"Take a deep breath in.... and let it out.
Take another deep breath in..... and let it out.
There is nothing else to do here, no more work to be done, nowhere to go.
Take in all the benefits from the efforts of your practice today and practice the art of being completely still."
It is the end of my yoga class and I have to use, literally, all my energy to suppress a giggle.
Practicing the art of being still, having nowhere to go and no work to be done is the core of my current existence.
In fact, let me give you a snapshot -
Wake up (somewhere between 7:00 and 8:30am)
Make Bulletproof Coffee (yes, it's a fad I have not given up)
(ok, big lie. Many days it's even brought to me and I am still in bed at 8am).
Read "Journey of the Heart" daily meditation.
Finish coffee.
And then the conservation goes like this...
Me: "What should we do for dinner today?"
Mal: "It isn't even breakfast Sarah. All you ever think about is your next meal."
He is not wrong.
That is my first most difficult decision I face daily.
What's for dinner?
The second most difficult decision I face is what time should I go to yoga - 5:30 or 7:00pm- because it all depends on what we are having for dinner.
(Hence the obvious importance of this question.)
That's all I got.
Coffee.
What's for dinner?
Yoga.
Occasionally, this is blended in with bouts of severe panic about my mortgage payment, tears that I cannot possibly believe I'm still unemployed or a complete rant that I don't want to just "get a job to get a job", that I want THE job and I would rather be unemployed than work in an environment where I sell my soul to the devil.
But most of the time, it's coffee, dinner and yoga.
***
Yesterday, I saw this post on Facebook.
"Destroy the idea that you have to be constantly working or grinding in order to be successful. Embrace the concept that rest, recovery and reflection are essential parts of the progress towards a successful life".
I smiled and clicked "like" on the picture but I thought about it all day.
I never took a vacation.
I might have "on paper" been given two, three or four weeks vacation a year.
I never took it.
I was too "dedicated", "committed" or "busy" to take my vacation.
Oh wait - no, about once a year I might take a vacation and go to an all inclusive in the South. The entire vacation I was on my email, making sure "things were okay" and I was "caught up for when I got back".
Perhaps this is some sort of joke that I've now been given all my vacation time to take, from every job I've had since I was 15, all in one long isolated period of time.
That is the funny thing about unemployment. You get an awful lot of time to think about how you got here and a lot of space to create a vision of what you want your life to look like.
***
About twenty years ago, I got a book for Christmas called "The Healthy Type A".
What a comedy show that I considered this a compliment at the time, not realizing what a message it was.
In the first chapter, there was a cartoon that said "Gone for lunch. Back in 3 minutes."
I thought it was hilarious.
3 minutes.
I wonder how many times I picked up the phone in my career and said "I just need about 30 seconds to inhale my lunch and I will be right there."
Complete lunatic.
Two speeds.
150 and zero.
150 is not a sustainable plan and zero is an inevitable finish.
I've finally realized how much more effective I am with balance in my life and that "so busy" doesn't win any prizes.
***
So, let's be clear.
I'm rested, I'm rejuvenated, I've reflected on every error and every success I've had in all 43 years of my life. I'm very familiar with where I took a wrong turn and my internal compass is humming along quite nicely - so I'm all caught up in the reflection department.
In fact, I've learned so much I might as well just be reincarnated and start over at this point.
Hear me?
I GOT IT.
I'm so relaxed that sometimes it takes me 3 or 4 days to respond to a text message and if I have 3 of them, I just might not reply at all.
There's no rush.
There's always tomorrow.
I owe at least 5 or 6 people replies at this very moment, but that's ok.
It's not you.
It's me.
I will reply at some point.
I promise.
***
There is another thing I was reminded of recently and that is the concept of "impermanence".
As I spoke to a lovely friend of mine last week, she reminded me of the most important statement.
"Nothing in life is permanent."
Absolutely nothing.
It is so easy to lose sight of such a simple concept.
I'm not remotely concerned about whether or not I'm going to work again. Of course I will - technically I am working right now. Doing what I love to do best. Writing and telling a story that hopefully inspires just one person in the world - to see something differently or smile at my stories. I'm just missing that small "someone is paying me" part but I am certain I will see another pay cheque.
The only delay is that I really want to find the right fit and I know it's out there.
Unemployment isn't permanent.
My current situation isn't permanent.
Neither are we, for that matter, and sometimes we are painfully reminded of that.
The point is - everyday isn't going to be coffee, what's for dinner and yoga and I will work again.
Until then, I will continue to embrace this fabulous concept that rest, recovery and reflection are all necessary components of leading a happy life.
***
I think the universe got a little confused at my request when I "wanted more time with Mal" (wasn't envisioning us both unemployed at the same time) or "desperately needed a vacation" (didn't mean permanently), so I want to leave you with this letter I wrote (below) to hopefully get this straightened out.
Dear Universe,
Apparently I wasn't so clear in my previous requests so let me revisit this so we can tweak our current arrangement.
Big fan of the time off.
It's been a blast but my brain would like to once again contribute to society and my bank account is going to unfriend me.
If you could please bring me abundance through a wonderful new job, that makes the best use of my gifts, skills and talents, in a fabulous company where I enjoy all the people in it and look forward to going to work everyday - oh, and ensure that I stay happy and balanced in all aspects of my life - that would be terrific.
(This MUST exist)
...And the only use of the phrase "What's for dinner" will be the text I send Mal at 3 in the afternoon and not the first sentence I speak every morning daily.
If there is any more confusion, we should have a talk. Please call me to discuss further.
Many thanks and love to all the other people on this happy planet,
Sarah Lee
