#nofilter

As all 200 some odd people on Facebook are aware (and the other 500 connected to my friends tagged in the post), we had a dance party with kitchen utensils last night at 3am and clearly I was a little tipsy at best.  When I woke up this morning and saw the post, my first instinct was to delete the video as quickly as possible. Then I changed my mind and I decided it was staying.

Because here's the thing.   

I am who I am.  

I want to live my life with no filter to the people I let in.   

I write a blog and plaster my experiences in words and everyone knows what I'm up to.   

I post random thoughts and all my travels and have very post-y friends when it comes to our nights together.  

I used to take the time to scroll through my own wall and make sure it was truly reflective of the image I wanted to portray.  I used to obsess over what the haters would say if they were to read everything that was on my Facebook feed.   I used to go in and delete things after the fact and manage the message of how I was being represented.   

Recently I've just stopped.   
I have given up.

Anyone who is judge-y or uninterested has a choice if they wish to unfollow me.   I'm tired of presenting the image of what I think everyone wants to see.  I have spent most of my life trying to be what I thought everyone wanted me to be and I'm exhausted from years of wasted energy worrying about everyone else's perception.  

Of course back then I knew how ridiculous and taxing this thinking was but I just had no idea how to rewire my brain to think differently.  I lived my life in fear of letting people down or not being viewed positively.  And to be honest, I really don't know what's different this year.  I guess there are some moments that have forever changed me and brought me closer to the person I was meant to become and allowed me to embrace my individuality.  For whatever reason and timing, I have decided I have had enough of filtering the messages. 

So I don't use Snapchat filters on my photos and every laugh line is likely to show around my eyes.   (Some people call these wrinkles but I truly know they are from having a good time).   I'm not going to pretend I look like I'm 25 and I have no plans for Botox or injections, although I'm not going to lie, I will attend a spa at every opportunity and I will forever be some dyed shade of blonde.  I go to the grocery store with my hair in a ponytail and no makeup even though "you never know who you could run into" and I've been called crazy more times than I could count.

I am who I am and yes, I thoroughly enjoy a good dance party at 3am.  My general rule of thumb is that nothing good happens after midnight but hey every now and then, I can shock us all and stay awake long past my self prescribed curfew.  

I'm quite aware that people are scrolling through today saying all kinds of things like how embarrassed I should be, that they can't BELIEVE there would be a drunk video posted at 3am and what kind of message are we sending and how can I be swaying and have that public.   Yep, I see you.   I can hear all the negative chatter.  That's the same chatter I have fought in my mind for years hiding all my imperfections under the shell of what I display to the world.

You see, this is the reason I left myself unsearchable on Facebook.   You cannot find me unless you are a friend of a friend.   That means if I have let you into my little world, I am perfectly comfortable with you knowing I love a good glass of a Washington Cab or Cotes du Rhones and an air band to Whitney Houston with kitchen spoons.  

It is pretty unlikely that my employer will see my dance party pics although to be honest, none of them would be surprised and would likely ask where their invite was.  

I don't plan to apply for a new job anytime soon and be searched by HR who thinks "who is the nut job with the kitchen spoon?  We cannot hire her" - although if I do, hopefully they have a good sense of humor.  

At 42 years old, I finally think it's a compliment to be a bit bat sh*t crazy and not an insult.   

And most importantly.. I am totally aware that my life is an open book and shared for all to see and I'm actually okay with that.  It is my choice.

So to all of you who I amuse clogging up your news feed sporadically, I will leave you with this.  I am going to continue to document my life, unfiltered, in photos and stories, and without regret no matter what gets spilled on the pages.  

Because seriously, who doesn't need a good 3am dance party some days and there should be no shame in belting out "I will always love you" or "My Church".  

(Yes, God help me, there is a second video out there).