Moonbeam Ice Cream

 "You can feel like moonbeam ice cream, taking off your blue jeans, dancing at the movies, 'cause it feels so ..."

 - Benson Boone, Mystical Magical, 2025

***

"Good morning."

"Hello, good morning.  You've reached the reservations desk."

"Hi. Your website says that you're "off the beaten path."  Does that mean that there are gravel roads required to get to you?"

"Yes ma'am.  There are."

"I am envisioning my car being pelleted with gravel, arriving to your entrance looking like it's been in a hit and run.  Do you think I have cause for concern?"

"Ma'am, there are 7kms of gravel road to our entrance. But Ma'am. (pause) Other guests also drive vehicles to get here."

"I see." (pause) "Okay.  Well, I'm sure the gravel road is going to be the least of my problems on a road trip without wi-fi where there are bears.  Let me give you my credit card number."

***

I turned 50 last year, and I must say that it has left me in quite a reflective state of mind.  

In fact, there have been a few times recently where I have caught a fleeting, dangerous thought pass that something "doesn't matter anymore."   Almost like somehow, the years after 50 mean less than those before.  

I wonder where that comes from or why I would feel like I need to "settle" any more now than I ever have before in my life.

It's true though, isn't it?   

A majority of us spend so much money fighting the years marked; from spa visits and botox to hi-lites and boxed colours, only to enter the 60's and welcome in grey and own the truth of who we have turned out to be.  

Something about our 50's though, feels like it carries so much judgement.  

What "should I have" at this stage of my life?   Of my career?  In love and families, in friendships and circles?  What title should I hold - am I doing enough, being enough or making enough?   

Which leads to a very interesting question - Exactly, what is enough?

Is there any title that justifies you have succeeded at this pivotal stage in life?   

Or is a rich life more about how we spend our time and who we spend it with?

And most importantly, if I knew I had one week to live, would I have lived it all well, or wished I'd taken a chance on a dream that I was too cautious to pursue?

*** 

Last week, the universe answered that question for me.

I keep thinking of this one question: What would you do if you knew you could not fail?

The answer is: I want to write.  

I want to get lost in a bubble of time with just the ideas in my head and a white page and have it all mean something.  

***

I have this recurring vision of whisking myself away to Lake Tahoe to a secluded chalet with a fireplace burning, where I stare out at the rugged scenery and write for hours on end.  

"Oh Bella.  I'm so sorry.  I can't make it that weekend.   I'm in Tahoe writing." 

(So boujee, right?)

"OMG that's so exciting!!   What are you writing about?"

"It's Number 3 in the series.  I cannot wait for you to see how it all unfolds. I can't give anything away yet though!"

A WRITER.

(I couldn't give anything away because I probably wouldn't even have a clue at that point how the story was going unfold.)   

Most of the time, words just tumble out through my fingers to the keyboard, and I have no idea where they even come from.  Just a steady stream of consciousness from my mind onto the page.

I have always wanted to be a writer.

(Okay, well I suppose never seriously enough that I actually chose to become educated to write.)

But in my little dream, I am a writer.

I'm in Lake Tahoe writing a story for the world to take in, just like moonbeam ice cream lyrics bounce around in Benson Boone's head.

***

"Stretch out your summer and give yourself the time to write - four days of instruction, - a weekend of instruction, inspiration and creativity.   Award yourself with time away from distractions, with no dishes to do and wonderful food at every meal, as you sit with your feet up and write in the most beautiful wilderness setting in Ontario.  This is where the Group of Seven got its inspiration (Tom Thompson is buried just a couple of lakes over); it's a wonderful place for you to find your inspiration, too."

I have signed up for a writers' retreat.

I don't exactly know who the Group of Seven are (or who Tom Thompson is for that matter), but not to worry, I have loads of time between now and September to google it and sound like a literary genius.

(ChatGPT will probably do a brilliant summary and could recite it to me in the car before I lose my wi-fi connection on the way up.)  

Speaking of the drive up, I suppose I had better buy a paper map.   I wonder if they still sell those somewhere.   

(Bet ChatGPT probably knows that answer too.)

I'm not sure when they expect us to write with 3 5-star meals a day, paddle boarding, swimming, trails to hike and "nature to see" (we'll see about that).  

BUT, I'm going.   

The website also states that the cry of a loon is the loudest thing you will hear all day, but I can assure you that won't be the case once I get there.  

(Especially if I'm greeted by a black bear outside my cabin.)  

I will say however that I am rather fond of the line that states "no dishes to do and exquisite cuisine", since cooking has never really been my forte and fine dining most certainly is. 

AND... the most brilliant part of it all, is that I get to identify with being a writer for one weekend.   

(I wonder if there is a pronoun for that.)

That was very socially unacceptable, wasn't it?

I take that back.

I'm not sure what's more concerning.  Me identifying with a group of writers that I'm actually a writer, or me being in Algonquin without wi-fi and near nature for multiple days alone.

Fortunately, "all writing levels are welcome", so I have proudly declared myself a novice prior to attending, and I figure there are various ways this could all unfold:

• I don't write a page, riveted by fine cuisine and hiking trails and my outdoorsy life, sipping a glass (or three) of a fine Niagara Cab (since California is still banned) listening to the sound of loons.  (Are they out at night?   Guess we'll find out.)
• I don't write a page, but I learn a lot from the other identified writers and the writing instructor and the dream continues.
• It is 40 degrees, full of mosquitoes, I am beyond miserable at the "nature" and bathe in calamine lotion daily, praying for Monday morning to go home.

          or

• Terrified of black bears and confined to my cabin, I speed type an entire novel in two days and land on the New York Times Best Sellers list just in time for Christmas.

Jury is out, but hey - it's never too late to dream.  ✨

I might have 50 years left to go, or I might have less than a year.  

We never really know, do we?   

But I'm going to keep putting one foot in front of the other, and maybe - just maybe, I'll be writing to you from Tahoe one day.

* Photo source: shamelessly stolen from the website.  Bet they love plagiarism in writers' camp.

Glass Slippers

 

"It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas, everywhere you go....

Take a look at the five and ten, it's glistening once again

With candy canes and silver lanes that glow".

- It's Beginning To Look A Lot Like Christmas, Michael Bublé

(I feel like this is a big win I found an accent aigu for Michael Bublé's name)

Why is it that I can spend $28 on a glass of wine, but to choose between a rose gold or silver metallic fringe party curtain at the Dollar Store seems nearly impossible. It took a painstaking 10 minutes of agonizing thought over each one worth $2.25 each, until I finally bought both. Because you must have a party fringe curtain at a New Year's Eve party, don't you think? I'm sure it is going to serve a very special purpose, and I don't know which one I will like better until the tables are set.

10 minutes. $4.50.

10 MINUTES.

(My Mom said recently that she's concerned "I'm getting a little obsessive over the New Year's Eve planning". I don't understand why on earth she would say that. I'm just fine.)

I also learned recently that there is a small challenge with our party room lighting; specifically, that's it's either ON or OFF. But that's okay, because anything can be fixed with mini lights and batteries. While I was at it at the Dollar Store, I bought glitter pebble stones to put in the bottom of the vases full of twinkle lights that I envision will turn the ambiance into a dreamy Cinderella's ball. No problem.

Oh, and little Christmas balls. I thought I might need filler in some of the vases.

I can see it now. Black tablecloths and mini light centerpieces. The whole room in a twinkle light glow with rose gold everything (except maybe the silver metallic party fringe curtain if it looks better). Everyone dressed up in their New Year's Eve party best, calling good riddance to 2022 and ready to welcome in the New Year full of promise and joy. Ah, such happy times.... 2023, here we come.)

Speaking of Cinderella's ball, I don't have anything to wear. My "Let's Give Back To The Community" mission is currently showing a slight lack of common sense in budgeting that may require a telethon by December 31st.

(I am sure there is a very good lesson in all of this somewhere.)

I don't get it though. I have created budgets professionally for years. Yet, somehow, I find myself trying to absorb all costs doing a pro-bono, non-profit, nice-to-give-back-to-my-Community event.

(I can hear my Father now. "What about decorations Sarah? What about your outfit Sarah? What about napkins and table settings and, and..." Ugh. Point taken.)

You see, the thing is, it's PRO BONO. So, I think subconsciously I want to look after everyone, and I don't want to include any costs. Yes, ridiculous, I know.

Now I'm playing catch up, doing the equivalent of selling items on Facebook marketplace so I can buy more. I am creatively adding in a 50/50 draw to make up for what I've already spent.

(I can see my Dad wince as he's reading this. Yes Dad .... I know.... next time I'll plan more effectively.)

I might as well hand around a church collection tray (Too much?) Tip jar? "Donations welcome?"

Forgive me, dear Lord. We are on desperate measures here.

(** please note: In all future copies of this post, the above two lines will be removed for the sheer terror that someone may think they need to get me a collection tray and this is truly supposed to be comic relief only. I swear I haven't spent that much.)

Anyways, this is all just a good story. It's going to work out fine, I just know it. Just a teeny, tiny lesson in Operations Management in case I was a bit rusty.

Which clearly, I was.

Which is also funny because someone asked me in the elevator last week if I was the "Social Coordinator" for the building. To which I giggled. Somehow, I have gone from knowing no one here to strangers asking me if I am Sarah, the Social Coordinator. And here is a horrible confession - I actually quite like to be alone.

A real writer's paradise, (if I ever was going to be one,) is solitude. I'm sure of it.

15 days.

I have 15 days to get the rest of this event together.

I need the numbers to come up. I need my menu finalized. I need new posters. I need the music sorted. I need the lighting tested. I need an outfit. And I need to choose which party fringe curtain I'm going to use. (You're dying to know, aren't you?)

Me too.

The photo.

Right, the photo I attached here.

The ornament is my niece and nephew when they were smaller (the youngest one wasn't born yet, and I'm guessing will not be impressed she's missing from this picture.) Starbucks Christmas ornaments. I have collected them for years. I have about 20, but it's been a few years since I have bought any to add to my collection.

And the glass slipper.

That's my rear-view mirror. That's what I look at all day while I'm on camera facilitating classes right now and that's what the learners see as they enter the virtual room.

It reminds me that I have a party to plan.

But perhaps it also reminds me a little bit of hope. The sheer symbol of the legend of the glass slipper. Hope that I can stay awake until midnight, hope that I deliver to this lovely community around me, and hope that by giving it my best - that the decision to host this is one of the best ones I made this year. ♥

Rose-Coloured Ray-Bans

 

"What if I told you a place existed

Where the magic in the air tastes like moonlight on the lips

And no hand in the deck could beat a pair of hearts?"

- Eric Church, Through my Ray-Bans (2020)

***

It is Spring Break, and unlike my 20's racing down to Daytona Beach with a large non-branded Yeti-Stanley type cup full of Red Bull and vodka, I am taking a time out to reflect on what I've learned.   

(Who am I, and please tell me there is still a beach in my future this year....)  

Actually, what I should be reflecting on is the fact that I am still alive after some of my Spring Break soirees, like shooting jager down an ice slide in some adult-type playground I am happy to have forgotten the name of.  

(Somehow I don't think that is the same type of magical place Eric Church refers to in his Ray-bans song.)

***

I have the coolest class I'm taking this Winter.   

(Did I just say "class" and "cool" in the same sentence?)  

I did.

I am taking a course called Mindfulness-Based Cognitive Therapy, which thankfully has an acronym because it's a mouthful to spit out.  

"MBCT."  

The course is set up that we take MBCT as a participant for 8 weeks, then teach a portion to the class to our classmates, followed by a final research paper related to Mindfulness or Cognitive Therapy.   

LOVE.  

So I feel like I don't really have school this Winter because my homework is various forms of meditation, fitness, and journaling.   

MBCT suggests, (just like neuroplasticity does), that we have the power to change.  No matter what is currently happening at this very second of our lives, what we did yesterday, what we did this morning - there is power to change the future.  It is all FASCINATING.

The course develops an understanding to what mindfulness is, moves into recognition of patterns of thinking, and then creates a community where you can see your own thoughts are being 'normalized' and common. 

The biggest hope that MBCT has given me is the thought that it is completely possible to change thinking from a depressed or anxious state to one that is healthy and emotionally balanced by changing our "relationship" to situations and thoughts.

***

Now, I know every time I write I have a new idea on how I'm going to change the world, but my latest one is this:   

The school system needs to be teaching MBCT to every teenager on the planet.

Period.  

I honestly believe one of our biggest opportunities we have with mental health is to teach our youth how to regulate their own emotions so they are equipped for all types of weather, (which is unlikely to be always Sunny and 75, for the record.)

(off soapbox)

So, for anyone else from Generation X and beyond, who was not privvy to classes in emotional regulation, here are a few of the ideas I have felt have really challenged my own thinking.

***

1.  MBCT refers to a "depressed state" and removes the identity of "having depression".

MBCT removes labels and judgement.   In essence, it removes the "identity" associated with depression, anxiety, or any mood disorder.  

Mindfulness "notices" emotional states; depressive states, anxious states, or positive or neutral emotional states.   It helps to identify patterns and triggers in a way that, when recognized in the future, can produce a different outcome, supporting a feeling of impermanence and fluidity.

This is a really important concept because removing the identity allows decentering, which allows the perspective to shift from believing that there is "something wrong with me", to an understanding that I have entered "a low state of being".  

2.  Mood gives birth to the thoughts, not the other way around.  

This was huge to me.   

(Okay, all these things have been huge to me, but this one really huge.)

I have always assumed that our thoughts are in control.  So if I travel down that spiraling rabbit hole of thoughts, I will "become" in a depressed state.  Therefore, I need to "control my thoughts", and if I can't "control my thoughts", then something is wrong with ME.  

MBCT suggests something different.   

The premise is that the mood gives birth to the thoughts, not the other way around.  

If I am already feeling low, the depressive line of thinking may prevail, and the thoughts may 'run away.'   

If I am feeling better, the thoughts will generally be more positive.

To me, this was big.  

So how do I change my mood to change my thoughts?   

What lights me up?

To me, that means more music, more dancing, more conversations, more writing, more running, more stuff I love.  Someone elses' list may look much different than mine, but the idea is that when the thoughts start running wild, something has to be done to change the mood.   

Which is interesting in itself because, as anyone who has ever experienced a state of depression knows, generally I do not want to do any of these things when I'm not feeling good.  

Motivation does not come naturally when we aren't feeling our best.

3.   MBCT states that with depression, motivation works the opposite.  

If I am feeling depressed, I want to do nothing.   

I don't want to see anyone. I don't want to do anything.  I don't want to do the things that are going to make me better.  I don't see sunlight, I see darkness.  What I want to do is stay under the covers as long as physically possible until "I feel better" again and can function.  I don't want to burden anyone else with my distorted thinking and I want desperately to "think my way out of it".  Therefore, I will generally hide and withdraw for as long as I can.  

Change the mood to change the thoughts.

This means I have to do completely the opposite of what I want to do to try to lift my mood.  

I need to do something.  

ANYTHING.   

To try and shift the mood.   

Because sitting at home under a blanket for as long as possible spiraling my thinking is going to continue to incubate a heavier state than I'm already in.  

(*** note that in this section, there are states that may be prescribed medication as a support to assist mood stabilization.  The idea behind MBCT is to prevent relapses into depression and rewire anxious thoughts, but anyone in a progressive low state should see a medical professional.)

(I probably should have led with that.)

4.  The relationship to sadness is the thing that needs to change.

Mindfulness teaches us to notice and pay attention to all the details.  I can "see" my thoughts and recognize if they are positive or negative or neutral and respond accordingly.

It does not remove emotion or feeling or low states.   

Low states are messages.   They tell us what we like and what we don't like and what we want more of and what we miss and what we need.  There is a purpose to grief and sadness and anger and all the low vibrational emotions that helps us become more self-aware.

We don't want to "get rid of" sadness.     We want to learn and grow from it.

It's the relationship to sadness that needs to change.

I always felt I needed to solve my emotional state or fix it, but perhaps that isn't the case at all.  Maybe there are times when we just need to be with it, regardless of what it is.  

I think I read once that resistance is the key to all suffering.   Maybe that means that acceptance is the path to peace.

5.  Every experience is a new experience.

I often think of past experiences that because x happened, x will happen in this same situation next time.

The best reference I can give at this stage of my life would be relationships or even marriage. 

(For the record, this paragraph has nearly been edited out multiple times.  But I am keeping it, because I don't think I'm alone in the "second relationship" world of thoughts, and maybe it might be what someone else needs to read.) 

I remember when Mike and I got married.   I was his second wife and I thought my experience would be the same as his first.  I would say things like "you've been through this already."   And he would say, "yes, but Sarah.   I haven't been through it with you."

(Whoever would have thought I would be quoting Mike Nickelson.)

The point is, our minds are like little data vaults and we stack up all these ideas and history to support how we behave, act and think today.   Perhaps we forget sometimes that whatever happened yesterday does not mean it will repeat today.   

That every experience is a new experience.  

I love that line and I think it's such an amazing frame of reference to live by.

6.  The trap of "automatic pilot".

We can drive for miles and not see the road, wash all the dishes lost in space, scroll through social media without "seeing" any posts, or go for a walk without seeing any of nature.  

Our routines can be so hardwired that we miss the tiniest of details where all the beauty lies.

MBCT practices teach awareness.   

Self awareness, awareness of others and awareness of surroundings.  

What would happen if I tried to look at every snowflake, instead of seeing snow?   If I felt the warmth of the water when washing dishes, the smell of the dish soap, the tingling on my hands from being submersed?   

How does our experience change when we pay attention to everything in our life in that way?

***

There is a poem that was handed out this week in class.  

It is in reference to cognitive therapy, but I also thought it resonated really well with addictive behaviours. We think of addictions as drinking or drugs, but it could be a range of things that we use as coping mechanisms to avoid pain; gambling, shopping, sex, overwork even.  

Where in our lives are we doing or using something to avoid feeling something else?

This was the most powerful thing I've seen so far.   

(I've said that about 3 times already now, haven't I?)

So.

The poem.

I love this.

  

It's called "Autobiography in 5 Chapters" by Portia Nelson. 

(But I personally think it should be called Sinkhole.) 

(Or Mic Drop.)  

(I bet I could write a list of others.)

Autobiography in 5 Chapters

1. I walk down the street. 

There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. 

I fall in. 

I am lost… I am hopeless. 

It isn’t my fault. 

It takes forever to find a way out. 

2. I walk down the same street. 

There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. 

I pretend I don’t see it. 

I can’t believe I’m in the same place. 

But it isn’t my fault. 

It still takes a long time to get out. 

3. I walk down the same street. 

There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. 

I see it is there. 

I still fall in… it’s a habit. 

My eyes are open. 

I know where I am. 

It is my fault. 

I get out immediately. 

4. I walk down the same street. 

There is a deep hole in the sidewalk. 

I walk around it. 

5. I walk down another street. 

***

I think I have read that poem 20 times and it still provokes new thought - in fact, digesting all of this material does.   

 I can't say for certain that MBCT will "cure" those struggling, but I can say that I have had my beliefs and thoughts challenged in brilliant ways since I began this course.

I see the potential of a different lens to look through, a possibility that there may be hope, and an alternative solution that is backed by growing evidence of statistics.  

(That I inevitably have to research in the next 6 weeks.)

So I sit here, on this quiet Sunday morning, watching a few little snowflakes dance around outside my window, occasionally drifting off into space to dream up my next line to write.  

The snowflakes look like fireflies, moving in unique directions, but never hitting the ground. I can smell the coffee beside me, hear the sound of my fingers hitting the keys and, in the distance, the fan kicking in to keep me warm.  

It is serene and peaceful. 

What a beautiful reminder that when we allow ourselves the gift to come off auto-pilot, it can be like seeing the world for the very first time. ♥

Settlin'

"I could plant a pretty garden, or just buy myself flowers.

Be a jet-set Friday, or Sunday hometown girl.

Is happiness on the highway, or is it parked in the driveway?

(I could love a picket fence, if it wrapped around the world.)

One heart, goin' both directions.

Am I settling up, or settling down?  

Settlin' up or settlin' down."

- Miranda, Wildcard, (2019)

***

It is late 2023.   

I am sitting at my kitchen island 36 days before I move.   

AGAIN.  

One block away from where I am.  

6 blocks away from where I was.  

4 blocks away from where I was before that.  

I suppose you could say that I am relatively exactly where I am supposed to be, since I cannot seem to get out of a mile radius of where I have spent the past 8 years.

I have a string of Christmas lights wrapped over a ladder in my living room, because I've already moved all the blankets that were decoratively positioned for colour and texture to make it all look just right. 

 My bed has two pillows because the other two are already on the floor of my new space to be a placeholder of where the bed is going to go.  (Gotta make sure the movers get it right.)

As I sit and look around me, I realize that when you move all that you do not need, you are left with exactly what is most important to you.  

Which isn't much.  

Two coffee makers (I have a problem), an air fryer (I swore I would never buy), my Vitamix (see post on the Want-Willingness Gap), 4 different boxes of contact lenses (because I need some for close up and some for far away) (Damn it), alcohol for a Negroni (you never know when this might be a good idea), my bench I write on every morning and current journal (s) (written every day since March 2020), pens (see previous comment),  my new black leather jacket (cost me enough from Joelle's for a mention in this post), and purple shampoo that every blonde would understand. 

So, here we are.

36 days and counting.

AGAIN.

***

It is now New Year's Day.  

I woke up to a blanket of snow on my terrace, with thoughts that this was so fitting and so beautiful.  

I opened the blinds, turned the heat up to 74, put the coffee on, and walked from room to room smiling.  It is light and bright here, full of windows, and worth every ounce of aggravation that moving causes.  

I absolutely LOVE it.   

Winter has arrived and I'm about to settle in.

***

There is something about a new space and a New Year that oozes possibility.  

Even though technically every day we wake up is "new", January 1st seems to hold a special level of hope for all our dreams and goals to take hold.  

January 1st is the day we stop drinking, start fitness campaigns, quit smoking or do whatever the thing is we deem as ultimately the change required for "happiness" in our lives.

I did the opposite today.  

I went back to bed for a nap, I made bacon (obnoxious amounts of it), ate it all, had toast, danced in my living room to Kip Moore ("Hey Old Lover" is officially my new favourite song), walked to the Pearle Hotel for an Americano, and sat cross-legged on a rock by the waterfront watching the waves, drinking my coffee and feeling blessed that nothing else was open to distract me today.

I looked back at last year and thought about what stood out as lessons that I would remember from 2023.  

There are people and moments, travels and experiences, and lessons from school, work and life.   Opportunities I never saw coming and times that resulted as far from expectations as possible.  

These are the ones I chose as my top 10.

***

1.   Complaining is useless.   We have 3 choices in life - accept it, change it or leave it.  

I suppose the exception to this is when we aren't ready.  Sometimes, we might not be ready to "do anything about it".  There could be a level of awareness, but not enough willingness to take action.  But at the end of the day, the choices are always the same.  

Accept it, change it or leave it.   

Period.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, grant me the courage to change the things I can and wisdom to know the difference.

2.  Emotional turbulence begins like a phishing email.

There may be something external, anything really, that can threaten a neutral, grounded state of being.  I have had a couple of common ones that tug at me, wanting my attention.  If I click on those thoughts, that 'thing' that's phishing at me for my attention, can spiral and can take me down a rabbit hole.  

Mindfulness is learning what those things are and recognizing the danger before it is too late.  

(I wish we had a magic button "report phish" that could make it go away, but we don't.   Just an internal radar that gets stronger with practice, I guess.)

3.  When overwhelmed, remove.

In April, I landed in Emerg.  4 courses in school, cognitive overload at work from too many projects, personal stressors and in over my head, I crashed and burned without even seeing any of it coming.  

What I tried to do, was "do" my way out of it.  

I booked massage appointments and therapy appointments and acupuncture appointments and spa treatments and days off, and ... and ... and.  I thought the answer lay in an overload of "self care" and doing more things for myself.   

I was wrong.  

4.   Just Be.

We have a lovely leader in Learning Delivery at IHG.  I remember meeting with her after my hospital trip and telling her all the things I was doing to "correct this" as quickly as possible, so I could "resume play".   I will always remember this conversation with her.

"Sarah, just be.

When exactly was the last time you just did nothing?   Like absolutely nothing.

That's what you need to do.   

Just Be."

That's what I did today.  Dancing in my kitchen, napping at 11am, lying on the couch looking out at the white blanket of snow.  

Just being.

5.  That's enough for today.

In April, I also started therapy.  It sounded like the respectable thing to do, to "fix" me.  

I remember booking the appointments.   

If they had let me book them every day, I would have just so I could "speed up my recovery". 

I learned quickly though, that therapy and recovery does not work that way.  

There comes a point where it is "enough for today".  

We need time, to process, to digest and to allow some magic to occur before we go back in the ring for the next round.

Healing doesn't happen on demand.

6.  When someone does something wrong, remember what they once did right.

I don't go to church, I have never been to confession and I have a belief system that "sorry does not cure" and certain actions are unforgivable.

This belief system has festered perfectionistic behaviours to slip in and out of toxicity at times through out my life, and a depressive state I have to be conscious to keep at bay.  

Perfection is unattainable.

So if sorry does not cure, if nothing is "fixable", then surely I must suffer permanently.  

Should I?   Is that what I should wish for others?   Pain that has no end?   

That is not what I wish for.  

So I have a choice.   

I can choose to remember what they once did right and find compassion and forgiveness in my heart to carry on.

7.   No matter how far you have travelled in the wrong direction, you can always turn around.

This was a background on my phone for a long time.  

A reminder that every morning is a gift of a new beginning to try again.

8.  Just because it isn't moving forward today, doesn't mean it never will.

Part two to this is that sometimes, things just need time.  

My Aries nature struggles to understand this, but it is a concept I'm trying to grasp and slow down to.

9.  The "perfect" mirror.

The first thing I bought for my new place is a mirror for the end of the hallway.  

(Actually, 4 of them, because I couldn't seem to find one that I liked.)  

After the Contractors put the first one up that I removed, there was a hole in the wall.   

(I was so mad!)   

I wanted to see a dry wall plug and a flawless mount to this mirror.   

I was completely and utterly taken over emotionally over this hole in the wall from my "perfect" new space being now "imperfect", which all was their fault. 

(Not mine for buying the wrong mirror in the first place.)

I was given words of wisdom at the time that now makes me smile when I look at the (new fourth) mirror at the end of the hallway now.

"Sarah, you're stuck at the problem.  What are the options?"

The reality is that sometimes I want to have a party with the problem until I'm ready to do something about it.  

But at the end of the day, the choices are always the same.   

Accept it or change it.

(Or mud the wall, fill the hole, sand and paint it so that it's like it never happened.)

10.  Life is like a movie.   Today is just a snap shot.

This is my favourite.  

I had lots of firsts this year, some of which went much better than others.  I tripped over my words more than once, gained and lost people in my life, looked through rose coloured glasses one day and broken lenses the next.   

2023 was an awakening of sorts that I have desperately needed to advance. 

Sophia Vandaele, the General Manager of the Intercontinental New York Barclay hotel, said a line that has become one of my greatest memories. 

At the time, I was interviewing her for a Women's Leadership workshop called RISE.  We were talking about poor feedback and how you could get trapped in negative thinking from internalizing those comments.  

What Sophia doesn't know, is how that translated to me in so many other aspects of my life.

"Really, this is just a snap shot.   It doesn't reflect yesterday and it doesn't reflect tomorrow.  It is just a snap shot in time.   

Think of your life as being a movie and someone pressed pause on today.  

That is just a glimpse, just a moment in time, but it isn't all of it.   

It's just a snap shot."

I loved that reference and think about it often.

Tomorrow doesn't have to look like today.

We choose every morning how we are going to show up.

***

I am in my happy place.

I love, love, LOVE my new space.   

(Did I mention how much I love it?)

I have worked so hard to get here, prayed so much for my creativity to resurface, for my mind to neutralize and be at peace, and to feel at ease with who I am again.  

I am SO grateful and SO thankful.

2024 feels like it's going to be a time out.   

A pause, like Sophia would say.

***

I wonder what comes next - the white picket fence or traveling around the world?

Am I settling up or settling down, or just settling in?

Who knows.

Maybe this year I won't try to wish it all away, full of new goals and dreams and milestones.

Maybe this year I just let go and let be.

I wonder what the end of 2024 would look like if I did that.

Just being.

I wonder......

Isn't the promise of New Year's Day just fabulous?

I sure think so.

♥

 

Turbulence

 

"When it hits, don't forget -

As scary as it gets, it's just turbulence."

- Pink

***

I was traveling to Phoenix for a training class and the Captain came on the loudspeaker. "This is not going to be a smooth ride. We are expecting turbulence to start about an hour and a half in and last until we have grounded in Phoenix."

Well then.

Buckle up.

I had almost forgotten all about his message when the plane started to get a little shakey. And then a LOT. The pilot came back on the speaker, "As I mentioned when we left tonight, we are in for a bit of a bumpy ride. I just want to remind everyone that turbulence is completely normal and there is nothing to worry about. We've got you."

***

Why are we all here?

Have you ever asked yourself that?

What on earth are we all doing here in this crazy little thing called life?

We each may have a really different answer to that question, but here is mine.

We are here to experience life.

Through activating our senses, the experience of life is found. We can touch, smell, hear, feel, taste and see all the beauty around us, and all the ugly.

So, if that's the case, then perhaps our feelings and emotions are a little bit like turbulence on a plane.

They are waves of intensity that arrive at different times, asking us to listen and giving us clues and messages. They say things like "I don't like this", "I want more of this", and we are brought to higher high's with the good ones and lower low's with the waves we dislike.

And our bodies keep score of it all.

I wonder where we learned that only good emotion matters and that we should all strive for "happiness"?

I read something recently that was so awesome. It said, "Happiness is the quiet space in between lessons."

Perhaps it isn't a finish line, a goal or a target we must aim for, but more of a rest and reset before the next wave of turbulence arrives. How much could that change our perspective on waking up each day and making the choices that we make?

What if we didn't label things as "good" or "bad", but rather noticed how we felt and adjusted accordingly?

What if we use our emotion as a human power?

***

I was pretty floored Friday to receive an honour for my efforts at school. I knew if I didn't post it at the very second, that I likely would never capture the emotion of how I felt. That high lasted about 35 seconds, before I had to switch gears because I had a new class I had to write two PowerPoints for by Tuesday, and a summary on the impact of trauma on our emotions and our brains.

(I have a wee bit to learn on celebrating the wins...)

This weekend though, I've spent a lot of time reflecting on this accomplishment. There is a guy called Martin Seligman, who is the father of Positive Psychology, who states that accomplishment is one of several factors that leads to happiness.

Does the accomplishment itself make me "happier" or what it stands for to me, because the joy is generally found in the act of doing.

I don't believe my excitement had anything to do with "being on the list". My excitement was that I had literally transformed a story in my life from failing to excelling. I had learned the lesson and changed a result. It was thinking about how much I have loved school and more so, what I have learned and taken away and how I have become a better facilitator and leader from it.

***

The past few years, I have openly owned up to being horribly stuck in bad air. I have literally prayed to find the switch to put my sanity back together and allow my mind to feel free.

Two weeks ago, I found it - after spending an entire day in the Emergency room at Joseph Brant hospital. I had lost vision at my computer, went into hot sweats, heart pounding, face numb and had no feeling from my elbows to my fingers.

I seriously thought I was having a stroke.

Sitting in emerg, I realized that I didn't want to tell anyone where I was because so many people had told me I was working too hard. I was angry I was there, I was angry at my workload, I was angry that I haven't taken a holiday since the Dominican last year, and I was angry that my life didn't look exactly the way I wanted it to look and I was pissed right off to be "wasting time" in the hospital.

And I also knew that there was only one person in the whole entire world who could fix this.

Me.

My CT came back "excellent", and the ER doctor said they had never seen a report with "smooth" listed for my wonderful brain.

My follow up the week after resulted in "do more of the things you love and less of the things you don't".

I am lucky.

I listened to the wakeup call and in typical Sarah response, I booked EVERYTHING.

I went to chiro, massage therapy, sound therapy, aromatherapy, psychotherapy. There is no end to the self-care appointments that I booked. I took a 4-day weekend immediately and dropped to one class for school and took one class of my professional plate that I was teaching too.

I did all the things.

And I did them fast.

My health instantly became my ability to say no and all of a sudden, this magic switch flipped from hypersensitivity to balanced thinking.

I stepped back to look at my habits from a 30,000 foot lens to decide what else I could do differently.

The number one thing I found was my mindset. I'm not sure where I have adapted this "I have to take on more, do more, give more, be more, more, more and more" attitude, that never seems to be enough. Or that I miraculously require everyone to like me at all given times and shift my behaviour or actions to get that result. Or that anyone else's comments, good or bad, should dictate how I feel.

I had lost all "agency" to steer my life based on what I wanted to do.

If I operate from a place where I take on only what I feel comfortable with, if I say no when something doesn't feel right and yes when it does, and if I lean into the people who bring me higher and do all things with the pure love and presence of being in that moment - then I can handle the turbulence differently.

I can use the messages as a compass and know that if I hold on and pay attention, cleaner air is just around the corner.

Mark my words.

I will never go back to that place again.

That place of suffering and low self-worth and self-sabotage.

That chapter is closed.

I can listen to the messages, choose accordingly, and know that turbulence is completely normal.

And wow, just wow, does it ever feel good to breathe again.