Deep inside my soul, there is a tiny pilot light.  When I'm in the dark, it's really hard to know it's there.   I have to sit very quietly by myself and listen.  That's my power.   No one else owns that, but me.   I choose where I give that away to.  I can exercise this like a muscle and practice to strengthen it every day by one small decision at a time.  I own it.   It is my way out.

4.  Every time I look to someone else to justify my worth, I am decreasing that internal light.  I am giving my power to someone or something to decide how good or how beautiful or how worthy I am.  What I am saying is that every circumstance or person I run into decides my outcome.  What if I choose what is worthy enough to be involved with or stay?  

5.  I am good enough.   I am beautiful enough.   I am smart enough.   I am funny enough.   I am lovable enough.  I am all of these things and more.   I am what I choose to believe.  If I associate myself with something I am not aligned with, I have two choices.   Change the situation or change my belief about it.  I always have a choice.

In one split second, I can choose to take control.  

The one thing that no one ever told me was that there is only one person who has the authority to change how I was living and behaving.

ME.

***

The final straw for me to change was rediscovering high school yearbooks when I was going through my separation and we were purging most of our belongings.

I am gritting my teeth, and my heart is pounding, as the truth of writing this sinks in.

In Grade 9 and 10 we had a label about people who tried real hard to fit in with everyone else. 

It was "CO".

Cling on.

"Hey CO"

"Sarah, great getting to know you this year.   Don't CO"

Always trying to fit in.

Always wanting to be accepted.

Always giving my power to everyone else to decide if I was worth it.

I threw the yearbooks in the bin and some of my fury and humiliation with it.

***

I wanted so badly to fix her this week.

I wanted to take the pain away and solve it all and save the day.

But only I could crank that pilot light and turn up my own self-love - no one else could do it for me, and no one else can do it for anyone else who is struggling either.

We can listen.   We can be present.   We can point the direction for help.  We can provide unconditional love and rally.  

The battle, however, is won individually. 

I had to make a choice to fight my own internal war and take my power back. With a relentless determination to win and a mindset that it's possible, I rewrote my belief system.

My wish is that I can be the light that inspires her to do the same.

***

I don't need to see where I am going, as long as I walking my own path.

I don't need to grasp at friendship or romance, what aligns with me energetically will stay.

I don't need to try so hard for the results, if I am doing what I love, the results will follow.

I don't need to know the ending, I just need to read the page I'm on

and

I don't need to live my life for the life support of everyone else's approval.

I have a right to choose.

I have a right to live.

I have a right to be.

I am worth it.

I am good enough.

There absolutely is a way.